a beautiful lie (continued/ original by winternightz)

The Guilt

The boys unload a few duffle bags of clothes from their cars while I sit at the breakfast bar with a cup of tea, thinking about everything thats happened over the course of the past two days.
I feel so overwhelmed with different emotions, confusion, rage, devastation, heartbreak and excitement.

"Could've made me one" Gustav says as he collapses into the bar stool rolling his eyes
"Will I ever be able to catch a break?" I snap back while slamming the mug onto the counter and getting up to re heat the kettle
"Nah, probably not" I shoot him a dirty look and turn back around, grabbing a tea bag and a spoon. The others come to join us as well, all exhausted and groggy. They stare at me as I grab another cup

"What? You guys want one as well?"  I grunt and get three extra cups
"Thank you love" Tom says, I roll my eyes at him in a joking way and hand them their teas
"Have you all finished unpacking?" I ask hoping to make a conversation
"Yeah, this place is huge though! almost got lost" Everyone laughs at Georg's stupidity and Bill makes a huashhuash sound from burning his tongue
"Bill you need to let it cool down for fucks sake" I laugh at him and he gives me a sarcastic smile
"Thanks Taylor. Didn't know that."
"Wow! No need for the sarcasm"
"So sorry Taylor! Next time Ill get down on my knees and praise you." Ill admit, even though I'm not in the best mood, Bill does a good job at cheering me up.

I finish my tea and put it in the sink in the hopes that someone else will do the washing up.
"Im gona go get in the shower, someone please clean up, we cant wreck the place as soon as we get here" all the boys look at Gustav and he bangs his fist on the counter.

I walk up the shiny winding stairs and down the hallway to the shower, there are fresh towels hanging up by the bath so I grab one and put it on the floor outside the glass shower door. I fiddle around with the buttons for a while, trying to figure out how on earth I'm supposed to turn this thing on. After a good five minutes of struggling I poke my head out the door and call down the stairs to Tom

"TOM COME HERE! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN THIS ON"
I hear him say something, probably about my stupidity before I hear his barstool scrape on the floor.
"COMING!" he shouts back. His footsteps echo through the house and he comes in to find me sitting on the floor, my face red from embarrassment
"Right, so this button turns the actual shower head on" he points up "That one there, and this one turns the ceiling one on" as he's explaining all the buttons, I cant help but get distracted by his veiny hands as he points and makes gestures to all the different parts of the bathroom. I look at his face and I cant help but admire him, his sharp jaw, his lips, his eyes.

"got it?" he asks
"Yeah, thank you" I didn't get the last parts whatsoever as I got too lost staring at him
"Alright, Im gonna go back downstairs, but if you need me just shout" He leaves the room and nods to me before closing the hefty door leaving me in the shower on my own. I was kinda hoping he'd join me, but I guess I need some time on my own to process everything.

I press one of the buttons that I did hear him talking about and just like he said the ceiling shower turned on. I got in and picked up a bottle of 3 in 1 mens shampoo, conditioner and body wash. What the fuck? Nice to see they considered that I might like some products for myself, but whatever. I squirt a bit of the stuff in my hands and sniff it before even considering putting it anywhere near my hair, it smells like men. I contemplate it for a while but eventually I decide to just get over it and use it. I massage it into my scalp and spread it down to the end of my hair. My hairs a lot thinner then it used to be, quite a lot of it fell out over the past few years from unhealthy eating habits and being thrown around by my hair a lot of the time.

I grab one of the razors from the wall seat and rub the 3 in 1 shit on my legs and shave away any hair that had grown over the past three days, which was a lot. I then shave my armpits and my bikini line. Then I stand under the water for a while, letting the water wash the product out of my hair and once everything's been washed off I get out and wrap the towel around my body. I pick my clothes up and head to me and Toms room.

Instead of getting dressed I decided to flop onto the bed and just relax for a bit. The bed is even more comfortable then it looks, its soft but not too soft.
"Oh sorry, I was coming in to grab something I can leave if you want me to" I sit up and face the door to find Tom standing there half in the room and half out.
"Don't worry, I wanted to see you anyway" He closes the door and sits next to me

"How you feeling? After everything thats happened"
"Im" I pause, I want to tell him how I really feel but I cant put it into words "Im okay"
"But you're not though" I look at him to find him already staring at me
"Im just confused, and upset" He puts his hand on my back and rubs it
"I know. Im sorry. If theres anything I could've done to stop that all just know I would've done everything in my power to save those girls." I nod trying my best not to tear up
"Who were they to you?"
"uhm" I feel tears well up in my eyes

"they were my friends. I guess. They were nice, and kind. Probably the only decent people there. But a day or two before they were uh" I cant even bring myself to say that they're dead "we kinda fell out. We got drunk, and two of them didn't want to come into the town with me and Lotty" I start to cry
"The girls argued and two of them left, and when me and Lotty were in town I went off on someone. I think she got scared of me so she stopped coming to see me." Tom wrapped his arms around me and we sat in silence for a while. But not awkward silence, more of a comfortable one.

"I loved them more then anything in this world. And now they're dead. Because of me."

"Its hard loosing friends to death. And I know that."
"Does it ever stop hurting?" I ask
"No, you just make room for it." I sobbed into his chest and he rubbed circles on my back
"How about we take your mind off of it hm?" I nod and he takes out a brand new bikini from his duffle bag and puts it on the bed
"We'll all be waiting downstairs, just come whenever your ready" He kisses my forehead and leaves me to be swallowed by my thoughts