i think blue is my favorite way to feel,
my favorite flavor of emotion,
i can feel it so intensely.
i can taste it.
blue tastes like full moon all nighters and making my friend's parents mad.
it tastes like couch surfing for a week because mom is in one of her moods again.
it tastes like carrying a backpack to school for the first time in years and no one asking why.
i've never been alive before now and that's not a delusion.
i miss the way my girlfriend laughs with her friends about memories i wasn't there to help make.
i miss smoking in the closet and listening to sad music in the dark.
i miss sleeping on the floor and walking a mile to school.
i miss not having a home.
i miss the instability.
and maybe that makes me fucked up but,
tell me something i don't know.
i've had a slice of the apple pie life and it just isn't me.
i'm not me if i'm safe.
i'm not me if i'm getting eight hours of sleep a night.
i'm not me if i'm making all the right decisions.
i'm not me.
not right now at least.
i was me when i was crying about how pretty the sky is.
i was me when i had dark circles under my eyes and always mumbled about conspiracy theories.
i was me when i smelled like menthols and weed and the last time i had a clean place to sleep was months ago.
blue is spraying graffiti under the highway.
it's sneaking out at 11pm to play soccer at the football field.
it's scraping change together to feed myself.
it's a mess of emotions,
good, bad, and in between.
blue is me.
i was born to be free.
born to be alone.
born to make shitty decisions and convince everyone that i'm crazy,
because i am.
so fucking crazy.
and i love myself for it.
i'd rather risk dying every day than be forced to stay in the same place.
please,
let me be free.
even if it means you never see me again.
