What am I doing.

Im my feelings (its an emo one soz)

CONTENT WARNING- skip this one if talk of  EDs or body insecurities upsets or triggers you, or if you're just not here for the sad shit in general
Also I promise I'm fine it's was just a 3AM insecure thing I swear stay blessed 🤝
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I used to think that I was different from everyone else. From the other (girls). I wasn't small and delicate, with a fine bone structure and a tiny frame. I never fit in with the cliches, clothes, the tropes I was expected to. I didn't understand that when she said she wasn't hungry- it didn't mean something was wrong with me for being so. It just meant we did not have the same appetite.

I love to learn. I love strange, niche things that nobody else does , not because I want to be new and exciting, but because I enjoy them. This makes me weird. Off putting.
You internalise something, the first time someone calls you ugly. A strange, poisonous feeling of doubt seeps into your subconscious mind and clouds everything you do. Everything you say and think. Wondering what you did wrong. What you can do to change. It was a boy who I didn't like, when I was about 11. It stung like rejection. The feeling sleeps in the back of my mind, always.

I internalised more, the first time someone called me fat. It was my mum. She didn't say it directly, exactly. It's what she didn't say when I asked her "Do you think I'm fat?" For the first time. I had already told myself the answer, but I wanted to hear it again. Her validation of what I suspected was no less earth shattering than if my confidence was through the roof. I began to measure my food. Exercise too much. Nobody even noticed. Nothing changed. I was 12 when it began. I was lucky. Smart. I stopped starving myself about two years later. Learned to listen to my body, rather than fight it. I naturally gained weight again.
Suddenly, my mum took notice in my body once more.

If you haven't lived it, I don't think you could ever understand the loneliness of being the girl left out while your friends are being pursued. How much it hurts when you are never, ever asked for your Snapchat. How much it breaks your heart to learn about all these new exciting experience your friends live nowadays and know the reason why you are not singled out to be a part of it. How dull, to be the butt of the joke. How boring, to be the spurned one in a group of people. How awful, to have built up a tolerance to small cruelties, inflicted on you since you were just a little girl, alone at lunch time. Reading a book to block out the sound of laughter. Pretending you like your own company better, to distract that nobody wants to be your friend. To always be a "before" picture, with no "after" to justify your own humanity. To all the ugly ducklings like me.
Be brave.

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Authors notes
If you or someone u know needs help w something like this, never be afraid to reach out to your family, friends or healthcare provider.
Again I'm fine this was just a lil emo hour thing 🤌