Dearest - truly flung out of space

08 - Maybe there still is hope?

The weeks pass by in a blur. Carol and I haven't had much contact. I've been occupied with work and university classes and mainly spend my days either in front of my desk or the restaurant. It was tiring, but eventually, it would all pay out. At least I hoped so.

I started to save money to take my drivers license. I feel like it would be an improvement if I had a way to drive around.
Sure, it would take a while, but I was willing to do it. I'd do everything to reach my goals.

Amelia and I are sitting in a bar. I'm finally meeting her new boyfriend, Mark. He orders us some drinks and we start to talk. Amelia sits next to me with a big smile on her face. She's happy, relieved even. Mark really is a nice guy. He tells me about his job at an engineering company and how his parents are pilots. He's perfect for Amelia. Whenever he looks at her, he has this loving stare. His eyes seem to shine whenever she enters the room. He's a real gentleman. My best friend finally found The One. I'm happy for her. She deserves to be happy, but I can't help but be sad about my romantic life. I wished for the same things. I wanted to find love, too. After all the heartbreaks, I feel like I deserve it.

"Y/N, are you okay? Mark has been asking you a question like 10 times now," Amelia suddenly says. She pulls me out of my day dreaming, bringing me back into the painful reality. I shake my head, trying to sort my thoughts.
"Sorry," I mumble and scratch my neck, "Sorry Mark. I was somewhere else with my thoughts."
Mark just chuckles and repeats his question for the 11th time.
We continue to talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Mark really is good company. But no matter how hard I try to enjoy the conversation, I can't stop thinking about Carol.
I soon decide to excuse myself from this social interaction.

After arriving at home, I decide to watch a Netflix show to calm my nerves down but I can't concentrate at all. My thoughts drift off to Carol. What is she doing right now? Is she okay? We haven't talked in a while. I hope the divorce is going her way. I hope nothing will stand in her way so she has as little complications as possible. I wish there was a way for me to support her.

I can't deal with this uncertainty anymore and so I decide to text her.

Y/N
Dear Carol,
How are you? I don't want to be annoying but I was wondering how everything is going. I know I practically have no right to ask because it's none of my business but I just wanted to know how you're coping with everything. I'm sorry if I'm going too far or crossing any boundaries.
Y/N x

Happy and relieved with myself, I sent the message.
I get ready for bed but yet, I can't calm my mind down. I wonder about what being in love feels like. I always imagined it to be this fuzzy feeling with butterflies in your stomach. I always imagined the heart to stumble when I see that person or how my face is adorned with a big smile. But wait. Isn't that how I feel about Carol? Whenever I see her, I smile. The sound of her voice is like music to my ears. I could even recognize the smell of her perfume in a big crowd.

Am I in love with Carol Aird? Oh god, please not. What a pathetic idea to think that Carol might even reciprocate these feelings. I don't even know how to say it. I feel so much for Carol, most of it being joy, care and affection. I wish to be someone who she can turn to whenever she feels lonely or lost. I want to be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry. But then, she is a woman. How can I have these feelings for a woman when I only like men? Or don't I? I've been crushing on men all the time. The fact that the crushes were never reciprocated, will not be taken into account now.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone. It's a message from Carol. I find myself smiling at my phone. God, that's so embarrassing. Carol is more than 20 years older than me. She could easily be my mother.
With a racing heart I open her message.

Carol Aird
Hello dear,
how nice of you to reach out to me. Yes, I'm okay. It's a lot right now but I'm trying to cope as best as I can. Harge of course isn't impressed and he has been showing me the cold shoulder lately. The only thing I have left is Rindy. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would have the courage to get through this.
Enough about me. How are you? How's uni and how is work?
I hope to hear from you soon
Carol x

Somehow, her text breaks my heart. She must be so tired of fighting. I wish I could do something for her.
Without thinking, I text her back.

Y/N
Hello Carol,
I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I really wish I wasn't so useless. Please keep fighting. I'm here for you if you need something. I'm sending you strength.
University is okay. The majority of my classes are boring but hey, I chose to do this degree, right? Work has been stressful lately. Our new trainee is not doing so well and my boss has been super pissed about it. He's been taking out his anger on us. Actually, I even thought about quitting but I need the money.
All the best,
Y/N

I tell her about how unhappy I am at work. Not even Amelia knows about that as I try to hide it from her as best as I can. She doesn't need to know that I'm struggling. I know that she's concerned about me and that she would do everything she could to help but I have to figure it out myself. Somehow, talking to Carol about all of these problems seems to be much more helpful. I feel like my concerns and my worries are safe when I talk to her. It feels like she understands me even if I would say nothing. It amazes me how she became such an important person in such a short time span. Considering the fact that I know nothing about her, I tell her a lot about me. And whenever I tell her something about me I feel like she genuinely is interested.

Carol Aird
Oh dear, that doesn't sound so good. I'm very sorry to hear about how you are struggling. But believe me, it will get better. You're such a great young waitress and the restaurant would be a fool to not recognize this.

As for your offer, thank you so much, dear. It really does mean a lot. You're so kind to me. I honestly don't know how I deserve this.
I have to go, I'm sorry. I hope you have a good evening.
Goodbye dear x

She's asking about how she deserves me? Is she kidding me? I am the one who doesn't deserve HER. I want to text her again but she herself said that she has to go. I don't want to bother her more than I should.

Deep down I'm kind of wishing that she is thinking about me. I wish for her to miss me just like I miss her. I wish for her to check her phone in the mornings or smile at my message just like I do with hers. I know that the idea is absolutely pathetic but I wish for nothing more.

I should definitely talk to Amelia about my feelings.

Carol Aird, what do I want to tell you?