hugs and kisses | xoxo

eighth; the words that kept me up

after a time heeseung ordered us lunch and we moved down to the dining room. it was much colder than in his room so i was some kind of freezing.

"do you need this," he holds up a zip up jacket when i nod, "thank you," i smile.

heeseung unpacked the food when i went on and set the table.

"you know, ina still talks about you," i laugh, putting another frie in my mouth. "yet we haven't talked since that day," he laughs and shakes his head. we go quiet again and just our forks hitting the plates were audible.

"by the way," he starts talking, "what happened?" he asks, one word for each breath. i smile and drink.

"honest?" he nods assured, "honest," and that's how i told him everything i went through and everything he and they made me go through.

"i always thought to myself, would we still be together, would we still have her together if only he would believe and trust me more," when I looked at him, he was biting his lip and looking everywhere but into my direction.

"what is it, tell me," i smile a little, i could clearly see he was holding himself back from saying something, "he is going to australia. very soon."

my little smile dropped and my eyebrows furrowed, "good for him, he was always dreaming about visiting his brother."

i laugh but stop after i see him shaking his head, "he's not going to come back, byeol."

i look down to my fidgeting fingers. why is he telling me that? what is his point?

"imagine how he will feel in the future if he finds out what you have been through and most important what he will feel towards shiwang," he explains.

"he will feel guilty and rejected," i think out loud.

"exactly byeol. please for the sake of shiwang and you, talk to him one last time. i'm sure he would also want to talk to you," his words get into me quicker as long as i think about them.

he does have a point, but will it be that easy like he is saying it will be? what if he will be glad in the future. he will be glad he let go of me, he let go of her, he never trusted or believed me.

what if it's just an imagination in our heads and we are making all of his emotions up?

i let out a laugh and get up, "i should go, mom will be mad," i pick up the plates and walk into the kitchen.

heeseung follows me and leans onto the door. i also lean on the kitchen counter and we look at each other, "please think about my words, byeol." heeseung mumbles a little before he goes out and leaves me.

i will, heeseung, i will.

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"byeol," i hear ina's voice on the line, "ina. i met heeseung," i break my silence and earn loud voices for it.

"byeol, i am coming over. right now," she informs me before hanging up.

the byeol two years ago would deny her offer. i had never let ina into my house. i was just scared that she'll see the truth. i was scared for her leaving.

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"i actually saw him at the graduation party with him and i didn't tell you because i didn't want to believe it," ina looked at me concerned while shiwang was playing in her arms.

"oh byeol, why didn't you tell me earlier," in her eyes tears had built, "ina, why are you crying?"

"it was probably so difficult for you and i was so stupid for not noticing. i am sorry. i was a bad friend," she started shedding tears, making me feel guilty.

i cupped ina's face and shook my head, "don't worry. it's my fault," she looked at me with her amazing looking eyes and sniffles, putting a smile on her lips.

"now stop this sadness, i am fine! besides, he's leaving to australia someday," i wipe her tears and her expression change quickly, "what?! he's leaving? you have to talk to him, byeol!" immediately i shake my head denying it.

"heeseung said that too, but is it that easy," i say looking at my girl, "also, he hurt me too much. i don't really want to talk to him."

"but why? byeol, you loved him," ina tries convincing me, "but he made me feel unworthy. do you know how much i was doubting myself afterwards? it hurt so much that i lost pieces of myself with him," she started nodding and giving me a worried face.

"maybe one day," i say before ina gets up, "think about it then, maybe your one day will be very soon," she hugs me goodbye and i wave her back.

"take care, i will think about it, also, i think i might be friends with heeseung again, if that's okay for you," she smiles and nods with no hesitation, "of course, i don't hate him anymore, next time i'll tag along," she winks as i laugh.

as soon as she left i got up and and put shiwang to sleep. i laid there for approximately three hours, thinking about heeseung and ina's words.

if it was that easy how they described i would've already done it.

i sighed as i took out my phone. i got up after reading the clock, getting ready to go to my place.

"dad, just to be safe can you lay next to her, i need to go out for a walk," i saw him sitting at the couch when he got up, "having a hard time?"

i nod as my dad pulls me in a hug, "i'll be back in thirty minutes, you can sleep on my bed then," i smile before leaving him alone in the living room again.

if i knew there was something waiting for me i would have never walked out of the door that night.