~•Sorrowful love•~

40. A truth

Kim Namjoon
Pov

I sit in a room with white halls, white bed, white window panes, everything in a plain colour.

Funny how one colour can feel so threatening.

As I sit inside this whole block, that contains Seokjin's lifeless body, I rummage through my memories all the things that happened after the accident.

~back to the accident~

I get out of my car, running as fast as my legs can carry me. It was a hit. A massive crash that was so loud I felt my heart would burst.

The goods that fell on you were heavy my dear. I could not see through the tears that blurred my eyes. But I had to get you out. Seokjin, why did you not stop?

Why didn't you trust me?

I frantically pulled away and threw everything there was on top of you. Then I caught a horrible sight. Of your hand. The hand of the person I swore to protect. The hand that was now covered in blood because of me.

I felt the pulse in your hand, it was beating, but it was so slow, I could hardly get the feel of it. I would not be able to forgive myself if you die my love.

Rummaging through the rest of the pile I got to the bottom. The car was flipped over and there was blood everywhere.

The bottom of the car has turned and was now on top of you. I reached for you and you looked at peace. As if you were sleeping. I shook you, I tried to pull you towards me, but you wouldn't budge.

The seat belt you had on was keeping you from me. I tried again and shook harder but you still didn't move.

Your hair were sticking at wierd angles when they were upside down. But they too were dripping from your blood.

It was everywhere. The blood that came out of your body. It was a sight I will never get out of my mind.

In that one moment, I was feeling so much. I was sad, anxious, and most of all, I was scared.

Scared that this happened because of me, scared that I am still a monster, scared... That you might not survive and I will lose you to the hands of death forever.

~present~

I wander in my sea of thoughts for quite some time, befor the doctor comes in and tell me to wait outside.

He examines Seokjin as I watch through the small window in the door. He looks disappointed and a moment later he shakes his head while mumbling something to the nurse.

When he comes out he says only 2 words. Two words that were enough to shatter me in a trillion pieces.

"I'm sorry." He says.

At that one moment I realise how much I lost. How much that loss means to me. How special that person was to me. How that person who ceases to exist, was a happy soul just days ago.

The doctor continues saying things but that shit doesn't even matter anymore.

I ask for a phone from around and dial Yoongi's number. I tell him to take the phone to Hoseok.

"Tell him" I choke out through my tears, handing the phone to the doc. I can't bring myself to tell someone that I killed their best friend. That I ripped away their reason to live. That I took away all that ever mattered to them.

I can't bring myself face to face with a fact that I am a murderer.