FreeTheLGBT: Anthology

A Moment Of Emancipation

Written by: spontaneous3ly

~Winning Entry of "Pride Festivals and Japan"~

Living in a conservative home is not easy. It's literally the worst. It only took me a while to realise that I wasn't okay with the rules and the restrictions that come with it. What's worse is that I'm the first born son. So there is also an endless list of responsibilities that I have to follow and ignoring the person I am on the inside is one of them. Like, I sometimes imagine how disappointing their reactions would be if I ever get the courage to say "I'm a gay young black man".

"Cedric, Cedric!" Jasmine, my all time bestie, calls to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

We were hanging out at a cat café. It was Jasmine's choice that we should dine at a place like this considering they're undying love for cats.

"Huh!"

"I was saying, I hope you find what you've been longing for at The Queer Volt. That's where Cohen and I met," they say, pulling out a card from her handbag and giving it to me. Jasmine couldn't attend the event because they are still recovering from the bottom surgery they did weeks ago. They are going to stay at home, watch a movie and cuddle with their significant other on the night the event is going to take place. "Anyways, I'm running late for our check-up with the surgeon. We'll meet up soon, okay. Hopefully at a time when we're both not busy." They concluded our little hangout with a kiss on my cheek before storming away. Leaving me on the table with a card in one hand, my coffee on the other and a cat lying lazily on the table in front of me.

A few minutes later, I find myself scrolling down my Instagram feed full of very attractive guys whilst petting the cat at the same time. I can't help it. The cat's coat is so soft I can't stop myself from sliding my palm through the dusty brown fur.

"I knew I could recognize that face from a distance." I hear a familiar voice utter.

Quickly, I switch my phone off before switching my gaze to the person standing in front of me. To my surprise, it's someone I have known since high school.

"Ayy, mahn. How's it been?" I ask, standing up to meet with his gaze. We shake hands. He pulls me in for a bro hug which causes an instant blush to grow on my cheeks.

"I'm good. Long time, hey!" he says, his hand still holding mine while his other hand rests on my shoulder.

"Yeah, it has been," I reply.

"Are you busy?" Mulla asks. "Wanna go for a walk?"

"Nahh, I can come," I say. "Was having coffee with my bestie but they bailed. Just give me a sec."

I kneel down to collect my phone, an empty cup and muffin wrappings, leaving my spot after giving the adorable cat a last scratch on its head. I throw my rubbish in the bin on my way to the exit of the cat café.

There is beautiful weather outside. A clear blue sky with a few dark clouds approaching. I notice Mulla's gaze on me. Instantly, I look in his direction. I come across his warm eyes. It feels surreal at first before the silence between us becomes awkward somehow.

"What?" I say.

"Nothing!" He chuckles, scratching the back of his neck.

The conversation we had after was relatable and sweet. I mean, why wouldn't it be? He was my high school crush. The same rugby player I was obsessed with back in high school, except now he wears a silver earring on his left ear and a nose ring. But it doesn't remove the winks he used to throw at me every time he'd walk past me on the rugby field and the fact that he was the boy of my daydreams. Just a single thought of him would send butterflies to my stomach and leave my face with a blush that lasted for hours. Not a night would pass that I didn't think of him. Thinking about how he made me feel and when our next encounter would be. Which are the same thoughts I have right now as I lay in bed. It may be another lonely night but at least I have an image of my crush's face, smiling at me, to get me through the night.

~~~~~~

I stare into the dark nothingness of the ceiling in my room. My chest feels uneasy. I just had a heated argument with my father about an incident that happened at work. Yes, I'm in my gap year and it was by his command that I use this time to learn the trade of cutting hair at his barbershop. But there's so much pressure that one can tolerate. Being criticized for doing my best in being the person he wants me to be. It's suffocating, trying so hard to be someone I'm not whilst losing contact with the person I am on the inside. How unfortunate would it be if I fail at being the person that would make him proud, and the only word roaming my head would be drowning, drowning, drowning. A tear manages to escape the corner of my eyes as a frustrating feeling still boils in my chest.

A saying I heard from earlier this week comes to me. 'I hope you find what you've been longing for at The Queer Volt. That's where Cohen and I met.'

Moved by these words, I push away my blanket and rise from my bed. I stretch my arms for the box that's on top of my closet which has the invitation card in it. It's late at night. Everyone in the house is asleep which is the perfect time for me to make my escape.

I leave the house through my bedroom window. Doing everything that goes against my parents' teachings. I walk cautiously down the road. Disguised in shady clothes so that I wouldn't be spotted by the neighbors that might be awake at this time.

The distance is lengthy. The more I walk away from home, the more negative thoughts build up in my head. It's like I can hear their voices. 'How can you be so irresponsible?', 'What example will you be setting for the children that come after you?', 'If you, the first born, becomes rotten, how do you expect the rest of your brothers and sisters to behave?'

I fasten my pace. Pushing through, I remove the shady cap and jacket I wore and leave them behind. Proceeding to my destination with clothes that had the colours of the rainbow all over it. For one moment can I just be alive and enjoy every second of it. I am who I am and I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore. I just want to be happy, just for a few hours at least.

I arrive at The Queer Volt. I show my card to the bodyguard that stands outside the club and when I enter, I'm already intrigued by the dreamy mood that is in the atmosphere inside. An electrifying feeling aroused throughout my body as a groovy music is being played. It's probably one of the songs from the album Renaissance by Beyoncé. A drag performer captures my sight, entertaining the crowd with their extravagant beauty and seductive performance. I look around me. Seeing how the people are having fun while expressing themselves with the outfits they wore to such an event makes me feel liberated.

I exhale.

A gut feeling causes me to shift my sight to the direction from where the signal is coming from. To my surprise, it was Mulla, staring at me from a distance. He wore a black crochet net top, loose jeans and adorned himself with some chains and rings. I notice how his outfit choice shows off some of his muscular body. A blush grows on my face as I raise my eyebrows at him. He approaches me while shrugging his shoulders. "It is what it is!" He gushes unapologetically, scanning me up and down and licking his lips in the process.

We engage in a deep conversation. This time, being more open about our fears, desires, and dreams whilst looking deep into each other's eyes. Mulla leans in for a kiss as the intensity grows between us, seeking a connection that has been long overdue. But I hesitate, moving my head away. I guess I'm so used to being careful with my actions so much that I forget to be alive at this moment. Sensing my unease, Mulla gently holds my hands and reassures me not to worry. Reminding me that here, in this space, I am free to be myself.

Overwhelmed by this realization, I surrender to my desires and close the gap between us. I lose myself in the space between his lips, letting go of the worry that's left inside me. He grasps my body with his husky arms, amplifying the sensations that courses through my body. At this moment, I feel a higher degree of emancipation.