𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 ↝ getō suguru

𝚃𝚆𝙾

[FEBRUARY, 2007]

ii. A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

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IT WAS THE DAY OF GETO'S BIRTHDAY.

and though he knew that, he could only watch as the day slipped by.

for geto, the day felt just as any other did. as arduous as any other and as mundane as any other. 

all the days since the incident had felt like that.

it was something, geto had been meaning to tell you. he wanted to at least attempt to share how he had been feeling, to let you know the honest truth that he had not been doing well, mentally. he knew that he might not be able to convey the true depth of it but he felt the desperate need to do something. the truth had begun to feel like a weight that might soon crush his entire being. however, due to the two of you, as well as satoru, being sent on solo missions that never seemed to coincide, geto had no other alternative than to bury his thoughts within the deepest and darkest places of his mind. in hopes that a chance would arise where he could share his burden.

but maybe it was for the best that he did not bother you, he thought.

earlier for his birthday, he had received a few gifts. some chocolates and some sweets, that he would leave for satoru, a card and many verbal wishes of happy birthday. to all of them, suguru had managed to work a smile on to his lips, head tilting in that way it did when he was happier, and though it didn't quite reach his eyes it didn't matter, no had seemed to notice the insincerity anyway. 

currently, he was sat on the stone steps that led to the courtyard. he wore his usual oversized white t-shirt and baggy charcoal pants, if yaga had not sent him on any missions, he would often find similar non-descript clothing lying around in his room. it was an easy route to remain with the same choice but for him, it saved him having to really think about what it was that he truly wanted. suguru had never been good at that.

once again, the skies were dark and grey, as if it somehow knew of the inner turmoil geto was facing. the jujutsu student leaned to the side, allowing his body to lean on the worn metal frame that bordered the stairs. he did not know what time it was, he wasn't sure if he even cared. lately he felt as if he was simply a bystander in this thing called life, watching the hours tick by, watching the clouds blow past.

that was, until you approached him.

he saw you from afar first. you were carrying a small item, cupped in both hands, with a single purple candle standing lit. satoru trailed close behind, a smile he couldn't quite seem to contain, playing on his lips.

vacantly, suguru watched as the two of you approached him. you walked slowly, your hand now shielding the naked flame.

however, suguru's eyes lingered on satoru. the white-haired boy seemed different. a good different. it was as if satoru had grown. not physically but rather, mentally. he walked with a certain poise about him and it was as if the air around him hummed with power.

a sudden strike of jealousy ebbed in suguru's chest. the same incident had happened to the both of them— so why, in the few months that had passed, had they become so different?

a gulf was growing between them and suguru did not know what to do.  if gojo had already made peace with what had happened and had grieved in his own way, who was geto to judge that and drag him into the depths with him?

geto was brought of his stupor when he heard your voice calling for him.

"suguru," you had called.

the sound of his name on your lips grounded him. had always seemed to reel his mind back from whatever soul-less place it resided in.

satoru had mimicked your voice, earning an elbow shove at this.

geto huffed a small laugh at the interaction.

the two of you then begun singing him happy birthday then. geto couldn't deny that your voices needed a bit of perfecting, but he smiled throughout, genuinely grateful for the heartfelt message.

you and satoru soon concluded your singing and clapped in celebration, so blinded by the excite for suguru that you failed to notice the fading of his smile.

the harsh sounds were no where near the magnitude that it was that day but yet it still brought suguru back. back to that day. back to seeing riko amanai's lifeless body. back to—

"–uru! suguru!"

geto's view got a little brighter as you stepped closer. maybe it was the light from the candle on the cake or maybe that was just the effect you had on his heart. it was moments like these that suguru wished he could pause time so that you would always be in his line of sight.

with tired eyes, suguru slowly looked up at you, his hazel eyes that had flecks of green in them met your e/c ones. the vibrancy of the candle left a warm glow on your face. that little light seemed to perfectly accentuate everything that geto loved about you. your eyes that would view him so kindly and your lips that would say the sweetest things. suguru really did love you, even if he was finding it difficult to show that.

along with the heaviness of that day, it was the guilt of not being enough for you that was eating away at him. threatening to leave nothing behind.

"suguru?" 

his name sounded more like a question this time. maybe it was his hearing or maybe it was just a precursor of things to come.

"did you hear me?" worry was etched on every feature. satoru had also quietened, ceasing his cheering, "i said make a wish, suguru." 

"oh," geto wordlessly voiced, a smile made it's way to suguru's lips, not really for himself but more so he could placate your worry.

"suguru!" the white-haired student called out. "make a good wish, yeah!" satoru continued to woo and cheer.

for a moment, suguru paused, closing his eyes and blocking out the noise.

the world seemed to still.

what was it that he wished for? something that he not just wanted but needed.

was it to find purpose? to be a better friend? to be a better boyfriend? to get over amanai's death already? to never have to taste a cursed spirit again? to figure out a balance to keep the jujutsu world afloat without destroying the mundane world?

—was that even possible?

suguru couldn't decide what he wanted most. but he knew how he wanted it to make him feel. taking a deep breath, the black-haired jujutsu sorcerer raised his to meet yours. to meet satoru's.

i wish to be okay, suguru thought.

and gently blew out the candle.

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