There are no words between strangers on a train ride home. There are no words between a child and a mother once the love was torn apart. There are no words when a loved one was on their last breath and the only one that could have saved them, walked away. There are no words when we have finally spoken our last say.
Nur knew that when he showed up at my house two a.m. in the morning, dripping wet from the rain. There were no words but empty promises of never being the person they told you they would be. A person that you wished so hard for them to be. Then leaving empty handed after it was proven that you lied to yourself. It was the imagination of the mind hoping for something so desperately only to realise that you were the problem to begin with. A problem everyone saw but yourself.
Nur, though, could understand facial expressions between guesses and hopelessness to pretend. He understood who was really your friend and who was the villain in the end. He lived by those abilities to keep him safe and I thought that I could be safe with him in his arms. I wasn't prepared when he told me that all of those moments, we shared was only pretend. It was pretend to him but to me, it meant the entire world. His lips trembled and his hands shook but his eyes were determined which I knew in my heart, that what he said was true. Nur was never my friend back then, now I have to live with the memories and the consequences of them.
Sometimes looking out of the window as it rains, I cannot help but think of those memories two years ago. His dark skin lighting up to a gentle brown as the light of my room shined on him. Or the warm gaze in his brown eyes when he tried to hide the monster that was inside. Nur was everything to me and more. The only person that understood that I was not a freak of nature but someone desperately looking for the warmth of love. But that night sparked a demon that I tried so hard to hide. Now all I can see is dark clouds above anyone that tries to come into my life. I don't see them as the normal human beings that they are but tormenters that are out to expel the hideousness inside of me. And Nur is the one human that made it that far to destroy the last humanity I clung on, now I just wait for them to come to me to die.
Three years ago, I thought I was different. Being young and naïve was a recipe for disaster but at the time I was hopeful wanting to show the world that I was nothing but an ordinary human. I failed to realise that it was at the time that humans were more aware and they could tell by just a feeling, some sort of sixth sense that didn't really makes sense to me. I just wanted to be a normal human and to be a part of them. It was one of the reasons that made me decide to try my hand out at school which should be easy when it came to me but I was never really ready for it. No one was ready for the disaster that it turned out to be by only one word circling around me.
"Freak!"
It was more like a whisper but the whole class could still hear it. The person next to me didn't really care about who could hear him. The teacher though was far engrossed in the lesson to care what was going on around him. The boy was blond, I remember the length and the smell of mangos, and one of his eyes was brown whereas the other a mixture of a colour I can't put a name to. It was interesting to say the least and me staring at him before class started didn't help me with being normal. The word though created some sort of emotion that I could not describe, it was all new to me. Back at home there was no bright colours. Everything was dull and blue, made life there really depressing but here everything just looked and felt bright even the bad parts of this place had bright colours. There was also only one sort of feeling back at home which was anger and anger lead to doing all kinds of bad deeds but here I was overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions.
"Freak!"
There were giggles this time and I grew unconfident. Slowly moving myself further down to my seat hoping that no one can see me but it only made them giggle more. I didn't like feeling this way and I wanted to get up and leave but the determinedness in me made me settle further in my seat as though that word did not affect me.
