Fuck cancer

5.

"The color suits you great", she said while giving me the brightest smile her tired body allowed her to. I witnessed how weak, raspy and croaking her voice sounded like, and it headed straight to my heart where it left a big and deep hole.

My parents warned me not to visit her, but there was no way I would stay away from her and just let her leave without spending as much time with my beautiful angel before heaven calls her in.

No fucking way.

I would appreciate and use every damn second I had left with her, no matter the cost.

"Thank you. I thought you might like the hoodie. For my part, I absolutely love it- and it's even red."

Her eyes lit up for a few seconds, before they became all clouded and foggy, and got this far away look she always had when upset our in thoughts.

"Yeah."

Sadness covered her face and turned into the major expression.

"It's gorgeous. Red reminds me of the beauty in nature like roses, or ladybugs crawling up my legs. Or the sky, just before the sun finally sets and leaves the world for us to make place for the moon and the stars. Do you remember that time we sat at the beach together and stared into the sky all evening, telling each other those crazy stories no one would believe?"

"Of course I do, how could I ever forget! And you went cold, because you forgot to bring your stupid jacket!"

"But you lent me yours"

She tried to sit up straight, but immediately fell back on the couch.

"Wait, let me help you."

I headed over to her side and pulled her up.

She looked at me with an intense stare, before letting go of my arms.

She got out of the hospital, but only for two days. She would have to go back for another check-up on Monday.

"I named them"

"What?"

"Those."

She slowly rose her arm and pointed at the little robotic- water dispenser looking like machines you could sometimes find in a supermarket, one of them in blue, one of them in black

"They're for air or something, so I can breathe a little better. I need to plug this wire into my nose and fill these bottles with water that boiled about 10 minutes to kill bacteria. The water is supposed to make the air a bit wetter, so my nose doesn't dry out or something.
That's Alfred and over there, that's Gunnar. They're pretty ugly, but if they serve their purpose? Okay. But by giving them these silly and goofy names, they're only half as scary as before."

I followed her finger with my eyes and looked over to these machines, the blue one first, Gunnar was the other one.

"I think they're pretty cool, actually. Futuristic."

She just rose her shoulders to shrug. "Not really pretty, tho. I don't like them."

We both laughed a little, and hers didn't take long to crack and turn into a harsh coughing. Her pupils opened wide and the sound made me feel she was in real pain, a ton of it, but she didn't really had the impression on me like she truly was. But maybe she was just very good at hiding it so I wouldn't have worry too much- not if I wasn't already. The sound still made my stomach go crazy and I was concerned as hell.

"You okay?"

It took some time till the coughing stopped, but when it finally did, she nodded her head, while some of her beautiful blonde hair fell in front of her lovely blue eyes and framed her perfect face.

"All good."

Suddenly, she looked a lot more drained than before and she leaned back with closed eyes.

I could hear her rattling breathing. It reminded a bit of a broken chainsaw, but it didn't seem to bother her too much. Or she didn't even notice-

I hated seeing her like this.

Suffering.

"You look exhausted. Go and try to sleep a bit, I'll leave now."

She looked at me with her tired eyes. At first, she opened her mouth to contradict, but she quickly closed it again, since she knew better. It was the truth, and she needed to rest, even if I wanted to stay forever and never let her alone again.

Slowly, she laid back down.

Never not seeing her again, never not being by her side again.

I walked out of the room right after wrapping a warm and soft blanket around her skin, she said she was freezing.

It was hot in the room, over 25 degrees.

Just before I could close the door, her voice stopped me from doing so.

"It was nice seeing you. Thanks for visiting and thanks for the company. But don't forget to think of a name for this nameless air thingy."

I smiled back at her. It was a faint smile, full of sorrow.

I wondered how many times I could smile at her anymore.

If I could smile at her again.

Each day could be her last.

"Of course. It was good seeing you. Love ya"

She had already fallen asleep and I stopped to look at her fragile body for another few seconds, trying hard to memorize each centimeter of it. And I tried to burn her unconcerned smile into my brain.

And forget the sound her cough.