Dancing In The Moonlight

5. Crazy

this chapter has mentions of sensitive topics and it's a lil bit spicy

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A light knock at the bathroom door pulled her from her thoughts.

She and Jake had been with the Omatikaya for almost two weeks. She was making so much more progress than him, simply because she had been on the planet for longer and understood so much more than he did. Neytiri had to start from scratch, whereas Tsu'tey only needed to teach her bits and bobs.

And because she'd been making more progress, she'd asked Tsu'tey the day before if she could have a semi-rest day. Go into the link later, let her have a lie in. She was exhausted. And she was getting sick of the repetition. It was the same every day, riding pa'li and tracking animals. She only saw Jake at Na'vi breakfast and both human and Na'vi tea times. Neytiri worked him hard, just as Tsu'tey worked her hard. He'd gruffly agreed to her request, telling her that she'd help Neytiri and Jake with his atrocious language skills in the afternoon. She'd almost cried with thanks when he'd said yes.

She could always sense when she was on the verge of a breakdown.

She'd tried to sleep, she really did. She didn't even set her alarm clock. But mother nature was cruel, and she woke up at half past four in the morning with the overwhelming desire to crash and burn.

"Who is it?" she asked croakily.

She'd dragged herself out of bed and was currently sitting on the shower floor, her knees tucked up to her chest, the water hitting the top of her head and running down her face, her back to the bathroom door.

Burnout. Not the first time, and definitely not the last. It just wasn't a pretty sight for anyone involved. Burnout and grief. Tiredness always did fuck her up.

"It's Jake."

She couldn't deal with him right now. Not him. She didn't want to suck him into the depths of her despair. She didn't want him to see her like this. She was always happy around him.

She closed her eyes and hunched herself tighter. "Have you not linked already? What time is it?"

There was a pause. His voice was full of concern. "Are you okay?"

She exhaled slowly through her mouth, ignoring the tears stinging her eyes. "Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice too quiet to be heard over the shower.

She can't do this. She can't do it.

Why did it have to be him?

Why did she have to lose people? Why was her best friend shot in front of her? Why did her dad get cancer?

The same three questions had buzzed around her head for three years. Why, why, why. She knew the answer to one of them, at least. Her dad had had a genetic condition that made him more susceptible to brain tumours. His dad had it, and his mam before him had it. Whole fucking family.

She couldn't bring herself to get tested. It would be a ticking time bomb. If she had it, she'd worry that every illness she had was caused by the condition. Worry that she'd end up the same way.

The way she saw it, she had at least another ten years. Most of the family that she could trace didn't seem to end up ill until their thirties.

She pushed her head back against the glass and tried to control her breathing.

Dad, Sylwanin, if you're there, I want you to know that I would've switched places with you in a heartbeat.

"Mairi?" She put her hand over her mouth, trying to control her breathing. "Can I come in?"