𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐇

can i ask you a question?

Emma

I always had this feeling of being different,
it hauted me since I was a little girl.
I've always felt misunderstood as if not even the people who know me the best are able to read me fully. And at the same time, I was a dreamer, always longing for a happiness that seemed unreachable and distant.
I was a dreamer, a dreamer who never allowed herself to catch her dreams.

All my thoughts were silenced by the shrill ring of the school bell, announcing the end of classes. In fact, hardly even such a loud sound was able to silence the voices in my mind and bring me back to reality. Not after what had happened a month ago. I have never been able to feel fully myself again since that moment. It was as if my soul was a flame that had been extinguished and I was reduced to a body, which did nothing more than wander around and somehow try to stay alive.

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1 year ago

I've liked Nico Rutherford probably since i was 13. I remember being a little girl and blushing every time he passed through the school hallway.
I grew up seeing him with several girls. He was the kind of guy who couldn't handle being alone so he lived in "relationships" that lasted a month. Now that I look back, I swear I think he must have dated half of the school and all of the girls dumped him for the exact same reason: he wasn't the kind of guy who would take something serious and commit.

I never came up in his life as a first choice. Whilst we had never had anything past the talking stage until this year, it wasn't the first time Nico had spoken to me. In fact, I had lived on false hopes all my life: I always believed that he would finally see me for who I was every time he came back from a failed relationship, ready to give me attention for a few weeks, until the rumours that he was with a new girl he had met at some party spread throughout the school.
Sometimes, I don't know why I didn't moved on earlier. Part of me thinks it was because I fell for a version of him that wasn't real, I was too in love with the person I thought he could be, probably because all my life l've believed he was the one and that with time he would become mature.

When he started texting me,this year, everything felt different, though. For once, I really thought Nico Rutherford had grown up and stopped being the jerk he used to be. One more time I gave him a chance and I was happy, in the begining. It didn't took too long for me to realize that he was still the same idiot. I always knew he didn't like me as much as I did. In fact, I think he never knew what love was, he had never felt it in that way for no one, he was too imature for that.
But I was no longer a 13-year-old girl who accepted being treated that way by a boy. I could no longer stay in that relationship if all it brought me was insecurity because I felt I had someone by my side who didn't know me at all, unable to read my soul, and worse, to learn how to love it the right way.

"Nico?" I said, in a fearful tone of voice, because I knew that the question I would ask him next would mark the end, even before it left my mouth.

"Yes Emma, what now? Don't give me that talk again that your stupid band is playing on the weekend. I told you I have plans with the boys."

"I wasn't even going to say anything about- You know what? Forget it" - I said in a heavy sigh.

"Why do you always have to spoil things?"
Was it me who always spoilt everything? He's got to be kidding me.

I thought of several ways to phrase the next sentence, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I couldn't tell him how I didn't understand what we had, how he seemed like a different person now and how it killed me that he was unable to express any affection for me. The snowball of thoughts forming in my head exploded into one question, short and dry:

"Nico, do you even like me?"

"See thats what i'm talking about."

"No, stop. Stop this bullshit and be honest with me for once. Do you like me?"

"Emma, don't go that way."

"Tell me!"

"I don't know, ok. I'm confused. I don't know. I really don't have anything more to say to you. I dont -"

"You would know if you did, believe me! I can't force you to but you would know, Nico"

Because I did. I knew for such a long time, I knew everytime I saw him in the corner with a new girl, everytime he came and everytime he left. All those years, I knew. But how could I stay if even now he didn't feel it? I was expecting it if he told me he didn't love me but not even being able to tell me he liked me? Am I someone so incapable of being loved?

He never tried to stop me or continue the conversation when I turned my back on him and left. I didn't know how to feel and as I headed towards the school gate my mind was filled with thoughts and feelings that were fighting each other. On the one hand I felt free, like I had finally closed a chapter of my life that was draining my energy and not allowing me to be me anymore. On the other hand, part of me was still stuck in old memories and the idea of what we could have been.

I-
I needed to breathe.

And without thinking, I started walking fast to the nearest beach. Tears filled my eyes as I clutched my books tighter than usual, as if my body was seeking comfort in an embrace that didn't exist.

My heart was racing. It was like I'd danced with the devil because he made me feel so goddanm important but then tried to erase us, as he did every fucking time. And the memories, they-
they felt like weapons. But I couldn't keep waiting for a signal that was never going to come.

When my mind slowed down, I found myself already sitting on the sand. My body had been brought back to reality by the cold sea water touching my feet. I sat in silence for a while.

When the tears streaming down my cheeks finally dried I had the biggest headache ever because I had been sobing for more time than I would like to admit. He didn't deserve my tears, he really didn't, and I knew it was time for finally letting him go, even if it hurts.

In that moment, all I felt like doing was swimming, as if I believed the cold water on my body would quiet my mind and erase the pain. I had a bikini since I was meeting Camila at her house, after school, so we could go to her pool. Shit! Camila's house, I should have taken the bus! But it was too late to go back. It was already past 5pm. I didn't feel like talking to anyone at that moment, I would walk home afterwards and call her on the way. I knew she would understand.

I've always had this habit of thinking that the agony inside me will go away on its own without me having to face it, maybe because it's so hard for me to express out loud what I feel and what torments me, as if my body wants to scream for help but no sound escapes my mouth.

The sea water was already lapping at my waist when a voice caught my attention. I recognised it immediately, and frankly it belonged to the last person I wanted to see in front of me.

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Thank you so much for reading this far! 💌
This was my first chapter and I honestly don't know how I feel about my writing yet so I'm so sorry if there's  any mistakes or if this wasn't what you were expecting.
Also, I hope you like Taylor because there will be many references :)
Let me know your thoughts on Emma, what do you think of her?

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p.s: please vote if you can, ily <3