i hate you.
i hate you for making me feel like i was crazy.
like i was hormonal, delusional,
like you were always right
and i was always wrong.
i would get validation but what good would it do?
it was always my word against yours.
and yours was always stronger.
i hate you.
i hate you for building me up.
for making me a better person.
i hate you for making me stand up for myself.
i hate you for making me feel beautiful.
for looking at me like i was the only girl in the world.
it would've been so much easier
if you hadn't.
i hate you for knowing every awful thing that ever happened to me,
without me having to tell you.
i hate that you knew all about my life and you still chose to do what you did.
i hate that i will never be able to trust someone like that ever again.
i hate you for always knowing when i was crying,
even if i wasn't making a sound.
you would roll over in your sleep and mumble something like,
"baby... don't cry."
and throw your arm around my neck
until it suffocated me.
i hate you for bringing a child into this world,
knowing what you were doing was wrong.
knowing that you couldn't raise him if you kept going down the path you chose.
i hate you for leaving my baby boy without a dad.
the way i was raised.
the way you were raised.
should've known better.
i hate you for hitting me,
and letting me believe that was love.
my body hates you for leaving it covered in bruises,
and scars,
for beating me to the floor and then kicking me while i was down.
head, eyes, ears, face, ribs, stomach, wrists, legs,
i hate the way you apologized,
every time,
like you meant it.
i hate myself for being so gullible.
but i hate you even more for being such a good liar.
i hate your friends for being part of your game,
making me believe you could still be saved.
making me believe that deep down,
there was a good person inside of you.
i tried.
i tried so hard.
but you were never made of marble,
and i was never a sculptor.
sometimes a block of marble is just,
a block of marble.
i hate you.
for walking into my life
and making me believe that you were missing from it.
2 years,
all the homeless couch surfing,
all the irreplaceable items i lost,
all the trauma i endured,
all of your pets i watched die,
all the times i almost died myself,
all of it,
was for nothing.
a lesson, at most.
and one i learned very well by now.
