The Princess of Notre Dame

another chance to be brave

Quinley

When Quinley came to she felt the soft caress of a hand brushing over her hair. Her eyelids fluttered as a gentle breeze floated over her skin. Her eyes finally opened when a warm sunlight-like light landed on her face and then danced away chased out by the shade of a tree. Above her was the smiling and humming face of a woman whose presence she knew all too well. Below her, the freshly cut grass tickled her arms and the woman's sun dress cradled her head. In awe, Quinley barely managed to speak,

"Mother...?" She hesitantly started. Tears began to well in her eyes and followed a path down toward her ears. She hadn't felt God's light in ages and it was refreshing to be basking in it now. The woman smiled down at her reassuringly her eyes creasing in love.

"Yes, my child." God stroked her hair once more, "It has certainly been a while."

Quinley sat up in excitement, tears obstructing her vision, and hugged God. God reciprocated with a warm embrace and Quinley imagined that this is what a mother's hug must feel like. God patted Quinleys back and cooed sweet comforts into her ear. After a while, Quinley quieted down gaining control over her emotions again and she disengaged from the embrace. Looking at the woman who had comforted her in the past when no one else would she remembered the steel hitting her neck. And tears flowed once more.

"They killed me" She sobbed, "How could they do that?! They were supposed to be my family!" Her whole body was racked with the force of her emotions. The sadness turned anger curled into her fingertips and she wished for a brief moment for the bright glimmer of revenge. In her shaking, blind, and hazy rage God cradled her strom in Her arms. Letting her destroy that in her path, but not herself. The anger dissipated, not lasting long as it was born from a deep undying hurt.

"Why couldn't they love me?" she blubbered, "Was I just unlovable?" She wiped her sleeve over her nose and her eyes trying to get the rushing tears to stop.

"My love, my love, my love." God whispered to her, "That could never be the case."

For some time longer, they sat together neither of them speaking but an abundance of warmth seemed to tumble off of God, as though She was just overflowing with it. The surrounding area was bright and gleeful but empty. And seemingly endless, the fields, flowers, and beauty went on always. The rolling of hills stretched on forever and in that instant, it was only her and God and a big willow tree. And that was all she ever needed. She mulled it over how in her life she had never been satisfied with the love that those around her offered, never satisfied with God's love. Not her maids or Arthurs or that laughing merchant girl who had helped her. The love of strangers was astounding to her, these people didn't even know her. They had no obligation to give love as freely as they did, and yet they were kind. And she was filled with it, but it was never enough, not when those who should have, those she was born to didn't love her. It was all different now, now she was satisfied, now that she was dead. Her tears turned into a laugh at her own stupidity of not cherishing what bountiful love she did have.  She laughed uncontrollably becoming hysterical and God just let her feel it all. No judgment in God's gaze, but not nothing either, there was a deep understanding, like she had been through it too.

Hours, days, or years had passed before she quieted. It was hard to tell the passage of time here because nothing ever changed. And still, it was empty.

She separated from God seating herself against the tree. "Why is it empty here? Shouldn't Heaven be brimming with people?"

God kept Her gaze on Quinley, "Well that's easy my love, we aren't in Heaven. This is the place before, the place of judgment."

Quinley looked around in wonder and just let out a quiet, "Oh,"

"It is the safest place." God mused aloud.

"A place of judgment safe? People would laugh at you."

"It's true, Judgment, is nothing but deep understanding and love. My children just haven't figured it out yet."

She scoffed, "Yes I know" then her indignation in her face softened, "I know"

They were both quiet for a moment, Quinley had a million questions and it was hard to settle on one.

"If this is a place of judgment, then am I here for mine?" The question had started out as curiosity floating in her mind but as the words sunk out of her mouth, they filled themselves with fear and hesitations.

God looked at her for a moment, not searching for a response, but just letting the both of them sit with that question as the breeze continued to be light and playful. It was one of those moments where time stands a little still because you give it space to exist and not just rush to the next point. Then after a moment, or two, or three, time wasn't real here, unless it was.

"Yes and no. I'll admit it's a little complicated." God looked around then, looking at the birdless sky and the lack of life, and then breathed as She felt the strength of the tree behind her and the potential of the dirt and knew that it was time. Through all of this, Quinley sat patiently, having become comfortable with rest in her time here.

"My love, you were killed before your time, and so was another of my children, and one lived beyond his and I have shown my displeasure at such events. But there are some, some that I had great faith in when it all started to go wrong, that they would make it right. Your sister was one of those people. But I'm afraid she didn't make it in time, and so you are here."

God went quiet then adjusting Her dress before She carried on, "And since then, your sister has been a constant nag in my ear," Her eyes crinkled with a smile, "Begging for you to come back, for some miracle, for time to go back, for it to be her, not you. It is fascinating to me, that my children can hold so much love for others, and never express it to them. Juliet has been pouring out all her words of love for you to me, but I'm afraid it's too late." She paused again, and smiled slowly looking down at Quinley, "That is unless you wish to go back."

God let that proposition that choice hang in the air the way a haze does on a hilltop in February. It lingered, giving Quinley time to take it all in and admire its beauty.

"You mean to tell me I can go back?!" Quinley was full of amazement, it crawled off her skin into the air around her brightening everything at once.

"Yes. If that is what you choose, I can reverse the clock six years back. You can start over again, with all your memories intact, so you can make new ones. But if that is not what you choose, then we will proceed with the judgment and you will experience ultimate rest. It is up to you."

The opportunity at her fingers Quinley's excitement faded as the bitter reality of her life came to her in rushing waves crashing down around her pulling her under and spitting her out until every crevice of her lungs filled with disappointment.

"But what if it's all the same again? What if I'm not strong enough to change anything? And what- what if they don't love me? What if they never loved me as you say they do? What will I do then?"

"That is when you have faith that they do. That you can. Have the same faith in yourself and others that I have in you. The whole reason I want my children to believe in me, not know of me, but truly believe, is so they can believe in themselves."

Quinley contemplated that for a while, letting the idea and the words and the truth roam in her mind until it found a place to stay.

"I don't- I don't know if I can. But I want to try." her voice was quiet, weighed down by all of the people she loves, "I want to see Aruther again and Claire and even that merchant girl." She laughed, tears brimming her eyes, "I want to have a chance to try and live this time and love and I want- I want to be fearless about it, reckless even; I want them to know, like I wanted to know."

She looked at God then a new determination present on her face, in the smiling curve of her lips and the set of her brows.

"You've made your decision then? You wish to go back."

"Yes. Yes please, give me another chance to be brave."