Close Protection

Post Traumatic Stress Fracture

I woke up in a bed, but I had no idea where the fuck I was; I was tucked up tightly and my head was fucking throbbing. As I opened my eyes wincing against the light I saw a familiar face staring down at me, blurred though it was.

"Hey you," Jennie said with a smile, "you had me worried there; how you feeling?"

That was a question, how was I feeling? Pretty shit as far as I could tell. My head was pounding and my vision was fucked. I stared up at Jennie's smiling face, my rattled brain blinking rapidly, trying desperately to bring her into focus.

"Where am I?"

It was the only question on my lips as I stared at her, confused and concerned.

"It's ok babe, you're in a hospital," she replied, drifting into focus as my eyes managed to make sense of the world. "You've had a nasty knock."

"What happened?" I asked, my memory not giving me the information I needed.

"You got hit in the head babe," she replied, reaching out to touch me, "one of the police officers we approached thought you were a threat and hit you with his rifle."

"Is that why my face hurts?" I replied, reaching up and tugging at a dressing that was attached to my forehead.

"I'm afraid so, now stop playing with it before you make it worse," she replied pulling my hand away from the dressing and across back down to the bed; squeezing my fingers tightly. "The policeman hit you quite hard; you've been out for ages."

"How long?" I asked, my mind trying to put two and two together from what I could see around me and getting nothing.

"About a day," she said shocking the fuck out of me. "Like I say he hit you pretty hard, bastard said he hit you because you were carrying a gun in a threatening way, and that we were lucky not to have been shot. It took a lot of fast talking to convince them you weren't a danger to them."

"A danger to them?" I repeated confused, having no idea what she meant, "I had my fucking hands up."

"That's what he said," she replied with a smile, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles soothingly, "and you didn't have your hands up hun, when you were in front of me you only had one hand up, the other was still on that rifle you were carrying. Originally they thought you were responsible for the attack; but I managed to convince them you weren't"

"How did you do that?" I asked wincing in pain as I sat up.

"It wasn't easy," she said with a smile, "but I think throwing myself across your body and sobbing my lungs out helped."

"You did that?" I asked, wondering why.

"Of course I did," she said caressing my cheek, "I thought they were going to kill you. Instead they stopped and got an interpreter and when I explained things they were all apologetic and brought you here to get you patched up; we've been waiting for ages for you to come around."

"We?" I replied, staring at her with confusion in my eyes, it was all too much; I didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

"Yes we," a familiar voice said from the other side of my bed. "You gave us all quite a scare there blondie." I turned towards that voice and saw the serious face of Kim Soohyun staring back at me, eyebrow raised.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I muttered, surprised to see the face of my boss here, half way around the world from where I had seen him last.

"There's gratitude for you, "he said winking at Jennie, "I drop everything and fly thousands of miles non-stop to get here and all I get is abuse from my staff...why the hell do you think I'm here Blondie? I'm here to see you." He patted me gently on the leg, "and Sungjae of course, but as his medical people won't let me in to see him at the moment, I've had to put up with sitting here all night waiting for you to get off your lazy ass and wake up."

"The LT's alive?" I asked in surprise, my pain fuddled brain struggling to accept it. I'd seen the state of that vehicle as we'd made our escape and it was tough to see how anyone could have survived it.

"Only just, Soohyun said shaking his head sadly, "and they doubt he'll ever walk again, but he's breathing on his own and that's a good sign for now."

I felt a spasm of guilt grip me, the LT was alive but crippled, and it was all my fucking fault; if I hadn't been twatting about with Jennie in the back of that car perhaps it wouldn't have happened.

"How is everyone else?" I asked Soohyun, ignoring Jennie with a pain that was palpable.

"Well like I said, Sungjae is out of surgery," he said with a frown, "he's in a bad way, but he's going to live. His driver was killed and Karl got pretty shot up too; he's back in surgery now, something about missing a bleeder. Apart from you four, no one else made it. It was a fucking mess Lisa, and the only reason anyone survived it was because someone distracted the ambushers."

"Who?" I asked, getting a squeeze on my leg from, presumably, Jennie.

"Well, actually blondie," Soohyun said, his drawl noticeable as he spoke, "I think that might have been you. From the reports I've been getting, you pretty much saved the day."

"I just did my job boss," I replied lying back against the sheets and closing my eyes, "nothing more than what you pay me for."

I hadn't though had I? I hadn't done my fucking job, I'd allowed myself to become distracted and other people had paid for my stupidity with their lives; and even if he lived, Sungjae was never going to walk again. Yet more people that I owed a debt to, yet more people to repay.

"More that that Lili," Emily said, and I felt her take my hand, "Much more than that; you saved my life again, saved all of us."

With some effort I resisted the urge to snatch my hand away, from her. I didn't want her gratitude for nearly killing her, just wanted to turn back the clock. I felt her grip me tightly, her hands warm and clammy as they surrounded mine.

"When can I get out of here?"I asked, hating the feeling of being in hospital again.

"They're going to keep you in for a while babe," Jennie replied causing me to groan in annoyance. "They want to make sure you're ok," she continued massaging my knuckles, "they were worried that you might have had a fractured skull and then they wanted to see how you were before they discharged you in case you had concussion."

"Talking of which, what happened to your helmet blondie?" Soohyun interrupted, changing the subject neatly. "I know you've got a thick skull an'all, but that might have helped."

"Lost it in the attack," I said simply, staring at him; trying to look innocent.

"You lost it?" he replied incredulously, though I could hear the teasing tone in his voice. "Well hell I may have to charge you for that Lisa. Can't just have my employee's losing their kit now can I? As I recall, that's a car and a helmet you've cost me now; you're fast becoming an expensive liability, kit wise that is."

"Well I didn't exactly have time to go pick it up you know," I replied, the banter falling easily from my lips. "I was kind of busy being shot at, again. I sort of had better things to think about than a bit of company property you know?"

"What could be more important than a piece of equipment that has been issued to you Sergeant Manoban?" Soohyun said barely holding the laughter out of his voice; Jennie looking between us confusedly, as if trying to work out if we were joking or insane.

"Well there was the small matter of having my package to keep alive boss," I replied simply; nodding towards Jennie, knowing that shot was going to be the winning goal in our little competition. "Not to mention the 'being shot at again' part."

"Well I', glad you had you're priorities straight regarding the job," he teased, adding, "and the 'being shot at, again', does tend to focus the mind my friend, even I cannot argue with that."

He teased me for a bit longer, nothing too serious, but all the time getting my side of what had happened. It was probably one of the most relaxed debriefs that I'd ever had, but it really wasn't a subject I wanted to discuss right there and then andSoohyun probably knew it.

"So when can I get out of here?" I interrupted finally having enough, feeling the throbbing in the side of my head get worse as the conversation went on, "...and can someone please get me some aspirin or something?"

"You'll get out when the docs say you can Manoban," Soohyun said switching tack immediately, but with finality in his voice. "As for the aspirin, well I'll go find someone and see if they can't get you something."

"Thanks," I muttered as I heard a chair scrape backwards.

"No worries," Soohyun said as his hand rested on my shoulder, "I'm fucking proud of you blondie; you get some rest now ok? Sooner you rest, sooner you're out of here."

"Sure boss," I said sinking back further into the pillows with a sigh, "will do."

There was a silence in the room after a door swung shut, a silence that was only broken by the sound of breathing; mine and Jennie's. The silence hung over us for what felt like hours, neither of us seemingly willing to do anything about it. All I wanted right now was for her to take the hint and leave me alone, leave me in peace with my thoughts. All I could think about was the moments before the attack; that happy moment of joking and kissing before the world all changed. I could feel the familiar tendrils of guilt creeping through me, telling me what I already knew; I'd fucked up, I'd fucked up big time.

"Lili," Jennie said finally startling me into opening my eyes, she got up from her chair and sat on the edge of the bed, her hand still gripping mine. "You did it again baby, you saved my life again; I have no idea how I'm going to repay you for that, thank you seems so utterly pathetic."

"It's what I do," I said as her lips gently touched me, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek.

"Doesn't mean I love you any less for it baby," she whispered as she leant back suddenly as a nurse walked into my room, followed by a grinning Soohyun. Without blinking he sat on the other side of my bed and grabbed my hand, mirroring Jennie exactly, leaning down to kiss me on the cheek as well.

"Now I brought you a nice nurse with some lovely painkillers dear," he said with a wink, "so don't be an arse and do as she says."

"Fuck off boss," I told him with the first hint of a smile on my face. His humour was infectious and, despite the fact I knew I had nothing to smile about, I couldn't help reacting.

That's more like it blondie," he said with a grin, "I was convinced for a few minutes there that you had some form of brain damage you know?"

"Fuck off boss," I repeated taking the tablets the nurse was holding out, his face stoney at our banter, "go get me a drink of water."

"Hey, I am the boss remember?" Soohyun said, laughing finally and trying desperately to look affronted. "Get your own damned water."

"I'll go and get you some Lili," Jennie said getting up from the bed and smiling at the nurse who was still looking at us all. "I'll get you some bottled stuff just in case; I think I saw a vending machine down the hall."

"Where do you think you're going?" I said trying to get out of bed; wincing slightly as Soohyun's hand stopped me from moving; pressing on my chest and pushing me back.

"Easy blondie," he said removing his hand at my angry look. "Jennie's in no danger out there, there's cops crawling all over this place right now. I'll stand in the doorway and watch her all the way if it makes you feel better."

"You should still go with her boss," I said quietly as the nurse finally headed for the door. I had no idea if he could speak English, so I kept my comments all business. "I'm only in here because I dropped my guard for a second, let's not fuck up again."

"Dropped your guard," Jennie said, spinning on her heels as the nurse fucked off. "When did you drop your guard? It's not your fault that stupid bastard hit you with his rifle."

I shook my head, annoyed with myself that she overhead me, happy that she misunderstood what I meant.

"Not your fault," she repeated firmly walking out of the door before Soohyun could move. I gestured at him to follow her, but he smiled and shook his head, pointing at the window where I saw a familiar face.

"Is that Andy?" I asked as the figure walked away, following Jennie as she went in search of my bottled water.

"In the flesh," Soohyun replied, "called up the office while I was getting a flight organised and asked if I needed support over here. After he heard about the attack he wanted to make sure you and Jennie were ok; he's a good guy, a real asset."

"Yeah," I said softly, he was a good guy, they all were; all better than me anyway.  Manoban had struck again. I'd let myself become close to people, Jennie, the LT, Soohyun; I'd become close to them all, let my guard down and fucked up. I was a jinx, a liability, a fucking curse.

For the second time in my short life I made a vow that no-one would get hurt again because of me and my carelessness, no-one else would have to die because of me; and this time I meant it.

o+o+o

The doctor came to see me not long after Jennie came back with my water, the painkillers I'd been given barely scratching the surface of the headache I had. After some poking and prodding and the obligatory shining of a fucking torch in my eyes, the white coated wanker jabbered away at his colleague who translated the bad news.

"We would like you to stay in overnight. Make sure there are no complications," he said in broken English; broken English that was better than my broken Arabic. "If all is well you can leave tomorrow."

I wasn't happy, but I didn't really have a choice; Jennie and Soohyun letting me know in no uncertain terms that leaving the hospital wasn't an option. As the night drew in I was left in my bed, feeling alone and fucking miserable. Jennie had left, gone back to the hotel for a clean up and some food at my insistence; Soohyun going with her, acting in my stead. She'd promised to return as soon as she was done, but I'd told her to get some sleep instead.

My head was still reeling from the events of the day; my mind replaying every moment, every second, every single heartbeat from the beginning to the end. After I was served a bowl of soup and some bread for my meal it was drugs time, and I was given a pill to help me sleep. Normally I would have thrown it across the room, but this time I swallowed it happily, hoping for oblivion.

o+o+o

I could feel the sun on my face and heard the sounds of battle raging around me; opening my eyes I found myself in a familiar rocky hollow, the cold air freezing my breath in front of me as I surveyed the scene. I knew precisely where I was, how could I not? It was the place, ten miles outside Gereshk, where my life as I knew it ended.

As the hollow went silent, the sounds of battle fading away into the distance, the hollow being surrounded by the grey fog that I knew so well. I could taste the arid odour of burning rubber; smell the familiar smell of death and decay. I knew exactly what was coming.

"Why did you kill us Manoban? Why?"

The figures loomed menacingly out of the fog; the faces, new and old, beginning to solidify as they shuffled towards me. Faces of Nigel and the Aussie and the two drivers; people who's names I couldn't even remember, who'd died because of me.

"Why did you kill us Manoban? Why? Why did you kill us Manoban? Why did you let us down?"

I protested my innocence as I always did; I hadn't got them all killed, most of the time I'd just been there, an innocent bystander. Joanna had told me that over and over again in an attempt to assuage my guilt; somewhere in my subconscious though, I obviously didn't believe her.

"You failed us all Manoban," Bambam said pushing his way to the front of the figures, standing in front of me, the blood still pouring from that huge ugly wound. "You fail everyone."

"I didn't fail you Bambam," I shouted, "it was your turn; I know that now, it was your fucking turn."

"It was your job Manoban; it was your job to go first." He replied, his dead eyes boring into mine.

"You failed your best friend," McClair said, appearing next to Bambam, my accusers standing side by side as they had over so many nights. "You failed him like you fail everyone that you are supposed to care about, like you failed me."

"You even failed the Lieutenant," Bambam said, his hand rising to point at me. "We saw him before they called him back. You failed Sungjae and you nearly killed him too, and you know you'll do it again."

"I made one mistake," I screamed, "One! I took my eye off the ball for one second and we got attacked, it wasn't my fault."

"It's always your fault Manoban," a new voice called out, a familiar voice, one that I knew immediately.

The crowd in front of me parted, a smaller figure walking through them to stand between McClair and Bambam. As the others faded into the fog I was left in the hollow alone, alone with the diminutive red head that was starring at me, her head bleeding from a long gash across her forehead, her body riddled with bullet wounds.

"It's always your fault," she repeated as I was struck dumb by the sight of her shattered body, her left arm hanging loosely by her side. "You always make mistakes; you always fuck up when you're really needed."

I shook my head as she raised her right hand accusingly, "Why did you kill us Manoban," she said, and my stomach lurched. "Why? Why did you kill me Lili? Why did you kill us all?"

o+o+o

I woke with a start, the smell of burning rubber still lingering from the nightmare that had gripped me; my scream of horror lost in a painfully dry throat. Breathing heavily I reached out to grab my bottle of water from the cabinet to my left, only to get the relief of my life; fast asleep with her head resting on the edge of my bed was my Jennie, alive and well, my dream obviously just one more stupid nightmare.

For a few moments I simply stared at her, my need for water forgotten as I drank her in; her utter perfection showing itself as she slept. In the dim light from the hallway she looked like a film star; like a heroine from a bygone age of beauty and glamour.

"She wouldn't stay away," I heard Soohyun say as I ran my hand through the red hair.

"I guessed as much," I whispered back, careful not to wake her, looking towards the sound of his voice to see him sitting in a chair by the door.

"Would you believe she actually threatened to kick me in the balls if I didn't bring her straight back here?"

"I'd believe it," I replied; thinking how like her it actually was. Soohyun didn't really know Jennie, not as well as I did anyway; I knew her strength, her passion, her absolute commitment to everything she held dear, seemingly including me.

"She seemed pretty concerned about you blondie, I kept telling her you were made of stronger stuff and that she shouldn't worry, and that she should just get some rest; but she just kept telling me that her place was here by your side. Little girl has got it bad for you, but then you knew that didn't you?"

"Guess so," I said looking down at her. "But then she's hardly the sharpest pencil in the case is she? I'm not exactly a catch."

"Aw, you're not that bad Lisa; everyone likes you you know? You're not as bad as you like to think you are."

"Fuck you Soohyun," I said with a smile on my face, brushing Jennie's hair with my hand as she stirred slightly.

"Fuck you right back blondie," he whispered, winking at me as Jennie's head lifted from the bed, her big eyes blinking rapidly as she gradually woke.

"Why are you awake?" she muttered looking at her watch. Yawning and covering her mouth with her arm she stared at me with concern in her eyes; "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine," I said as her hand reached out to grip mine, "I had a bit of a bad dream that woke me up that's all, nothing serious."

Jennie frowned at me, her face furrowing, "it wasn't another nightmare was it? They're not back again are they?"

"Nah," I replied gingerly shaking my head, lying through my teeth; my front ones, and my back ones. "It was just a bit of a bad dream that's all; nothing I wouldn't have expected after today's...yesterday's events."

"You will tell me," she said, reaching out to take my hand once more, yawning noisily, a yawn that disguised what she said after that. "You will won't you?"

"I'm fine," I lied again, guessing what she meant; pulling back my hand to cover my mouth as I caught her yawn, "you look shattered, why don't you go back to sleep?"

Jennie yawned again and blinked, looking at us both, "because I've only just woken up babe," she replied disagreeably, "and you're awake so why would I want to go straight back to sleep?"

"Because you usually do," I replied slyly, getting an amused snort from Soohyun.

"Oh piss off," she said sitting up and rolling the cricks out of her neck; her hair swishing attractively in the dim light. She was perfect, totally and utterly perfect and I had nearly denied the world that perfection through my carelessness. She was wonderful and I had nearly killed her, I couldn't do it again. I couldn't allow someone I loved to die because of my unthinking stupidity.

I knew what I had to do; I had to make sure the woman I loved stayed alive.

I had to end this, I just had to.

o+o+o

There was a faint hint of warmth as we walked out of the airport, London's afternoon air filled with the damp humidity that was typical of a British summer. I cut a forlorn figure as I walked across the pavement to the waiting car.

"Jesus Lisa, that's one hell of a bruise," Yeaji said as she opened the door and got out, opening the boot for our luggage. "Are you and Jennie having a competition or something?"

"We thought we'd get matching bruises," Jennie said as she hugged the brunette, "you know? It's a 'couple' thing, like matching anoraks except a lot more painful."

"I think matching anoraks is painful enough," Yeaji said shuddering dramatically. "How are you doing Lisa?"

"Soohyun said to say he'll be back in a couple of days," I said ignoring her question, "he said he's going to wait with the LT until he's allowed to leave."

"Poor Sungjae," Yeaji said frowning, "how is he doing?"

"He's alive, but they say he'll never walk again," I told her sadly, the pain still too much to bear.

"Soohyun told me last time we spoke," Yeaji replied with a sad shake of her head, "he said they thought Sungjae had broken his back; he's hoping that when they get him home he might be able to get better treatment than out there."

"I have my fingers crossed for him," Jennie interrupted as I ushered her into Soohyun's convertible. "I've arranged for the best treatment we can get, mum has called in a few favours as well. We'll look after him, it's the least we can do."

"He'll appreciate that," Yeaji replied as she climbed into the driver's seat. "Joy is understandably frantic; Soohyun has told her not to fly out though, he promised her that he'll stay with him as long as it takes."

"I heard," I replied, trying not to think about the consequences of my stupidity. "I hope he's right, Soohyun told me he was hoping that some decent treatment over here will prove the Iraqi medical people wrong."

"Here's hoping," Jennie said squeezing my leg, "he's a really good guy; he doesn't deserve to end up crippled because of me and my stupid job."

'Because of me actually' I thought as Yeaji started the engine and drove us away from the airport. It was all my fault I knew, and I didn't need people constantly reminding me of it.

"So how are you feeling Jennie?" Effy said, looking at me in the rear view mirror, "Soohyun told me you guys were lucky to be alive."

"I'm fine," Jennie said hooking her arm into mine. "I keep having nightmares about it all, but I think that's normal."

"Normal?" Effy exclaimed with a snort. "I bet it is; I still have bad dreams about what happened when I first met Lisa, those two guys terrified me."

"Me too," Jennie replied making me feel even worse. "I still have the odd bad dream about the first time I met Lisa too; fortunately she's around still to keep me safe."

"Reassuring isn't it?" Yeaji said, our eyes meeting in the mirror, hers squinting as she looked into mine. "Just as well we keep her around then isn't it?"

"You're telling me," Jennie said squeezing my arm affectionately. It didn't make me feel better; in fact it made me feel worse. She'd summed things up neatly there, she was having nightmares about the attacks, both of them; attacks that coincided with my arrival in her life. I had been trying to make the break from her for days now, practically since I was released from that shitty Iraqi hospital, but I just hadn't been able to do it; every time I thought I had the opportunity something happened, or I simply lost my bottle. Failing over and over again I'd finally taken the cowards option, resorting to the same tactic that had worked with every other relationship I'd had; slowly pulling back, pushing her away and hoping she'd do the dirty work for me, like Amy had...eventually.

"Well we'd better make sure nothing happens to her then," Yeaji replied, her blue eyes locked on mine; I simply frowned at her questioning look, ignoring her and looking away, staring out of the window as we travelled towards home in silence.

o+o+o

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Yeaji said as we sat in Jennie's living room waiting while she unpacked her things.

"Nothing," I replied carefully, knowing that nothing was further from the truth.

"Fuck off Lisa," Yeaji replied sneering at me, "I may not know you well, but I know you well enough to know there's something wrong with you."

"I'm fine," I told her, getting a raised eyebrow in response. "I am!"

"You are what babes?" Jennie said appearing in the doorway a tray in her hands.

"Fine," I replied, frowning at Yeaji's look. "Yeaji was just saying that I was looking a bit tired and I was saying that I'm fine."

"Well that's good," Jennie said, placing the tray on the table and pouring us all drinks, "Because I know you've not been sleeping well recently."

"I told you that were looking a bit pale, have you not been sleeping Lisa?" Yeaji probed, staring right at me. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Nothing that should concern you," I replied coldly, getting an annoyed nudge from Jennie as she sat next to me. Yeaji just continued to stare at me as she sipped at her tea, her expression guarded, her face unreadable.

"Lisa's been a bit troubled since the incident," Jennie said, neatly compartmentalising everything that had happened to us in one neat word. 'Incident' it made it sound so sterile, so simple, so fucking clean. That day had been anything but clean, and my nights had been filled with it over and over again.

"I don't blame her though," Jennie continued endlessly blathering on, reminding me a little of Amy. "I've been having trouble sleeping too, but I'm not so stubborn that I won't take a pill to get by."

"I don't like talking drugs," I replied putting down my empty cup with a loud clink. "I've taken enough of them for a lifetime over the last few days."

"Babe you've not slept properly for over three days now," Jennie said sighing and leaning her head against my shoulder. "You're worrying me."

"I don't need sleep Jen," I said with a frown, "I just need a bit of peace and quiet, that's all."

"You need to sleep Lisa," Yeaji said, looking across at Jennie, a fleeting glimpse of concern in her eyes; "it's making you grumpy by the sounds of things. If you're going to keep snapping at us all then I think you should take one of Jennie's pills or some decent painkillers and crash out. I'll stay with her if it makes you feel any better."

"Thanks but no thanks," I replied thinking that in the event of an emergency yeaji would be nigh on useless. "No offence Yeaji, but you're not exactly the bodyguard type, you know what I mean?"

"True," she said with a shake of her head at my comments, "but I can make a phone call and have Andy here again if you'd like? He hasn't gone back to Bath yet."

"I'm fine," I replied getting a serious look in return.

"I think I'll make that phone call anyway Lisa; I really think it would do you good, you look done in. What do you think Jennie?"

"Oh for fucks sake, whatever," I said before Jennie could join in the nagging, getting up and grabbing my bag from the corner of the room; picking it up and carrying it to my room, ignoring the looks from the two of them as I walked out.

I was messing about in 'my' room when I head a knock at the door; before the others could do something stupid I abandoned my still packed case and walked out into the hallway, peering out through the spyglass.

"Sarge," Andy said as I opened the door carefully, peering out into the hallway for a sign of danger. "Miss Seo called me, said you needed backup?"

"Need a break," I replied as I let him in, closing the door after him but not applying all of the latches as usual.

"Well that's what I'm here for boss," he replied with a wink as he stepped into the living room, waving at Jennie and Yeaji. I could hear the familiar greetings as I walked back to my room, leaving them to it as they said their hellos.

I listened to the polite chatter between them feeling deeply troubled, all the time recovering in Iraq had showed me that I was too damned close, that I was so close I couldn't isolate myself the way I needed to, the way Andy could. I was far too close and it was affecting my ability to think, let alone do my job. I'd never been in a situation like this and it was messing with my head in a big way; a very big way.

I could hear them talking about me as I loitered in the hallway, Jennie and Yeaji's voices carrying clearly as I leant against the wall.

"How is she really holding up Jennie?" Yeaji asked, "She doesn't seem herself."

"I don't know Yeaji, she seems so withdrawn these days, it's not like her."

"She has gone through a pretty traumatic experience," Yeaji replied calmly, "you all have; you've got to give her time that's all. Post traumatic stress and all that, didn't you say she's had it before?"

"Yeah, a few times I think, she told me about when we discussed her nightmares," Jennie replied and I frowned at the fact that she'd obviously been discussing me with Yeaji; at fucking length by the sounds of things.

"I'm sure she'll sort herself out," Yeaji replied, "she just needs a bit of time and a lot of support that's all."

"I hope you're right about that Yeaji," Jennie continued, making my heart sink that little bit more. "I really hope you're right."

I left them to their chat, heading back into my room and sorting myself out as they gossiped about me. I'd just managed to zip up my case when I heard a knock on the doorframe and looked up to see Yeaji staring at me, an eyebrow raised.

"Something you want to share?" she asked, nodding at the case on the bed.

"Not really," I replied, sitting on the bed in front of my case blocking it from her view. "I'm just sorting out a few things, that's all."

"Really?" she replied, folding her arms, "we thought you were sleeping not packing."

"I'm doing neither," I said, choosing my words carefully, "but I am thinking of putting my head down for a bit now you've interfered and got Andy here."

"Don't be mad Lisa," Yeaji said coming over and sitting on the bed next to me. "You clearly need rest and Soohyun did ask me to keep an eye on you, he said you've been blaming yourself for what happened...is that true?"

"None of his fucking business," I said harshly, looking for a hint of anger in her eyes at my words, but finding nothing but sadness.

"Ah," she replied calmly, "I'll take that as a yes then. Jennie's worried about you Lisa, Soohyun is worried about you; fuck it even I'm worried about you, if you need to talk this out with someone I'm here, you know that don't you?"

"I've got a shrink for that thanks," I replied a little bit bitchily I thought, but not able to help myself, "if I need to talk to someone I think she'll be my best bet don't you?"

"Ok Lisa," Yeaji said sighing and getting up, "if you don't want anyone to help you then that's fine; doesn't mean we won't stop trying. We all love you, you know?"

She walked over to the doorway and paused, not turning around. "One of us loves you more than everyone else though Lisa...and you need to think about her too."

'I am,' I thought to myself as Yeaji closed the door, 'that's who I am thinking about.'

o+o+o

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, willing myself towards a sleep that sought desperately to evade me. After about half an hour I gave up, standing up and walking into the bathroom to rinse off my face. I could hear the others talking as I walked into the hallway, their voices sounding happy, a mood that did not suit my own. I thought about walking away, walking back into my room and away from them all but before I could, there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," I heard Andy say as I put my eye to the glass to see Minah and Jisoo stood in the hallway, their respective CPO's flanking them, eyes alert. Carefully I opened the door and looked out, watching Minah's eyes light up as she realised it was me.

"Oh I'm sorry Sarge," Andy said from behind me as he realised I had beaten him to the door. "I thought you were asleep, any problems?"

"No problems," I said shutting the door again and unhooking the chain before swinging it open again to let the crowd into Jennie's tiny flat.

"Lisa!" Minah exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tightly. "Oh my dear child you've done it again, what would we do without you."

"Ooof," I exclaimed as she squeezed the very life out of me. "Please Minah I can't breathe."

"Sorry, sorry," she mumbled as she released me, her hands resting on my shoulders as she looked at me, her eyes flicking to the ugly little wound on my head. "Forgive me for saying it but you look terrible dear; that must hurt a lot."

"Not really," I said flatly, shaking my head. "It's pretty much gone down now, no pain left."

"Well that's a relief, other than that are you ok dear?" she asked, her voice filled with concern.

"I'm fine," I told her, repeating something that I'd repeated a hundred million times over the course of my life "don't worry about me Minah, all part of the job."

'I'm fine' had become my mantra over the years, becoming the door to the hiding place where I put everything that I couldn't deal with. 'I'm fine' I'd told people when I was being bullied at school, 'I'm fine' I'd said to the few people I'd spoken to after mum died. 'I'm fine' I'd said all the way through my combat tours, as I faced the daily horrors of war. 'I'm fine', 'I'm always fucking fine'; except I knew that this time I wasn't. I was broken, something was very wrong in my head and I needed to sort it out.

Minah opened her mouth as if to reply, as if about to question what I had tried to assert, then to my relief turned away as Jennie called for her from the doorway, staring at her cut head in horror. I wasn't alone for long as mother and daughter embraced, finding myself caught up in an awkward and embarrassed hug from Jisoo Kim-Jung herself.

"Nice job again Manoban," she said softly, patting me on the back.

"All part of the service," I replied again trying a bit harder this time; my voice light, but still unemotional.

"Yeah, but even so it must have been scary shit to go through," she said stepping away from me with a genuine smile. "I'm proud of you Manoban," Jisoo added to my surprise, "Thank you for keeping Jennie alive again, even if she does piss me off a lot." She winked at me as Jennie muttered something about the feeling being mutual, the detail muffled by Minah's tight embrace. With a smirk Jisoo turned from me and stepped over to her sister, giving her a warm embrace of her own as soon as Minah finally released her.

I took a second to process her words, I really hadn't thought of it like that; as being something to be scared of. It had actually felt pretty fucking awesome to be doing what I was good at; the fear came later, the fear and the guilt. Fear of failure, and the guilt of letting people down.

With a bustle of family noise they all vanished into the living room, joining Yeaji in a barrage of words; my ears filled with the sound of tears and raised voices. As I locked down the front door I heard Andy taking orders for drinks; before walking out, leaving the guests and their hostess to their conversations.

"Can I get you anything to drink Sarge?" he called out as he saw me walk down the hallway. "Cup of tea or glass of wine perhaps?"

"Peace and quiet," I said shaking my head at his offer, nodding at Richard as he too walked out into the hallway. "I think I'm going to bed, keep an eye on them would you?"

"As ever Sarge," Andy replied seriously, "sleep well."

"Yeah," I sighed as I headed for my room, "I'll certainly try."

In the end there was too much noise for me to sleep, the family and Yeaji talking in the living room about what had happened, their voices and the snatched words I caught preventing my mind from finding calm. I'd tried every technique Joanna had taught me for relaxing myself, breathing, imagining, everything; nothing was working, nothing at all. Every time I closed my eyes I was faced with the burnt in image from my continuing nightmares, the image of a dead Jennie haunting my waking moments as well as my sleep.

With an annoyed groan I gave in to my disturbance and got out of bed; grabbing my jacket and pulling it on, before slipping my feet into my trainers. I didn't even bother to unlace them in my haste; just stamping down on the heels and wriggling my feet until they were in. Done, I grabbed the rest of my shit from the bottom of the bed where I'd dumped it; keys, money all the usual crap that filled your pockets at all times. My hand hovered over my phone before drawing back, leaving it lying where it was; what I needed was peace and quiet, what I didn't need was to be contactable right now.

Tucking my stuff into my pockets I slipped out of the flat, my passing going completely unnoticed from those in the living room, including to my disgust the three security people that were supposed to be working. I fought the need to bark out my displeasure, treating them like a group of raw recruits on a parade square; I wanted to go in there and read them the riot act, but who was I to do that anymore? What they were doing wasn't dangerous, what they were doing wouldn't get anyone killed.

I eased the key into the night latch and silently closed the door behind me, heading for the lift in a few short steps. Five minutes later I was in the comforting embrace of the plush seats of my truck, finding it in its space exactly as Richard had promised it would be when I handed him the keys days before. Half an hour later I was far away, headlights blazing away as I drove through the night. I didn't have a destination in mind, didn't even know where I was going until the beams from the lights lit up a large granite stone carved with the words 'Chelmsford Cemetery'.

It was locked up for the night, of course it was, but that didn't stop me; I'd climbed over higher and more dangerous things than a couple of fancy gates in my time. I walked along the grave paths until I found myself standing on the neatly trimmed grass in front of the grave of my oldest and dearest friend.

"I did it again Bam," I said quietly, staring at the three words that marked his name. "Fucked up again mate, as per usual; nearly got Jennie killed this time, fucking crippled the LT, killed everyone else..."

I poured out my heart in that grim setting, sitting on the damp grass under the cloudy sky. I don't know how long I was there, but at some point it started to rain, a steady summer deluge that soaked me to the skin. I didn't care, it seemed quite fitting and it had the added advantage of washing away the tracks of my unwanted tears as I broke down as I retold my story to the air. The rain had long since stopped when I was startled out of my mental fog by a bright light shining in my face, I looked up to see two torches approaching me and raised my arm to stop being dazzled by the beam.

"Stay where you are," a harsh voice called out, "don't make any movements."

I raised both my hands and placed them behind my head, my fingers intertwined, slowly the torches approached until I could make out the shapes of two police officers walking towards me.

"What are you doing here miss," one of them said, "this is private property."

"I know," I said not moving an inch, "I came to see my friend." I nodded down at Bambam's grave, "I've just come back from Baghdad and I needed to talk to him, I wasn't going to cause any trouble."

"You Army or something?" the other copper said, shining his torch over the headstone.

"Ex-Military Police," I told him, "I work as a private security consultant now."

"Bodyguard huh," the first guy said, leaning over and saying something quietly to his colleague who nodded and walked away. "So why are you here?"

"Got the shit shot out of me a couple of days ago," I replied slowly moving my arms and gesturing at the bruising and cut on my face. "Just sort of found myself here. Bambam was, well he was my best mate; he was killed in Afghanistan a few years ago."

"Doesn't explain why you are here Miss..."

"Manoban," I replied, "Lisa Manoban. Like I said, I don't know why I'm here really, I was out driving, trying to get my head together that's all...I just ended up here, I guess I had a need to talk to him; does that make sense?"

"A little," he replied, "do you have any identification on you Miss Manoban?"

I passed over my wallet, my business cards tucked away with my credit cards. He stepped away and thumbed through it carefully and I could hear him running an ID check with someone at his station. As we waited his colleague appeared from wherever he'd been hiding and wrapped a silver blanket around my shoulders; probably worried I'd sue them if I got hypothermia or something. We waited in silence before someone somewhere verified that I was a real person and they escorted me out of the cemetery and back to my car.

"Right Miss Manoban," The copper who had first approached me said sternly, "given the circumstances we're not going to take this any further this time, but could I suggest that if you feel the need to visit your friend's grave that you do it at the proper time."

"I will, sorry," I said contritely, "it won't happen again."

"Drive carefully Miss Manoban the other guy said taking the blanket that I held out to him, "and can I suggest you get into some dry clothes, it's not been a great summer so far and we wouldn't want you to catch your death."

I nodded my thanks and climbed into the truck, starting the engine and pulling off as they looked on. A little bit of self-reflection left me feeling like a bit of a prick, breaking into a cemetery to sit in the dark next to a grave; it was so unlike me it's untrue. I don't even like cemeteries, but I'd found it to be oddly calming pouring out my heart to the empty space; almost as calming as I did when I used to go and talk to mum whist I was tidying her plot and leaving fresh flowers.

For someone that didn't believe in all that shit, I seemed to be doing a lot of it; but it had helped me to work things out; perhaps fucking Joanna had been right.

I drove the long way back to Jennie's from Chelmsford as dawn began to break; following the M25 in a long circle back to where I started, before turning off and heading into the city and St John's Wood. My clothes were in that uncomfortable stage between wet and dry, my hair still plastered to my skull. I wasn't enjoying my drive back to where I lived, but then again why should I? Why should I enjoy anything at the moment?

Shivering slightly, despite the air-conditioning pumping out hot air, I pulled up in my usual space in Jennie's basement garage and sat, engine still running, unable to move. I looked a fucking mess, even my basic attempts at make-up had been ruined by rain and tears; my face streaked and blotchy. Fortunately I didn't see anyone on my way back to the flat, my embarrassment hidden from view. I didn't see anyone as I entered the flat either; no-one to accost me as I opened the door, Andy fast asleep on the sofa. I shook my head and padded down the hallway to my room, opening and closing the door as silently as I could.

I was cold, very cold and as I stripped my damp and smelly clothes from my body, ripping off the soaked dressing for good measure; wincing as the tape tore from my skin. I grabbed my sweats from the back of a chair where I had left them and pulled them on, slipping under the covers; and, feeling comfortable for the first time in hours, fell into another restless sleep.

o+o+o

I woke from another nightmare with a half stifled scream, Jennie's accusing voice haunting me once more; her charnel-house breath lingering in my nostrils as I panted my way back to consciousness. I flopped back onto the pillows feeling physically sick as I did so, swallowing back a throat-full of stomach bile that had been threatening to escape. As I lay there, trying to calm my breathing, a pair of intense eyes stared down at me, a question behind them.

"Don't," I muttered closing my eyes to avoid the gaze, I hadn't realised anyone was in the room when I'd climbed into bed; let alone noticed that someone else was sharing my bed.

Don't what?"

"Just don't," I told her putting my arm across my eyes to hide from the stare that I could now feel through my closed eyes. "Just leave me alone."

"Not a chance; where the fuck did you go last night Lisa, and why didn't tell anyone you were going, or at least take your phone?"

"I went out," I said, trying to compose myself, "I needed some time alone."

"You scared the shit out of everyone, you do know that don't you?"

I snorted at that, "no-one even noticed me leave Yeaji, so don't give me that shit."

"Doesn't mean that you didn't scare people Lisa," Yeaji said, her voice telling me she was more than a little annoyed, "Jennie was fucking frantic when she realised you'd snuck out."

"I didn't sneak out," I said coldly. "I couldn't sleep; everyone was talking keeping me awake so I decided to go for a drive...what's the big fucking deal? Andy was here to make sure Jennie was secure."

"Not the point Lisa," Yeaji continued her voice starting to grate on my tired brain, "and what are you doing in here, why aren't you in your own room?"

"This is my room," I said closing my eyes again, "look pictures on the walls, clothes in the drawers and everything. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get some fucking sleep."

I heard Yeaji sigh, the bed shifting as she climbed out. I heard a rustling of clothes as she got dressed, pulling the duvet over my head to drown her out; seconds later it was dragged from my body and I sat up with a glare, grasping the edge tightly, yanking it out of Yeaji's grasp.

"You need to sort this shit out Lisa," Yeaji said glaring at me accusingly. "Jennie told me all about what's been happening between you since the attack; she say's you've been really distant, that you've not been sleeping or if you have you've been crashing out anywhere but with her. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothings wrong with me," I lied, wrapping the duvet around myself protectively; "and if there was, it's got fuck all to do with you. Now if you don't mind..."

I gestured towards the door, eyes stoney; matching her glare ice shard for ice shard. Eventually Yeaji blinked and turned away, shaking her head as she went. She paused by the door for a second as I tossed the duvet back out over my feet, "Look Lisa, I can guess how tough it was for you, for you both; Jennie told me all about what happened last night. She's struggling with it as much as you are; please stop pushing her away, it's not helping either of you."

I didn't answer her, I had nothing to say. Pushing Jennie away was helping; it was helping keep her alive. I couldn't be responsible for her death, I just couldn't. As I pulled the duvet over my head I heard her close the door behind her, and for the second time in twenty four hours I let my tears flow, and cried myself to sleep.

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