Go F*ck Yourself!!

Foreplay

This is not what you think.

While I do want you to go fuck yourself because I could give a shit about you as a person. What I want for you, right now, is to do it in the literal sense.

Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Put your fingers in your pussy and take long (or short) strokes, jabs, thrusts with your fingers. Rub that clit until you're slumped in an exhausted puddle of satisfaction.

And for my fellas...jack that shit. Pull on it, caress it, fast or slow, whatever works for you. But spill that seed on those bed sheets or in that chair until it's nothing but a limp noodle that's given all it's got to give.

I'm not a sadist or a nymphomaniac; I just love sex. This sexy, soft, hard, neat, nasty and utterly satisfying act is one of my favorite pastimes. I think about it all day at work or at the gym. I think about it when I'm walking the streets, driving my car, visiting my family. Sex is always at the forefront of my mind, and I like it that way. Correction, I love it that way. And what's more is that I'm obsessed with having it.

Ok, so about the nymphomaniac thing...I may have to change that. Maybe.

I mean, let's be real. EVERYONE thinks about sex at least fifty percent of the time. I just have a teensy bit more than the average.

Rack that up to ninety-eight percent, please.

The only time I don't think about sex positively is when my mother asks me about my dating life, which turns into her begging for grandkids. Then my mind becomes like a minefield of baby bombs, and I start to hyperventilate.

While sex is my absolute favorite pastime, it does have a much darker and sinister side.

Kids.

You can be the safest sex crazed female on earth but there's always a chance for a slip up. A chance that sex would no longer be a favorite pastime but instead the enemy. You'll be screaming obscenities at yourself for being such a horny whore and blaming your need to fill every hole for getting you in that predicament.

Do I sound like I've been there before? Yes, I have. And I've promised myself that I would never visit that horrible place again. But you didn't come to hear about my mother's obsessive need to use my uterus as her own.

You want to know why I want you to go fuck yourself.

Did you know that studies have shown that ninety percent of men and seventy-six percent of women admit to masturbating?

Clearly, they aren't interviewing the right women.

I know you think it should be some kind of secret. You poor misguided soul. Do you know what I have to say to that?

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

And not like I meant it before. This time...Are you crazy?

There is so much beauty in self-pleasuring that it's insane to not want to talk about it much less NOT do it. Not only are you taking yourself for the most insane ride, but you also become aware of what it takes for someone else to please you.

There are benefits to knowing how to catch your nut when they can't get you there.

Do you know how many dicks I've used to cum and then left them figuring out how to catch their own nut? Simply because they could not get me off. And yes, I said dicks, not men. During my sexual escapades, nothing exists except that beautiful demon between their legs. I can't even tell you what half of them look like. But that's a story for later.

So, listen.

I'm begging you!

GO. FUCK. YOURSELF!