despondency

Lost

I think we can all agree that 2020 was the year that turned the world upside down. However for me, it did so much more than this. Yes I know, the world was in shambles but for me 2020 was the start line for a life full of all sorts of emotions.

In 2019 my grandad died in his sleep due to a heart attack. This was the first death I had ever been old enough to remember and it being someone so close to me was heartbreaking. I loved my grandad more than anything. He would always know what to do when I was having a tantrum (which I did a lot). Another thing about him is that he would always wear the exact same coat. No matter the weather, since I could remember whenever there was my grandad there was also the same sleeveless grey polyester coat. When he past away, my nan was set on throwing away his coat or at least giving it to charity. It's safe to say that I was not having this. As soon as I heard my nans plan for his beloved coat I stopped her and said;

"Can I have grandads coat?" To which she said yes. Since that day I have had his coat in bed with me. Every night I put it on, despite it being an XL and me an S, and sleep with it on. I'm sure that he would be happy with this as he loved this coat so much. Sometimes we would even joke that he loved it more than us, but I know that was never the case.

He didn't often express his emotions but all of us knew how much my grandad cared for us and we all felt the same. It's good to know that my grandad was loved by all of his family as if things weren't like this I just know I would have found his death 10 times harder.

I remember the exact moment I found out about his death. It was a Tuesday morning and my mom woke me up earlier than she would on a normal school day. If this had been any other day I would have been extremely confused but it wasn't. It just so happened that on Tuesday I had orchestra before school so me being woken up at this time was nothing out of the ordinary. The thing that made me realize something was wrong was when I saw my two brothers awake too. Yeah my older brother was normally awake by now too as he had high school but my younger brother? There was no way he would be up now if it was a normal Tuesday.

My parents brought the three of us into the lounge and sat us on the sofa. Almost immediately I felt my heart sink. Something wasn't right. My dad tried to speak but his voice broke and his eyes began to water. My heart sank further and further into my chest as I watched tears stream out of my dads eyes. I sat and watched in confusion and worry as my mom held him as he cried before she looked at us with a solum look plastered on her face. By now both my brothers were sharing my feelings of worry as we all knew something was wrong. This was the first time I remember seeing my dad cry and it still pains me to think about how hurt he looked.

"I am so sorry kids, but- Your..." Her voice broke and she chocked back tears. "I'm so sorry. Your grandad died last night." That was it. My heart had officially reached the bottom of wherever it had sunk to. However, being the young 11 year old girl I was I asked the stupidest question ever.

"Which one?" To be fair looking back it was a valid question. My moms dad had died before any of us were born but my dads dad and grandad were both still alive, to my knowledge, so I couldn't help but wonder which one had died. My mom looked at me and I watched as she too broke down just like my dad.

"Your grandad Bob." She whispered. I began to cry. I cried and cried and cried. Obviously I was going to cry either way but it being grandad Bob hurt so much more than Ted. Yes I loved them both but Ted was in his 90s and I didn't see him much. It was only natural for me to be closer to my other grandad. My brothers also started to sob. Actually I think they had started before me. I remember my older brother shooting me an angry look when I had asked my question as if to say "What are you doing! That's really insensitive!" and to be fair he was right.

My mom and dad looked at us with sorrow and they joined us on the sofa. They sat on either side of us and the five of us cried in each others arms. I missed school that day.