Paradox of Love

I'm not sure

So I find myself back in her house once again and I'm not sure what to do, I don't really know what I'm doing here. She takes my hand and brings me upstairs and to her bedroom, sitting me down and then sitting next to me. We sit there for a moment in a thick silence, neither of us sure what to do I think. "There's something bothering you. What is it?" she asks softly but also doesn't leave any room for me to deflect her question. She's got a funny way of doing that. "I don't know" I say honestly and I see her nod out the corner of my eye, she opens her arms and I turn to look at her.

I hesitantly move up the bed and into her arms, closing my eyes as she holds me gently but also tight. I wrap my arms around her a bit tighter and sigh, I didn't realize how long it's been since I've had a hug. She starts humming 'Dream a Little Dream of Me' by the mamas and the papas. I listen to the little breaks of breath she takes. I love that song, so I begin to relax even more and she lays down so I'm half on top of her. Once she's finished another bout of silence falls upon us as she gently runs her fingertips up and down my back. "Feeling better?" she asks softly, "yes" I whisper as I continue to hold onto her, I feel so safe in her arms.

"Would you like to go home?" she asks and it feels like she's asking that not just talking about right now, but ever. Though I think that's just my delusional mind. Regardless, I answer by shaking my head and she hums softly in response. "You know I did this one role, for a film called Heaven. I was an English teacher and, long story short, I put a bomb somewhere. But in the wrong place. So innocent people died, children too; and to prepare I filled my trailer with most... horrific images. Just bomb victims and... blood... everywhere. It took me a minute to recover from that, and I'm not saying this is anywhere near that serious..." she trails.

"But roles do have an impact on our psyche and if you don't learn how to... compartmentalize, it can be rough. So if you ever need a minute to just decompress, tell me. You're not being dramatic or holding anyone up—or letting anyone down—it's natural" she tells me. "Thank you" I reply softly, I go to get up and as I finally get upright I sigh. "Exhausting isn't it? It'll get better, I promise" she empathized and I believe her, "let's have some tea" she says standing up and reaching out her hand which I take.

As we're drinking the tea in the kitchen, me sitting on the countertop while she leans against the one opposite me, she proposes an idea. "I was thinking... since we really didn't get to spend any time together beforehand. That we have so much to make up for" she starts and I nod for her to keep going. "I mean, my house is closer to set and I have a car... you could just stay with me" she says and I hear a bit of nervousness that she tries to mask with indifference. "I'd like that" I say truthfully and she smiles, "well it's settled then. I'll let Todd know" she says.

"Not that it's a secret, but why does Todd have to know?" I ask and she smirks a bit before getting serious again. "Well the lodging is included in your check, technically. So if you already have a place, like I do, then that 'extra' money just goes directly to you" she explains and I nod. "Well I didn't bring much luggage so that'll be easy" I say to fill the gap as she texts who I assume to be Todd, "perfect. That means we can shop" she says excited and I shake my head in amusement. "Oh don't tell me you don't like shopping" she exclaims, "oh no, I LOVE shopping it's just funny how... excited you are" I say softly.

She narrows her eyes at me realizing what I'm doing and shakes her head. She sets her tea down and walks over to me to stand between my legs. "This is gonna be fun" she says biting her lip, "definitely" I say leaning back on my arms and tilting my head.