Hate is a strong word, sure, but it's the perfect word to describe how I feel towards him. My husband, the one that's supposed to be the love of my life, has slowly become my worst enemy.
It's not because of his downright stubbornness, or how he just refuses to be a good father for our ten year old daughter. I've gotten used to that. It's his cheating, his obvious lies. He thinks he's so slick, coming home late with a new scent of perfume and lipstick smeared on his neck. I wish I could say I didn't see it coming, though. He's made it fairly obvious why he's cheating.
We got married in 1950, I was 24 at the time and he was 26. I was an aspiring dancer, a performer. I never really made my big debut like I had hoped, so I gave up after a while. He never supported my dancing career anyways. I became a teacher at a private, all-girls Catholic school and had Cynthia in 1959. Ever since her, he's been acting differently, and now that I'm 4 months in with our next, he's started cheating. How do I know? They write letters to each other almost everyday. He thinks he's hiding them well; he's not. Under the bed sheets and mattress isn't quite a smart move. He also goes out almost every night, and I'm certain it's to meet up with her. I'm so tired of pretending to act like it doesn't bother me, like I'm completely oblivious to it all. I'm not stupid.
He's also been making remarks about my looks and what not for a while. 'You're not the woman I married' he claims, 'you look like an old hag', you get the idea. I don't understand, I'm not 20 anymore, and he's no younger than me. If he truly loved me, why would it matter if I aged?
He's made me feel insecure, hurt, and spiteful all at once. I never thought I'd ever be so angry at anyone, let alone my own husband. Recently, I've had these... thoughts. Thoughts I know I shouldn't be having, but it's been clawing at me. And if I'm being honest, it doesn't sound too bad. I want to make him and his little mistress feel the same pain I feel, and this will ensure it. He's my husband and only mine, and if I can't have him, no one will.
