If We Can Turn Back Time

Chapter 10: Season

I was pretty sure my boyfriend told me that he loved me. I was pretty sure he promised me forever and whispered in my ear a romantic song that he heard from the muggle radio. 

Then why is he suddenly acting so strange?

I walk over to him and he says "hi" mindlessly. His blank face creates an awkward tension between me and Spencer. My feet tap on the marble floors in syncopated rhythm to the song that he sang to me yesterday. I look into his eyes and see a nondescript mess of fog and gray clouds. The empty pupils scan me top to bottom carelessly and tells me that I am vain. To his eyes today, I am useless, purposeless. This has been occurring for a long time. He tells me he loves me and he cares for me, and a couple days after I am ignored, neglected. Whenever I talk to him about it, he tells me that it's because I talk to other people more than him. But I swear on my goddamn heart that I don't. And sometimes, I feel useless. I feel guilty as hell. And it hurts so fucking much whenever I am subjected to his behavior. I feel alone, like a boat stranded alone in the pacific ocean, sinking slowly. 

"So, aren't we supposed to go to the Quidditch match together? We can go see your brother as the seeker and cheer on for him! I made a cheer, wanna hear? Hey that rhymed!" I exclaim with a fabricated smile. I'm trembling. I'm scared what move he'll make next. I'm scared he's going to walk away and leave me like he does regularly. 

"Cool. Hey, I'm really sorry. I can't come today, I have prefect stuff I need to do." Spenc says this super quickly, and I am run over by his words. He promised. He promised..

"It's cool. If it's prefect stuff. Maybe I won't go. I might catch up on my writing you see." I smile. Spencer quickly pecks a small kiss on my cheek and walks away with a pat on my shoulder. His touch feels cold as steel. I shiver and walk away with tears in my eyes. I don't think he even remembers how much I cried from a rejection of a book I wrote. Probably because all he did was hug me and tell me to stop crying. I don't think he even realizes the tears I am crying now.

Jesus, jesus. 

I walk towards the Quidditch field with my fingers clenched onto my scarf. I stumble through the highly accumulated snow. 

That's when I see Spencer, leaning by the Gryffindor area kissing a redhead passionately. He's smiling as he presses onto the girl. His hand is tightly wrapped around her tiny waist. Her skin is clear and whiter than the snow. Her hair fades in the ends in a soft pink. She's beautiful. I can't breathe when I see Spencer's fingers running through her hair. The girl giggles and he smiles at her with a loving smile. That girl, she's so much better than me. Her beauty and slim figure, her hips and her breasts and her femininity. I wonder if it's because she's straighter than a line. I wonder if it's because I'm bisexual and she's not.

"I can't give you up, no. When I kissed you I made a promise to you to never let you go..." 

Jesus fuck, that's my fucking song. That's supposed to be my song. He sang it to me. I don't fucking believe it.

A part of me feels broken. He lied to me. He double crossed me and killed me with fabricated words and kisses and hugs. His two faces make sense. The part of him that loved me and the part of him that loved someone else. And I guess he loved that someone else quite regularly. I gulp back the lump in my throat. My eyes are burning from the tears that boil in the back of my eyes. 

I turn back and run towards Hagrid's cabin, which is of course unoccupied. I sit down next to the extinguished fire and start to sob. Tears run down my face. I've lost someone. Again.