hope your life leads you back to my door » l.s.

ten: golden and bright

The planes of Louis' back felt smooth to the touch as Harry traced his finger up and down his skin. He didn't stir from his sleep, but rather curled up more and sniffled endearingly. Harry smiled, turning over so he was on his back before pulling the covers up because he was starting to get cold. He had put on his pants but needed more, so he scooted closer to Louis. His shuffling around soon woke Louis up, who turned to face him, blinking blearily at Harry.

"Hi," Harry whispered.

Louis' lips formed a slow, lazy smile. He watched Harry for a moment before saying, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

It was sudden, especially considering Harry had expected a charming "good morning" or a smug "hey." Certainly not an "I love you," something that was too loaded for a morning greeting. Despite that, Louis looked so open and so honest, it nearly broke Harry's heart rather than filling it with joy. It was a bittersweet feeling; while a part of him wanted to share that same sentiment, another part of him didn't. It wasn't realistic. Even if they loved each other, nothing could come of it because Louis was always going to leave. It was a fact neither could really deny, taking into account what they both did for a living.

But, Harry wanted to be honest with him. He deserved that much. "I think I'm falling in love with you, too," Harry whispered back.

Louis pulled Harry closer to his chest and Harry noted how at ease Louis looked. Like he wasn't worried or scared at all.

"You know, I've always thought of 'I love you' as being the beginning of something," Harry told him quietly, his eyes fluttering shut as Louis stroked his arms. "When you say 'I love you,' you have to make sure you mean it otherwise it's meaningless. Because when you say 'I love you,' it's the beginning of something. It's not 'the end, they lived happily ever after.'"

When Harry opened his eyes, Louis was looking back at him, and he knew Louis understood where he was going with this. His gaze became a touch guarded and he shook his head. "I don't want to talk about this right now. Let's not talk about it."

"Louis, we have to," Harry urged. "If you don't want to talk about it, then I have to go."

"No," Louis shook his head again. "Why do you wanna leave?"

"Because I'm an average guy, Louis. I want average things from life, and we're too different for this to work."

"Don't say that," Louis frowned, shaking his head.

"Okay, then fine," Harry said, his voice breaking. "Don't go to Amsterdam for your show. Don't take this job that you've wanted all your life and worked for all these years. Don't travel, because I can't go with you. I've got everything rooted at home — my parents, my job, my friends. I can't leave. But asking all of that from you...that's not fair, is it?"

Louis just stared at him, his expression pained and conflicted.

Harry wiped at his face roughly, feeling his eyes sting from oncoming tears. "If we were to be fair," he continued. "Then maybe you could take the job. You could see me twice, maybe three times, a year. But if we do that, then you can't mess around with anyone else. I need to know we're committed to each other. And then maybe after a few years, you can move back home and we'll take it from there, yeah?"

"Harry...," Louis trailed off, closing his eyes.

"I know," Harry said to him, moving closer to wrap his arms tightly around him. "I understand. I know you, Louis. I know what you want, what your dreams are, which is why we can't do this. We should end this now while we still can."

With bloodshot eyes, Louis blinked back what looked like tears, the conflicting emotions clear on his face. He shook his head, like that was all he knew how to do, and hid his face in Harry's neck, breathing him in.