Meant To Be

Chapter 10

Chapter title- Without you

•Jamie's pov•
"Jamie darling are ye coming down? Suppers ready!" Mama yells.
"I'm not hungry! Just leave a plate in front of the door for later," I yell back and crawl back between the sheets.
I acted like a little kid and I ken it, but without Claire and Faith supper isna fun anymore, food doesna taste good anymore and life is just not worth it anymore.
The door opens and Mama is standing in the doorway. "Jamie, ye have to eat something,"
"I'm not hungry, I just want to sleep," I mumble burying my face in Claire's pillow.
"Alright," she walks to the dressoir and grabs Faith her clothes. "You want me to wash this so other bairns-"
"No! Don't wash them or give them away!" I interrupt her, jumping out of bed and grabbing the clothes.
"They smell like Faith, and Claire made them. I'll keep them," I take them to the bed and I pull the blankets over me.
"Okay, if ye need something call for me alright?" She closes the door again and I lay my head on Claire's pillow, holding Faith's clothes close I feel like they are somehow still there.
A few hours later the door opens again and I see Murtagh standing there.
"Lad have ye no' left yer bed then?" He asks with a worried frown.
"Some moments," I mumble.
He sighs and sit on the bed. "Will ye listen to me Jamie?"
I nod and he continues. "When ye were at Wentworth and they said you'd probably die, I told Claire I would protect her the way I would protect you. I meant it. When she said goodbye to me at the stones she begged me to take care of you, to look after ye. I promised her and I meant it then too."
"It doesna matter, she gone,"
He stands up. "Do ye think she wants you to life like this? Don't ye think she'll be disappointed to see ye like this?" Do ye think she wants ye to suffer like this?"
I sit up angry. "It's doesna matter Murtagh. She's gone. So is my daughter! All I ever wanted was her! And yet I canna have her! It's my fault now she lives a life without me and I life a live without her!"
I softly brush my fingers of the C she marked on my wrist.
"You've lived without her for more then twenty years I'm sure ye can do it again," he says softly.
"I didna knew her, and I didna know how I could feel for someone. But I felt it, and no one else will ever be able to make me feel that again,"
"I'm always willing to talk about yer problems or about Claire and Faith, to share memories. Just ask," he says and he walks of again.
I dinna want to talk about my problems. And I must certainly do not want to talk about Claire and Faith, I want to drown myself in the memories.

•Claire's pov•
"Happy birthday, sweetheart," I whisper waking up Faith.
She sits up and smiles at the small cupcake I have for her. "Me birthday?"
"Yes, your 2 now," I smile softly, grieving inside that Jamie's not here.
She smiles brightly. "Da hear? I'm 2!"
I smile and give her the cupcake.
"Where going house shopping today... will you come with mama?"
She nods and I let her eat the cake.
~Later At The Houses~
I walk with Faith at the end of my arm to the big window and I stare outside.
"What do you think?" Frank asks behind me.
I turn around and give a weak smile. "It's big... so many space for the three of us,"
"We're having a fourth member soon," he smiles brightly.
"Yes," I say softly.
I couldn't stand the fact he sad 'we're'. I was supposed to have a baby, with Jamie. Not with Frank.
"Can we afford all of this?"
"It's will be tight," he admits. "Especially with two children,"
I nod, it sounds like they're a burden.
"But we'll manage, I can work more hours at the university,"
"I can make take up some shifts in the hospital, when you're home ofcourse,"
He looks puzzled.
"I mean, I don't want Faith to be alone, so when you're home I could work and I can be home when are at work,"
"Yes, that could work, and we have a lot of savings too,"
I nod and kneel beside Faith. "Darling, would ye like to live here?"
She nods happily. "Da coming?"
I immediately tense and so does Frank.
Faith still remembers Jamie, I love it but hate it too.
"Sweety, I told you Da is gone, you'll live with us now," I put my hands on her cheeks.
She nods and stretches her arms so can pick her up.
"I miss da," she mumbles in my neck.
I take a deep breath, trying to hold back my tears. "I know darling, I miss him too. But what is gone is gone, we can't change it,"
She nods and I stroke her back gently. "If you remember him, that's okay, but try to live on. And remember some words he said to you. Like, A Leannan, M'annsachd or Mo Cridhe,"
"What does mean?" She takes her head from my shoulder and looks at me.
I smile faintly. "A Leannan means, My Darling. M'annsachd means, My blessing and Mo Cridhe means, my heart,"
"Da sweet,"
I nod. "So are you," I turn to Frank but I see he's not there anymore.
I look for Frank and find him in the hallway. "Are you okay?" I ask seeing him there tense.
"Claire, yes I was just waiting for the owner to see if anyone else had applied to buy this house. Otherwise it's ours,"
I smile. "Alright,"
We wait a few minutes and then the man comes back. "The house is yours if you want to,"
"That's amazing, yes we want to,"Frank replies happy.
"Sign there and there, and the procedure will start within a week," he says and Frank signs it.
He puts the pen down and walks to me.
Faith is still in my arms but Frank grabs my cheek and kisses me.
I feel slightly uncomfortable but I don't show it.
He smiles and I give him a smile back.
We walk out again and we come across a Scot who bumps into me.
"Watch it man!" Frank says upset.
"Your English?" He asks and he focuses his eyes on me.
"Yes why?" I ask putting Faith down.
He grins. "Go back to yer own lands, you Sassenach,"
That word struck me in my heart. "What did you say?"
He looks confused. "Are ye deaf? I said Sassenach,"
"Don't you ever dare to call me Sassenach ever again," I snap and I pick up Faith and get in the car.
"Mama, why mad?" Faith asks sitting on my lap with her hands in my hair.
"Your da, he always called me Sassenach, it was my nickname to him,"
She nods and sits beside me and holds my hand.
Frank gets in the car and he looks mad. "Why did you snap at him? You were never bothered before when someone called you 'Sassenach',"
I take a deep breath trying not to snap at him too. "Jamie used to call me Sassenach. It was my nickname and he was the only one who used it, it's a special word to me. and I hate it when other people say it,"
He nods and drives of.
I'm Jamie's Sassenach, not only else's.