✨I Invented It!✨

Orochimaru Fucking Dies

Oh god oh fuck Orochimaru was real after all. And when Pewter shot Orochimaru with his Evolver, Orochimaru just ate the goddamn bullet. That was unfair! He was clearly hacking. Pewter tried to report him to God, but he wasn't actually personal friends with the guy. Instead, he kicked Orochimaru in the balls and ran away. Kabuto ran after him, but he kicked Kabuto in the balls too, then ran away again. Kabuto and Orochimaru lamented about how they were both kicked in the balls by this random guy who wasn't even a fucking ninja, and then they just cried while he ran back to the Leaf village. 

It had been thirteen years since the incident. Naruto hadn't been giga bullied for being a Jinchuriki and his dad was still alive. He was therefore not really sad all the time. Sasuke's parents were still alive and therefore he was a very happy kid. One day, however, Itachi poked his forehead for the umpteenth time, and Sasuke decided enough was enough. He became emo on the spot. Instantly, when he came to school, all the girls loved him, and about half the guys also secretly wanted to kiss him, but they didn't say that. Naruto and Sasuke were still rivals, but because they weren't so incapable of expressing emotions, they were also very openly best friends. Sakura was still just there, complaining about how she didn't get to be so cool while literally everyone else on Team 7 was. Pewter gave her a gun and then she also became very cool. Also Minato tried to teach her the Flying Raijin, but she sucked at it, so he dragged Tsunade back to the village and forced her to teach her to be giga strong and heal people well even earlier.

Anyway, now Pewter was in the Hokage's office again. "Lord Fourth, I ran into a very dangerous opponent. I shot him, and he didn't die." He said that very solemnly. 

"Oh. That sounds dangerous. Go back and fight him with a bunch of Jonin and ANBU." Minato clicked his fingers, and the room was suddenly filled with a bunch of... Jonin and ANBU members. Among them were Kakashi, Guy, Kurenai, Asuma and all the unimportant people that I don't care about who are also recurring characters in the anime. Tenzo was also there but he wasn't a Jonin now was he?

"Okay." Pewter shrugged. They all then set off to Orochimaru's hideout again. 

"So... What can you tell us about the man you faced?" Kakashi looked to Pewter with the one eye that wasn't covered by his headband. "Any abilities, what he looked like?"

"Hm... Well, he was really pale and he ate my bullet. So I guess he can eat bullets." Pewter shrugged. "Also he kind of looked like a snake in a weird way. I don't know how else to describe it. He had this nerdy looking boy with him. His name was... Orochimaru or something. I don't know, I just heard the boy call him something along those lines."

Everyone just went silent and stared at Pewter with blank faces. Well, this guy had taken down the Nine Tails thirteen years ago. Maybe it wasn't that weird for him to survive an encounter with Orochimaru.  "...Okay then." Kakashi looked forward again, eye narrowing a bit. "This might be a tough fight." 

It wasn't. When they arrived, everyone just stopped and stared, jaws stuck to the floor at the sight before them. The entire hideout was flooded. Kabuto and Orochimaru had cried so hard that they had literally flooded the entire place. They cried so much that they became severely dehydrated. Their headaches were so bad, and they couldn't move. They therefore just drowned in their own tears. Pewter had once again easily won his fight. 

"Oh. Well, I guess that's settled, then." Pewter shrugged, and just began walking back to the village. Everyone else followed suit, just whispering amongst themselves about this all. No one had expected Orochimaru to go out in such an undignified way. Sure, his attack on the Leaf during the Chunin exams had been stopped by Pewter just accidentally throwing a bottle of sake at him, but this was still Orochimaru they were talking about! 

Eventually, everyone else had returned home after filing the mission report. 

"Wow, Futa." Minato laughed, skimming through the paper on his desk. "Well, we don't get to see you in action too often, but you never cease to surprise us, huh? Good job." He hummed.

"Thank you. I try my best." When they first met, Pewter would have started crying hysterically at being called by his first name by someone who looked like Renju. But by now it had been such a long time since the guy had died, that he was starting to be able to move on. Sometimes he wondered how everyone else he'd left behind was doing without him and his massive intellect, but then he decided that it didn't matter. They would probably be fine, and he'd be fine too.

"Say, you want to go out for some drinks to celebrate? I'm just about done with everything for today. It would be nice to wind down a bit after such a long week. And you really should get something nice for what you just did for us again. I had no idea it was Orochimaru you were going to. I probably should have checked." Minato placed his elbow on his desk, leaning his head on his closed fit. "My treat, of course."

"Well, how can I resist such an offer from the Hokage himself? I'm honoured." Pewter hummed, waiting for Minato to get up. "Sounds like a fun time." Once Minato was up, they left the Hokage's McMansion together, and then proceeded to go bar hopping the entire night. There wasn't really any reason for them doing that- sure, both of them were still a little sad about their dead lovers, but mostly they just really wanted to get drunk, and so they did that. What a great first date: getting absolutely plastered together.