This Is Us

Chapter 15

  That nice, peaceful, uninterrupted sleep that I was so looking forward to never actually came thanks to my evening visitor. 

  I watched the clock , even though I willed myself to sleep, I know that I saw every single hour at least once. The night was honestly worse than when Walker was a newborn. At least when he was a newborn I could fall asleep in the rocker with him as I cradled him against my chest. But tonight was all on me and the fact that my life suddenly felt upside down.

  Some would say that my life was already upside down, so therefore if it got turned again it would finally be right side up. I'm pretty sure I don't agree with them as I never felt that Walker's diagnosis had turned it completely cock-eyed. I mean, sure I'd say maybe a good quarter turn before Ian's walk out led to another quarter turn, effectively now having made it upside down. 

  But Chris showing up at my house couldn't truly be considered a quarter turn in itself, another step for me to feel upright, could it?  No. Because ultimately he's just here to pass on a gift to a little boy that stole his heart right out of his chest when his mother admitted to his first word.  Anyone would feel some type of heartfelt way after that, right?

  Probably anyone but his father. 

  That thought alone is enough to have me flinging back the covers, giving up on sleep, at four in the morning.  Standing alone in my tiny kitchen I stare down the coffee pot, contemplating having a cup with a slice of the cheesecake I didn't finish.

  Yes, I suppose I could've shared with Chris but then I wouldn't be able to have it for breakfast now, would I?

  The other option is going for a run before hand, ya know work off the calories before I take them in. Who am I kidding, though? I ask myself, reaching into the cabinet for a mug. Self care is sometimes doing nothing at all, right? 

  Don't tell me if I'm wrong, I think to myself as I hum around the fork of a bite of Death by Chocolate. 

  Nope. Definitely not share worthy.

  Losing myself in the indulgence only lasts a good twenty minutes over my first cup of coffee.  I desperately want a second cup already but I finally start to feel my eyelids getting heavy.  I set the empty plate and cup down on the floor in front of my couch before I'm pulling off the thin blanket that runs along the back. 

  It's truly not a blanket for my size, seeing as how it is actually Walker's from his third birthday, a huge Captain America shield smack in the middle of it. It's a bit ragged and worn, frayed at the edges, much like I feel about myself. But none the less, it's at least enough to cover my chilly arms and drift off to sleep for a couple of non fitful hours.

  If I keep telling myself that this is nothing more than a short time for Chris to give Walker the shield, why do my hands keep shaking as I try my hardest to put on my make up and fix my  hair? 

  Could it be because I thought I saw him look at me a little differently? 

  Get real, AnnaBelle. You're looking for things that aren't there because no man has given you the time of day in years. 

  It's a harsh truth that I've come to terms with over time.  That last day with Ian was the last time a man purposely turned his head towards me, and it was just because he was slamming the door on his way out of our lives. I don't know what it's like to have someone do a double take in order to get a better look at me or my body.

  Nope. The double takes or second glances I get is usually because they're wondering why my child is misbehaving, grunting or screaming. Wondering why I can't control him or why I have him out in public at all. 

  I throw the  make up brush on my vanity out of frustration, knocking over the only bottle of perfume I own.  "Damn it." I stand there, my body beginning to shake as I watch the liquid soak into the old wood. I reach for my towel from my shower, pausing before I clean it up to dab my wrist into the liquid, putting it against the skin of my neck before rubbing both wrists together. 

  My brain never stops running rampant of fears, concerns for Walker. Then I feel guilty for even letting myself imagine what it might be like to feel the strong touch of a man's hand over my own. That part of my life walked away, leaving me to know that there would only be one guy in my life.

  My precious, Walker. 

  With him in mind, and forgetting about even the possibility of Chris' eyes lingering on me for more than a moment of 'hello,' I toss my hair into a ponytail and stop trying to make myself feel better with the make up. Outside of foundation I just take care of my lashes and put on some chapstick. 

  Why bother for anything more?

  I keep repeating that to myself as I put the cute yellow and floral romper back in my closet, questioning why in the world I ever bought it to begin with a year ago, the tags still hanging off of it. Instead, I reach for an old AC/DC band shirt and my skinny jeans before slipping into my old beat up white Converse sneakers that Walker had 'gifted' me two Mother's Day ago via Ally. 

 I don't even bother looking in the mirror again as I put in simple studs in my ears, grab my keys and head towards the restaurant. 

  It's nearing noon when Ally texts me to let me know she's leaving her house which is a good twenty minute drive without traffic. My hope of her coming and going before Chris arrives is cut short when there's a knock on my office door as soon as I set my cell down. 

  Freddie pokes his head in, the door only opened a crack. "You have a guest at the front. Want me to seat him?"  There's a smirk on his lips which automatically tells me that he recognizes the good Captain. 

  I sputter a big breath of air through my lips. "Seat him in the back left, by the big window. There's going to be three, maybe four. I'll be out in a second."

  He leaves, closing the door behind him. I slip my cell into my back pocket, glancing over at the screen of my computer as the screen changes to my screen saver, a photo of Ian, Walker and I from his first birthday. 

  "Someone give me reason to change you, please," I mumble to the empty room.

*Unedited

*I know, it's been a while for AnnaBelle and Walker. I'm sorry. Forgive me?