a beautiful lie (continued/ original by winternightz)

I Shouldve Known

A week and a bit passed, today marked my second week of working under Romans rules. Things haven't gotten any easier, no matter how many times I went to work for these men it always ended in me collapsing back through the doors to my room, alcohol in hand. I had brought in a few new top paying customers, meaning I had no clue wether it would be Georg waiting for me behind the door, or a different man, who wanted to strip me off all remaining innocence.

After me and the girls snuck out they haven't visited me. Star and Vive think I'm reckless, and Lotty thinks I'm a vicious monster. Ive searched practically the whole mansion for them yet I cant seem to find them. I want to apologise to them all, especially to Lotty. Without them around everything is quiet and lonely, and I don't feel as safe as I did when we were friends.

Roman hasn't been any better to me, if anything the way he treats me has gotten worse. I can see that with every day that goes by without me fucking up, he desires to hurt me more and more. And every night, he bangs on my door and comes to stroke my face before leaving an empty needle on the night stand. Im not sure if its the one he used on me the first time he ever injected me, or if its one he used on one of the other girls.

Kristina and Angel have been worse too, for some strange reason they've been spending every waking moment together, and I can see Kristina's horrible ways rubbing off onto Angel. It hurts to see Angel acting the same way as Kristina, and in a way I blame myself, as I haven't spoken to her or even given her much appreciation.

The smell of Toms cologne has started fading off of his t-shirt and my will to live has started to fade with it. Georg hasn't booked me at all since I met with Tom, and its finally starting to hit me that maybe the only reason he made Tom go in was to make me believe something good was going to happen just to take it away from me, Im guessing as some kind of punishment for all of the trouble I caused for them. And I'm not going to lie, the pain that brings me is unbearable, I get that I made Tom and his gang have to go into hiding and I almost made Tom end his life but I don't deserve to have the only thing that distracted me from the men ripped away.

I cant stop thinking about how life might've been if I hadn't decided to move in with Ria. She might be alive and I wouldn't be riddled with trauma or having to live in a predators mansion. I still don't call this place home. I never will, all this place has bought me is more pain and heartbreak.

Im trying to let myself settle in a bit, but no matter how long i stay here, I don't think ill ever wake up and recognise where I am. And yes ill admit, the room is nice, I mean really nice, its well planned out and decorated down to the very last detail. All of the furniture is Dark oak, and any fabric, chair, curtain and bed sheet is a dark blood red. Theres a huge window with a balcony, and on the balcony theres a round coffee table with a chair and an ashtray, theres a few potted plants and theres ivy wrapped around the bannister. But the window leading to it has been locked and the keys are most likely on the keychain Roman carries with him.

Ive grown to learn that no one actually cares if I light up a cigarette in my room and have a few drinks, I discovered this when my door came flying open in the middle of the night, and Angel had come in to update me on the new schedules for the bar shifts, but when she came in to find me scrambling to throw the bottle and put out the cig she reassured me and told me most of the girls do what I do and Roman couldn't give two shits she told me that theres a cabinet in the wine cellar with fresh packs of cigarettes and cigars, she said Roman worries that if we buy them ourselves someone might lace them 'ruining Romans products' as in us girls.

After that night the only time anyone saw me exiting my room was to go down to the wine cellar, grabbing a pack of cigs and a bottle of alcohol then going back to my room.
The days have started to blend together and Im actually quite disappointed in myself for letting any remains of Taylor left in me disappear. But the last thing I need right now is more abuse from Roman, and bringing Taylor back out would cause all hell to break loose. So for now I am Crimson and theres actually nothing I can do about it. When I was with Toms gang, there obviously wasn't any guards, making my hopes of escaping a lot easier, but here there are guards waiting at every corner, and they're always two steps ahead. Yet no matter how hard I try, when I start to feel uncomfortable a part of me still screams at me to run away and fight with everything I have in me to get out.