butterflies | ✓

rhapsodic.

Guilt clawed at my throat to the point that I had to see Gabriel. My heart pounded the whole way to his office, and the pause between my knock and his come in only made it worse.

It had been two days since I told him, and
I couldn't handle the worry anymore.

He smiled when he saw me, but it quickly transformed into a frown when he noticed my expression. "Lysel, what's wrong?"

"Send me home," I said. "Send me home right now."

"What?" He stood up and moved towards me, but I took a step back.

"You have to send me home," My voice was choked with the effort of holding back tears.

"I thought you wanted to stay? I thought that you loved me?"

"I do," I exhaled slowly, trying to slow my pounding heart. It didn't work. "I do. That's why you have to send me home, because I'd rather live in heartbreak and know that you're safe with someone else than live with worry because I don't know when they'll attack and take you from me."

"Lysel—"

"Send me home, Gabriel. Eliminate me. You and I both know that it's better this way."

"Damn it, no it's not! Don't you realize that this won't do anything?"

"It'll protect you, and that's enough."

He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You won't let this go, will you?"

"Never." I said. "And if you keep me here against my will, when you propose I'll reject you. Please, Gabriel. It's better this way."

He opened his eyes and watched me for a moment. He was waiting for me to take it back, to apologize and tell him that it was a stupid idea.

I didn't back down.

He sighed once again. "Fine. Fine. I'll let you go." He took a step closer and tilted my head up, pressing his lips against mine. I knew it would be the last time, and it made the kiss more bitter than sweet. "Just know that I love you, Lysel van Buren. I will only ever love you."

I closed my eyes. "I love you, too." I allowed myself another minute of being so close to him before I stepped away, towards the door. "I should pack my things."

He nodded in defeated agreement. "I'll let them know that I've eliminated you. A guard will meet you by the main doors to take you out to the plane. Goodbye, Lysel."

"Goodbye, Gabriel."

My maids cried as they helped me pack. Delilah, Corinna, and Fleur cried too, and their tears dripped onto the paper as they wrote their addresses and phone numbers. It made their blue ink run.

I didn't run into anyone on the way to the main doors. I had no other goodbyes. I didn't think I could face the princesses or princes. Two guards were waiting to lead me outside, and I allowed myself a single look back.

Gabriel wasn't there to stop me, and when part of me deflated, I realized that I had been hoping he would be.

۵

My parents and friends greeted me when I arrived. I collapsed into their arms, tears running down my face. They thought it was because Gabriel kicked me out. They didn't know that I'd begged him to send me home.

Later, I told them. It was after dinner. Arom yelled at me for leaving for such a stupid reason. She stormed out right after that, and Aaliyah went with her. María hugged me tightly and my mom told me that she didn't know if it was the right thing or not, but that she was proud of me for being so brave. I recognized the look in my father's eyes, and had to quickly look away.

The worst part was that I didn't even ache. Aren't you supposed to hurt when your heart is broken? I didn't hurt. There was no ache. There was a hollow place in my chest where my heart should have been, and I couldn't seem to stop crying, but I didn't ache.

Perhaps, I thought, this deadness inside is a feeling I'll have to get used to.