Chapter 44

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you'll know when to play it ^^ I definitely recommend it.

Harry Styles

I've always been able to feel when something was about to go wrong.

I don't know why, or how, but ever since I was a kid I could feel the days where my mom and dad would fight, the days where my sister would be worse than she already was, and the day when I almost ended my life. Or tried to, without even trying.

There has always been this pressure at the front of my mind, like I could anticipate whatever I was going to experience but didn't know when. The last time I felt one was the day of the escape room, after almost 5 years of not.

It was a strange but known feeling, and I was right, because that night everything went wrong.

Today, something is about to go wrong also.

I don't know what, but when I woke up this morning there was this strange feeling inside of me, one I have come in terms to associate to some of the worst or most confusing days of my life, or simply to some days where all my mind would ask would be what the fuck. Or what the fuck happend, or why the fuck happend, or what the fuck will happen next.

Simple questions, yet no true answers. There never are.

I stop my daily 50 push ups, sitting up to grab my bottle of water. I have a room in my house with all my gym equipment, the one I've been using since I joined Ryan's team because apparently I was a bit too skinny and needed to gain some weight to get in form.

Imagine how I felt hearing that after struggling with an eating disorder.

Now I train every single day until my limbs give out, and even though I'm still skinny because let's face it I'm relapsing every two weeks I guess I gained some muscles.

Let's not talk about that though. Maybe another day.

I grab my towel and wrap it around the back of my neck. I'm sweating like crazy, so I make my way towards the shower.

Once in the bathroom, I place the towel down and I look in the mirror. Staring at my full body, I don't know how I feel.

It's a strange sort of thought that runs through my mind that I'll never be able to understand.

I dart my eyes away, and they focus on the few things I bought for Brooke behind the shower glass door.

I'm seeing her this afternoon, we're meeting up to actually do the project.

After the last night I spent with her, she started feeling way better, so I've decided to give her some space because I don't want her to feel like I'm suffocating her, even though she was the one that called me. But every once in a while we need a break from people to just focus on ourselves.

It's only been two days though, and we've spoken by text so It's not like we stopped having contact at all, you know what I mean?

And plus,she needed time alone to sort herself out, maybe not the first days, but she definitely needed to understand herself, and you're not able to do that in the company of other because they just overshadow you.

I stand under the cold water, feeling every ounce of my body complain. Once I'm done, I check the time, realizing I've spent too long in the shower. Now I only have 20 minutes to get to Brooke's house.

I get dressed with a supreme sweater I had forgotten on the back of my closet, and some dark jeans. It's pretty chilly outside.

I grab everything to leave, and I head to my car. I stretch my neck as I sit down, feeling a strange pressure that's making me feel bad. 

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