French Cup: A Neighborhood Story

Chapter 62: -Kazuya- Purple Sky Ferris Wheel

Holding hands strolling around Odaiba. Watching the giant Gundam while open mouthed as it moved, being alerted due to the crowd already around it. Eating at the mall, somehow not a dream. Sitting together and watching the water. 

He'd never been to Odaiba before. He hadn't ventured much out of our neighborhood, so everything new amazed him and everything was new. There was a mini Statue of Liberty and we watched it for a long time, marveling at it. He'd seen the real one in New York City when he was little. Telling me this story as we looked at the fake one together. Where else had he been? Maybe lots of places. This feeling of wanting to go lots of places with him. What would he be able to show me?

Walking around and not getting tired or cold. His hand warm in mine all day, unashamed. Some of the Christmas lights were on during the day, but if he didn't get tired or want to go home, we could stroll around among the lights. Secretly, I wanted this the most. How romantic it would be...

But all day... His fingers in mine, our gloves touching and wishing it was bare skin. He has a girlfriend. Watching him eat Wendy's. He has a girlfriend. Him telling me a funny story about how Kuro is adjusting to life indoors, a new scratch on his arm that I absolutely had to check over, my heart melting. He has a girlfriend.

We were walking together again now. 

"I gave him the wet food. He did scarf it down. Thank you. I was hoping he might like me more because of it, but so far no." He was smiling in the fading sun, swinging our hands together like a breeze. 

"Oh." My mind too preoccupied. These thoughts getting worse throughout the day. The idea of him walking the same space with her, whatever she looked like. How close were they? What was she like? He'd said he didn't like her much and didn't want her in his life, but as far as I knew they were still together.

That didn't sit right with me. He'd called this a "date" yesterday. But, how was it a date when he wasn't single? It was true that he didn't want to be with her, but they were still "together". He hadn't made any moves to break up with her, as far as I knew. And I couldn't ask. It was too sensitive. 

As we walked and more lights blinked on, it weighed more on me. It would definitely be too sensitive to ask him why he hadn't broken up with her. He'd been kind enough to tell me. But, the way he told me... We'd been about to go further. He'd sprung it on me when we'd be about to... Did that mean he felt guilty? Telling me that way... There'd been an almost physical barrier there that night with this information. Yet now, we were walking together so freely on a "date". What had changed? Had he broken up with her and didn't tell me? What was making him comfortable now, when before he'd blocked me? 

There was music streaming in from somewhere. Romantic music. Something about it made my hips want to rock back and forth, start dancing with him. His nose was pointed toward the air like it was a nice smell instead, inquisitive. I found him looking at me and smiling. He stopped, and I stopped with him. 

I wasn't mad at him. Not at all. Just confused... I couldn't be mad at him for this. Instead, it was a strange numbness. Not wanting to go forward unless I knew the answer. Even this felt fake, this "date". Maybe "fake" wasn't the word. It just didn't feel real. He had a girlfriend...

It was painful.

"This is a Korean song," he said, his finger twirling in the air to the rhythm. My ears opened fully, listening. Sure enough, they were Korean words in the distance. 

"Oh." Somehow, I couldn't smile though he was smiling. Betraying my face.

"Are you okay?" He'd noticed. Of course he did. He held both my hands, in this big open space. So many people walking by. Families. Couples. I wanted to be a couple... It surprised me, but. Instead of a good feeling, it was only a painful one. This longing. Yearning. A small crying inside, barely there, but there.