Background Voices [CoR chronicle]

Utter Meltdown

A scrapped scene from CoRII-Dinner Disaster, before chapter 17: Nicole suffers a heavy breakdown that leads to visibly bad consequences.

TW: this segment contains self-harm, starvation and psychosis.

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Nicole knows exactly what happened. It's a few hours after she passed out and the afternoon light from outside the bedroom window seeps through the curtains, right into her eyes. She slowly opens them and groans when she feels how much her wrists and ankles are hurting. She does know she had been tied up with pieces of saw before, but she can't blame her family for making such an outlandish decision. It wasn't their fault that they got preyed upon. It's all on her and she knows that. It's ALL on her. She takes a deep breath before sighing her frustration out a bit and sits up in her bed. Her silhouette is sharp as the bright light from outside gives her fur a lot of accents and she stays there, sitting a bit curled up, breathing slowly. She removes the covers from the bed and reveals her legs which have bandage wrapped around the ankles. She's only wearing her underwear and a nightshirt right now and she can see the scars evolved on her skin, underneath the fur. Her fur became shaggy and tangled by last night and she can't help but feel so disgusted by it. She really had let herself go the last couple of months with caring for herself, and it's clearly showing. Too depressed to do anything about it. Her mindset feels off and incorrect and she despises it with her whole heart. She wants to change so badly, but the more she tries, the more wrong it goes.

I can't keep putting my family through this... she thinks to herself, what do they even see in me at this point? How can they look at me knowing what I am?... I'm a monster, I'm a monster... I'm a... She interrupts herself and breaks down into tears, wailing into her paws as her shoulders start shaking. My family has seen me at my worst... she thinks, it's so unbelievably unfair to them that they have to witness the things they have... They don't deserve this... She continues sobbing uncontrollably and doesn't pray for anyone to come in to check up on her at the moment. She rather just wants to be left alone now. Alone to suffer on her own. Like she deserves, she thinks. She then feels a spark of anger rising within her and she suddenly grips her arm and bites into it. She keeps biting but stops when she tastes blood and once she caught herself in the mirror's reflection. She's curled up with her teeth sunken into her arm, with that shaggy fur and wild eyes with constricted pupils. She releases her arm and shakes her head. Oh gosh... She whimpers and sobs again when she realizes how feral she had really become. It was just clear on display, how monstrous she looked even without being transformed just now. She tries to wipe her tears away but they won't stop flowing and she gives up. A few moments later she moves her paws away from her face and once again looks at herself in the mirror, squinting her eyes a bit. She sniffles when she gets out of bed and stands in front of the mirror. Her face turns to disgust when she notices her extremely, unhealthily scrawny figure. Her ribs are exposed under her nightshirt and her limbs thinner than ever. She licks her lips and feels how dry her throat is becoming as well. She's starving and she knows it. But she can't bring herself to eat. Not yet. Not after that painful disaster with the box of fish. Not after the Upper Limit made her feel so nauseous after every time she takes a bite... It's hopeless right now and she just wants this nightmare to end. One last tear runs down her face, until it falls to the ground, and she puts her paw up against the mirror and sighs. I need to take better care of myself. I know that... But right now, suffering is the only option to stay sane. Or am I sane still...? I don't dare to make a statement about that now, do I...

"No... you don't..." an unfamiliar voice speaks up inside her mind. Nicole freezes and looks over her shoulders, realizing no one's really there. She shakes her head and hopes it wasn't the Upper Limit. Although this voice sounded unfamiliar... More like her own voice... "W-what?" she speaks out loud in a soft tone. "You're not sane anymore, Nicoleee... Can't you hear us talking inside your head? We're clearly not part of a sane soul..." What's that supposed to mean? the blue feline thinks to herself, realizing this voice isn't responsive like the Upper Limit's is. "You will break.... You will break..." the voice starts chanting. Nicole covers her ears but knows that is no use whatsoever and she holds onto her head when she hears that the voice is multiplying and becoming more distorted. It all feels like it's very loud inside her head and she feels the need to escape but strongly refuses to leave the room. She starts snarling in frustration and pulls onto her ears, starting to see things now as well. She sees silhouettes of fish bones glitching around her as well as faces of feral cats with distraught expressions and terrifying eyes. She now covers her own eyes instead and curls up onto the floor, trying to get a proper grasp on reality again. But it's hard. She doesn't know where these hallucinations came from. Either her starvation or condition are the blame for this, or both. She shakes wildly as she can't take it anymore and snarls once more. She stays in the same curled up position until she starts getting urges she hadn't felt in a while. Urges to harm. Urges to turn violent. Urges to hurt and kill. She doesn't know why they suddenly welled up like that, but it's all part of the psychosis she's experiencing and she raises her head up high. Snorting in anger, her eyes flicker red until she digs her own claws into her arms and starts slicing deep cuts into both of them. She keeps digging so deeply until it bleeds, really wanting to see herself bleed. She deserves this, she thinks. She feels bound to this behaviour and doesn't even care about anything at the moment. Everything is blank, her head is an ongoing mess and her arms just need to be torn open like that. She starts panting once she stops and comes a bit more to her senses again. A few more tears flow down her cheeks and she winces heavily by the pain in her wounds. What a stupid move. Why did she do this? Why did she feel the need to do this again so badly? She starts sobbing and frowns in anger. Her claws are still unsheathed and she digs deep slits into the carpet floor, leaving two long trials behind her once she gets up on her feet. She is now able to smell the upcoming dinner of her family that Richard is cooking and she feels disgusted when the scent is making her salivate. She holds onto her head again and whimpers when her hunger feels worse than ever. Her stomach growls loudly and it's the last drop for her until she snaps. She approaches the side of the bedroom and exposes her teeth, before swinging her fist back and throws a punch into the wall. She screams it out in agony by her arms still being weak and her fist not being able to handle the toughness of the bricks, although a hole did get left in it by how powerful she took that punch. She holds her hurt paw tightly and whines as tears keep evolving in her eyes. Why did she do that? She feels like she's lost control over herself entirely, without the Upper Limit barely being involved at all and she fears for the worst. She sits down with her back against the bed and sobs in silence...