Collateral Damage

34

Audrey stared off into space, her mind wandering. The air blasted, a cool 65 but she couldn't hear it. It was inevitable that Alexander would return to work, and of course, so would she. But not yet.

Alexander demanded of her a year. A year of recovery. A year of rest, and then with a doctor's sign off, she would return to her place at her own company.

Until then she sat, rotting at home. She didn't think it would be so bad, actually. She'd spent her life, laboring and thought that rest would be the one thing she could never get enough of.

But it made her anxious, her hands fidgeting to do something productive.

Front door open.

Audrey looked up as Alexander walked in the door.

"This fucking acquisition, fuck honey, it's one acquisition after the next. I know end stage capitalism is all about cornering the market, and creating monopolies and doing like opposite of what caption is supposed to do but it's getting exhausting," Alexander ranted as he entered the house.

"What do you think of babies?"

"They look like old people and also potatoes and a lot of them have a soft part of their skull that actually pulsates and I find that revolting," he said simply, putting a pizza box on the counter.

"No, I mean would you have one?"

He frowned, and looked up. "Like rent one? Would I rent a baby? Is there...a service for that? Sounds questionable, morally. Or do you mean...like just own one? Ornamentally?"

Audrey pursed her lips. "I need you to use all of that one brain cell that floats around your large empty skull."

"Okay," he intoned.

"Would you ever want a baby. With me?"

Alexander heaved a sigh and looked at his young girlfriend.

"Fuck." He said looking away. "Fuck! I forgot! This was important, I should've talked about this before the I love you and the sex and the...I should've—" he pursed his lips and closed his eyes. "No."

"No?"

"No," he said resolutely. "I am not suitable to be a parent. I am working my ass off to be good enough for you. To love you the way you deserve and I'm...I'm trying. But I don't know if I have space in my heart for another person."

Audrey was silent causing him to flounder.

"Which is shitty I know," he explained hurriedly. "But, it's true. And I don't wanna find out the answer is no after a child is already here. I lived that. It's torture. Besides your body can't handle a child and I wouldn't want to chance it."

Alexander stared at Audrey and shifted before smiling tightly. "Say something."

Audrey stood, and crossed the room opening the pizza box. "Makes sense. That's actually a really well thought out, and selfless reason. Of course the only reason you need to not have kids is that you don't want em."

She put a piece of pizza in her mouth.

"But...you do?" He asked shakily.

She shrugged. "I dunno. I don't care right now. But I think maybe one day I may wake up and desperately want one, or something. But...I just want you."

"For now. And then later you'll want a soft skulled nuisance," he added. "And we'll fight."

"Well you're getting up there I doubt you'd be able to impregnate me anyway, by the time I want one."

He narrowed his eyes. "Is this? Okay, since you're an infant, let me help: Before this was called negging it was reverse psychology and before you did it, my father did it to convince a 7 year old me that I wanted to shave my head so he could see himself in the reflection of my scalp and laugh."

Alexander smiled ruefully. "And by the way, this was on Christmas which was the only time I saw home for more two hours and I got pneumonia. So you see...why I'm not big on the whole parenting thing?"

"Cruel and usual like the shape of your head," she remarked, sitting on his lap and hugging him with a pat on his back.

"Okay lay off my head," he sighed, stroking her back with his fingers. "You know I'm only here for lunch."

She nodded, nuzzling her nose into his neck. "Your dad shouldn't have done that."

"Ah...it's okay. I was a bad kid—"

"No. No you weren't. And...no kid deserves that, least of all you. You weren't a bad kid. You had bad parents. But you turned out okay, I think." She kissed his head, walking away. "Leave the pizza. You have enough money to afford another."

Alexander sat with that moment. He couldn't move. He could suddenly understand the appeal of therapy. Holy shit. He wasn't a bad kid was he? And why hadn't he ever seen that?

"Audrey?"

She peeked out of the room, and sauntered up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'm here. You okay? Tired of work?"

He nodded. "I don't want to go back. I think it's because you're here. And I feel like...when I'm at work and you're here I just think to myself she could laughing and I don't what about. Or...she could eating and I'm not eating with her. Or she could be napping and I'm not there to be the little spoon."

"Why are you little spoon you're taller than me?"

"Because I was neglected as a child," he shrugged.

"Oh yeah," she patted his back.

Alexander tucked that in the back of his mind for future reference.

"I could go to work with you."

He perked up. "Hm?"

"I'm going stir crazy in here. If we worked together, we could share those moment's together, and when you get tired of me, I'll go home for like a week but I want to work. I want to do my work. But just...like next to you."

He smiled, and cupped her face. "Hey? I love that."

She rolled her eyes. "Look at you so comfortable with love now."

"You remember when I said that I would never improve myself because I have money?"

"Yeah."

"Now I have you. And you're way more valuable to me than money. So I guess...money just wasn't worth enough to change," he kissed her head, holding her close.

"Are you going back to work?"

He shook his head. "Not right now. I have somewhere else I'd rather be."