Where Life Takes Us

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six

W A D E

The first week of December, I met a psychiatrist. Even though it was a free consultation and not actual therapy yet, I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect.

        As I sat down across from him at his desk, the man smiled. "I'm Dr. Johnston. Your doctor provided me with your general medical and mental health history. From the symptoms you've had when you were younger and the more recent ones, it looks like post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD."

        "What's that?" I nervously swallowed. I'd never heard of it. It didn't sound like it was a good thing.

        "PTSD is a mental condition triggered by experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. It can happen to people immediately after the event or months to years, like your case," Dr. Johnston explained. "There are four different groups of symptoms: intrusive thoughts, avoidance, physical and emotional changes, and negative changes in mood and cognition."

        Intrusive thoughts were in how the accident took up my energy all day and night even as I fought hard against my own mind. How I relived every second of it during the day in flashbacks and at night in nightmares I hadn't had in years.

        Avoidance was in how I hated riding in cars and trucks sped up too fast. How I hated asking for help and brushing it off because I didn't wanna deal with it.

        The negative thinking and mood was in how I snapped at people when they didn't deserve it. How I had trouble concentrating in class. How I felt guilty and ashamed of us being happy but without Dad to be there too.

        The physical and emotional changes were in how I was jumpy and scared all the time. My trouble paying attention in class. Me snapping at people when they didn't deserve it. Not being safe while drinking and driving at the same time.

        It was everywhere. How come I never saw it?

        "You have every right to think it's not going to get better," Dr. Johnston said. "But many people who seek treatment eventually see an improvement in symptoms by learning how to manage them better."

        Clearing my throat, I mumbled, "I'm not too late to get better, am I?"

        "What matters is you're here now," Dr. Johnston replied with a smile. "It takes strength to seek out help in times of weakness and courage to accept it in times of fear."

        Dealing with everything straight from the beginning in therapy was gonna be one of the scariest things I'd ever done. But I had people who cared, ready to help me. So I listened to my gut, took a deep breath, and booked the first real appointment for therapy.

        And that was a step in the right direction.

__________

For Christmas, my family and I made up for lost time and went all out. Blasting the radio station playing non-stop Christmas songs, last-minute shopping for gifts, taking pictures with the mall Santa at his giant Christmas set.

        "This is so precious! I'll frame this as soon as we're home." Mom happily sighed, admiring a picture of me and my sisters putting on our best smiles beside Santa. "I have to make copies of this to send to your aunt and uncle in Colorado."

        Hazel groaned. "Mom, no! I don't want that to be the first picture everyone gets of me over there. Wade, tell Mom it's a bad idea."

        "Speak for yourself, but we don't look too bad in it," I shrugged my shoulders, with a lopsided smile. "That isn't even the worst picture of you anyway. Right, Charlie?"