(Listen to the song to the complete end😜)
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JåyLen's Di@ry:
What is love? Most people would look it up on google, and I can't blame them. I grew up with a dad that was around, but wasn't really there. I don't know a thing about love. I don't know how to love properly. Not without making problems, not without feeling like I don't deserve it. I'm too afraid to love. I've never known how to love. I've never seen healthy love, and when I get a chance at it, I fuck it up. I want this to work. I want this to be my first and last 'relationship'. I want to be with Kavari, I see myself being happy with him. I want to understand myself and these feelings. These feelings that make my heart race. I feel relief when I see him after a long day. I melt when I hear his voice.
If I could love Kavari the right way, I would. And trust me, I barely know my own feelings. I barely know how to understand myself. I'm stuck between protecting myself, or loving someone that's trying to protect me. Kavari could break me, and I hate to admit it. I know Gabby wanted Kavari, but I don't think she would get close to me just for him. I know Kavari wants to protect me and I'm not mad at him about it. I'm mad because he thinks I can't protect myself. Because he thinks I'm incapable of being strong.
I don't feel like arguing. I'm starting to feel like love doesn't care about me, and I don't care about love.
But I do care, because I care about Kavari.
I care about Kavari more than anything in this universe.
I would jump in front of a bear for him and if you've seen Grey's Anatomy, you get it.
If anyone has ever fallen in love, you understand. I can't though. Because I don't know how to be loved. I can't be loved without having a feeling that something bad is coming. Something that could break me in the matter of seconds.
He's right, I can't admit I love him. And it's so hard to just stand by and act as if I don't. Kavari is important to me. And yes, I have strong feelings for him. I don't want to admit those strong feelings, once I admit anything, that means it has a chance of blowing up in my face. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to hurt Kavari. He's the first ever person I've had such strong feelings for.
In every possible situation of me loving anyone, it messes up.
And once it messes up, I can't figure out how to fix it.
Well, there's a first time for everything right?
Sincerely,
Jiang
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CAUGHT UP BXB
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