Safe and Sound: The Short Memoir

Chapter 3: The Void

I twisted all my truths for them. Just so I could have some privacy in life. Holding back my words and self, just so I could live a peaceful life. This was taken away from me by everyone I know. To protect myself, I've had to burn the growing flower of my identity, just so I could be safe. To erase all of who I am and live an untruthful lie so I could be left alone. There's no easy way to describe the way I feel, but I feel trapped in the void. Surrounded by absolutely nothing but insecurities and hatred. An empty space with everyone's thoughts, opinions and disgust for who I am, yet no one is here to keep me company. I feel alone, and no matter how hard I try to escape this feeling and cage, I can never truly escape. I have a burning hatred for the way that I'm perceived and treated by everyone around me, yet no one seems to take that into consideration. It harms me every time and I want to cry every day. I hate who I have become.

When I was in the closet, I had to deal with people constantly harassing me and speculating about my sexuality. I kept denying the rumours and anyone who would ask me because I was scared of how I was going to get treated. At the time, I was still figuring out who I was. In all honesty, I didn't want to be. I had crushes on two guys, but I thought maybe it was just a phase. Maybe I just haven't met the right girl. I didn't want to date any of the girls in my class because they were all pretty much my best friends. I thought they were all pretty and beautiful but not in the way I thought guys were.

    I was labelled as gay my whole life. Even when I didn't know what it meant or that I would later identify as that. Words can't describe how much that hurts me. People were so quick to judge and label me. Everyone I knew would always ask me whether or not I was gay, and I said I wasn't. You'd think that would be the end, but it wasn't. Those same questions kept being asked, and I'd have to deny them. Deny and deny. No matter what I said or did, I was that gay kid. No one allowed me to figure that out on my own. I knew I was different by then, but I didn't know what that meant. It was hard to explore my sexuality like I wasn't allowed to be anything but gay. I felt angry. It was unfair. They were taking away my journey of self-discovery. They were able to walk down their own path and figure out who they were, but it was like they blocked mine so I couldn't. It was like they had already decided mine for me. My road to self-discovery was cut short and already completed, but not by me. I still kept denying who I was because I was just so angry and at that point, I was beginning to understand how queer people are often treated. Who would ever want to be gay? 'Cause I sure as hell didn't want to be.

    These questions and feelings wouldn't go away. I was hurting, angry, and in denial. That was when I had enough. Eighth grade began and I tried to become this scary, dark, and sad individual to make my classmates afraid of me. I thought, If I could scare them and instill fear into them, they would talk about how scary and dark I am, instead of my sexuality, which I had more of an idea of who I was, but ultimately was still figuring it out. This didn't end so well as I lost a ton of friends and people were actually scared of me, but the questions surrounding my sexuality still didn't stop. I just wanted it to stop. For people to just leave me be and let me worry about who I really was.

    Fast forward a year later, It was 2019 and I had begun to change who I was. I felt it was time to put everything behind me and become a better person overall. Apologizing to people who I wasn't on good terms with and trying everything I could to fix myself up. Finally, the moment that everyone was waiting for. End of November, I came out. Came out of hiding because I danced with a boy at our school dance. Everyone Watched and everyone surrounded us. Didn't even give us any privacy. I became the talk of the school and realized that maybe it was time. I knew I just didn't feel anything towards girls and only towards the  guys. So I came out and came out on my terms. I came out the way I wanted to then. They weren't going to take any more special moments from me. Soon enough, things died down and those questions faded away into dust. Being a queer person who was out and "proud" was amazing. I felt free and lighter. I was finally on a better path, but of course, everything comes with a price.