(3 years ago)
When i met him, it seemed as everything fit perfectly again. the sun rose perfectly to lay on his cheek every morning through the window. the moonlight would shine on his back. and i would be there, curled underneath his arm.
i never imagined my life would be where it is, with him, everyday.
i never imagined i'd be getting married to harry styles.
i remember when we picked out our first home. how we made sure we loved the lighting in each room. how we made sure our life would fit in each corner of this house. how the back corner room would be his music studio, it was all set up, and the guys (at the time being still in one direction) would be over often. the first room on the right would be ours, and there was a small room on the left that we smiled at each other and nodded, it would be a perfect nursery room for one day.
i can't help but smile sitting here as taylor does my hair, "it's going to look perfect caroline." she smiles. i grin up at her and nod, "yeah everything will be perfect!" i say.
"of course it will be" maddy , my sister says as she's getting her makeup done, "it's you and harry. it's always perfect!" and i roll my eyes. we're far from perfect. but there's so much love.
"is niall going to make it in time?" i ask closing my eyes as more pieces of my hair get curled.
"yep! his flight landed an hour ago." taylor says and i nod, "good. the best man/ bridesman can not miss the wedding." i say and they laugh.
Niall and I have been best friends for years. It's how harry and i met. he says it all the time, he created the couple of the year. it's now been 2 years and here we are, on our wedding day.
there's a soft knock at the door and taylor says in almost a shout, "yeah??" and there's a voice at the door saying "can we come in?" and i smile turning in my chair when she answers back for them to come in. i see the tips of his blonde hair, what's left in it, peaking in first and niall walks fully in.
"hi!" i gleam and jump up giving him a hug, "careful with my hair taylor will kill you!" i whisper in his shoulder hugging him tight.
he lets out a hard laugh, "course babe! wouldn't want to mess this up!" he gleams. i lean back and smile at him before hugging him again.
he's on tour right now, it's hard to see him. hard to see any of them.
"okay i just came to say hi , grab a mimosa-" he says picking one up and taylor glares at him, "- and now i'm gonna go see the lads and get ready. see you out there!" he says and kisses my cheek and winks towards taylor.
i turn around and sit back down in the chair. taylor continues to fix my hair and then my make up gets done. a few other bridesmaids finished their hair and make up and was already in their dresses.
"okay babes let's get you dressed!" taylor gleams next to me and i smile and shakily, why am i shaking, got up.
"don't be nervous.." taylor whispers as she helps me into my dress, "..it's just harry" she finishes.
just harry, i almost scoff out loud because he's not just harry. he's everything.
my dress gets zipped up and the vail placed in my hair and my dad is standing there waiting for me. he smiles and tears brim his eyes, "don't cry! i'll cry!" i shout at him and he laughs handing me my bouquet of white lilly's.
"let's get you married." he says and i let out a breath.
the bridesmaids and groomsmen all walk out first and then there's a shift in the atmosphere. the music changes. the chatter stops and everyone's gaze turns towards the wooden doors opening up to show me standing there.
and he's there, smiling, with tears falling down his face and yeah, it's absolutely perfect.
Present time
i remember our wedding day like the back of my hand. kate's asked me a few questions but i can't get myself to have this conversation. not when i can see our wedding day and the way he looked at me like i was the sun and the moon.
we're walking out of the therapists office when harry tried to grab my hand but i jerked it away, "baby please" he sighs and his eyes are red from crying though todays session.
i didn't cry. i have so much anger in me i can barely breathe sometimes. i feel like it's going to suffocate me at times. i wake myself up trying to catch my breath, like i was in a fire and the smoke was suffocating me.
"are you hungry?" he asks, in a gentle voice. some days i almost want to reach out and hug him and say, you're trying i see that. but then the anger burns those thoughts away. like i wrote them down in a piece of paper and tossed them into a blazing fire, and walked away.
"no." i say and start walking to the car. he follows behind me and i walk out in the rain getting in the passenger seat.
he gets in a few seconds behind me and doesn't start the car.
"caroline i-" he says and i close my eyes leaning against the window. if i close my eyes tight enough i can still see us there, standing at the alter, sharing our love and vows to our friends and family. i can almost see the happiness and love he had towards me. but then he says it.
"i'll give you the divorce. i just, i can't keep doing this.. it's killing me." he says and a tear slips out of my eye.
and i realized, i have sat with anger so much, for so long. so long that she finally told me-
"i'll love you forever, but it still doesn't seem long enough. i promise to always find you in every lifetime." harry says choking up on his vows
- that her real name is grief.
after the realization and his words and the cheating, i open the door getting out in the rain and throw up in a bush. he's quick to follow and grab my hair.
i don't know if it's the rain or tears falling down my face.
