Dear A
I stopped trying to find the truth in your lies. It was such an impossible task. There was no point in it but I still tried; hoping that I wouldn't waste my time. Stopped trying to find reason behind your lies. The impossible sort of life I dreaded living but somehow made myself live it. It was all my fault in the end. Perhaps a part of it was but I still took on the blame because I knew what kind of person you were. There was a never ending torture in your smile and the moment the words came out of your mouth I knew they were lies. It was on me to believe them. I spend many nights telling myself it's just how you love and that I should be lucky that you choose me. It didn't occur to me that my age and naivety that came with it; was one of the reasons why I always gave in to you. There are no words to describe the effort I put into the smile I gave you or how I had to stop myself from flinching every time you touched me. I stopped trying to pursue you in the end. It opened my eyes to the evil that lurked in your eyes. I suppose that if I never gave you that ultimatum; I would still be wrapped tightly in your web. Your roots, stretching within me with no end. No hope to escape for you would have convince me that all your wrong doings was my fault. I deserve all the hurt that you put me through because I allowed you to. I stopped looking for a reason to try. I stopped looking for a reason to stay. And I stopped trying to change every last thing about me because you were not happy with what you saw in me. At the time if you asked I would have done practically anything to make you happy including cutting all the bad parts of myself for not being good enough. In a way I am glad that I did what I did. I am glad that I stopped myself before I was in too deep. I stopped because the fatigue got too much and the restless nights took too much of myself to be anything but me. So I stopped and now I see that I was never the problem but it was you. You couldn't see me as the one and I thought of you too much. I was never meant for you and in some ways I am glad but looking back I can see my younger self still wondering why she was never good enough.
N
