Safe and Sound: The Short Memoir

Chapter 4: Eyes Open

I walk through this cloudy and cold forest all alone. The shadows that haunted me have left. Surrounded by the leafless trees and the brownish-gray leaves that fell to the ground. I walk slowly, placing one foot in front of the other. The silent calmness of nothing but the aftermath of a forest fire. It's never felt so dead and quiet. My sandy blonde coloured hair flows softly as I walk through the remains. Everything I've had to endure is over now. This war that carried on in my head, has died down. The damage is done, and yet I still continue to walk through my forest. Nothing to walk home to, only forward through this empty abandoned nowhere that I once played in. Grew up in. My thoughts keep me company while I walk through. Jacketless, I walk alone. The clear whiteness of my sky with gray clouds. I close my eyes.

For months, It felt like I was walking over a glass bridge that I needed to cross to get to the other side. This bridge was about to shatter and break because it can't support this weight of mine I can't seem to lose. I could see rock bottom and the familiarity gave me fear. I've been down there before. It's a long cautious walk I have to go through. It hasn't been easy. I've had to experience the traumatizing day my mother suffered a heart attack. Having to be in the car while it happened, having to call 911, the fear of losing someone I cared for so deeply. Worrying about my family's physical and mental health. I've had to endure months of discrimination and harassment almost everywhere I walk because of who I am, the loneliness I feel because I'm not worthy of being loved. The anxiety I suffer from daily and the struggle of trying to water down my ongoing forest fire that keeps being ignited. I don't know how long I can keep putting it out.

I want to die. It would be easier on everyone if I did, wouldn't it be? It would be easy for me at least. There, I said it. It pains me to say this, but it's the honest truth. I feel Angry. I feel resentment towards myself and it hurts like a thousand papercuts. All I want to do is live a truthful life where I can be who I am and not have to fear every day of the hatred inside everyone's heart. The disgust for my lifestyle and who I love. To no longer be hurt and mistreated. I want to feel complete and whole, but instead, I feel wrong. I long for that day when I no longer have to feel this, and yet it feels like it'll never come. So I keep walking through this forest, hoping to finally reach the end. It hurts looking at all these trees and flowers I tried so hard to keep growing, dying in an instant.

This trauma and suffering suddenly shows up again. Chains grip my ankles and are dragging me across the dead, colourless leaves on the ground. Pulling me down into this navy blue, freezing cold ocean. I try to grab something, anything to keep me from sinking further but I'm not strong enough against the strong gravitational pull it has on me. I wish someone was here, wished someone held out their hand, but no one does. I seemed to have lost my one chance to keep it all together. My strength wasn't strong enough to keep me from submerging under this water. I don't want to suffer but I just don't have it in me to keep fighting the currents. Why bother keeping my head above water.

I'm losing my breath as these chains pull me further into the dark. Reaching the bottom of this water. There comes a point where you begin to feel numb and the relieving thoughts of no longer having to deal with these struggles fill up my mind. At least I tried right? Using the one last breath that's in my lungs, I tried to save myself.

I try so hard to be liked by everyone, to make sure that they are okay. Always trying to be there for everyone, and yet it felt like no one was there for me. I had my family, but I didn't want to become a burden to them. They were suffering just as much as me. They have so much potential, and I feel like I don't. My anxiety also makes sure of that.

I have been through so much, and have tried so hard to deal with it, but It feels like things just keep piling more and more onto my shoulders. I just can't take this heavy weight anymore. I don't want to constantly feel like this anymore. Aching in pain. I feel it underwater. Feeling after months of confusion and numbness.