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Hugo: Paradise Beyond

Hugo: Paradise Beyond
By nitro8read

Ok to start things of I wanna say you should definitely describe your scenes more as the story seems a little bare, here are a few pointers and examples to get you going:

-what do things look like, go into detail. Like the two creatures, what do they look like, make the reader see what you see. Also the town, what's that look like, is it modern or set 100 years ago?

-think of how the character may feel, explain how they are thinking, acting and even explain how their senses respond to the situation.

-Describe everything important, make your readers know what's going on, PAINT A IMAGE WITH YOUR WORDS!!!

-why are the characters acting the way they do? For example why is he being quiet when he goes home? Are his family aggressive? Is he just sensitive? You should think of how they are acting second by second and write down the most important things and the things that show personality, this is important for character development.

-also his family, who are they, how does he feel about them? What are they like?

Your scenes are flying by like they didn't even happen.

Like when you write "he goes down stairs eating breakfast before he catches the bus, his siblings follow behind him":

-this and the sentence before it could easily be a a few paragraphs, what is his breakfast routine like? Is he active or lazy?

-who are his siblings, names, personalities, how do they respond to the main character?

-what's the bus scene like, is he popular, does he sit with his siblings, does he sit alone?

Don't use brackets, let the sentence flow naturally, hers a simple example:

"...like every normal Monday, a daunting day for everyone in this miserable town."

***

You describe Levis attire and even his height, which adds to the visual aspect of reading, try to do this for the whole story, decided areas, objects and you'll have a more captivating story.

The way Hugo notices his height over Levi shows that he pays attention to petty things in competition to his rival, this is good character development. Though I think for a rival you should make him seem like a challenge to Hugo, making his taller instead of shorter would be a good way to do this.

The childish bickering between Hugo and Levi is actually pretty good, it shows their age and mentally well, I'm thinking scripting is your strong suit. To make this better try to explain why they are saying what they are saying, here and example:

"they wouldn't care" Levi sighed as he responded "no one would", he often felt like was overlooked by his parents, may they didn't love him he thought to himself.

***

Again the scene is moving way to fast, I feel like his day at school should be more full, you could fit a whole chapter here, remember he's there for 6 hours not 6 minutes.

Add variety to your words. Get creative with it I'll give you some examples and definitions:

- worn - donned :
He was donning a contouring (tight fitting) white T-shirt adorned (decorated) with sleek (slim) black stripes that descended to the swave (elegant) cut corners of the tee.

- asked - interjected :
...Hugo interjected with trepidation (anxiety) as he bitterly utters "You want to date her or something?" A scowl (angry expression) written across his brow as he displayed his concern.

- responded - reacted
"It has nothing to do with Hugo" Levis face illuminated (glowed) a soft rose color as he reacted, trying to illuded (lied to) himself from the factuality (truth) .

***
Why does Hugo respond to the sounds as he does, was it loud, scary maybe even strange? Try to explain how the sound startles him into equipping a baseball bat and going to check it out. Also how does he get from the back yard to the shop?

The woman at the store is really interesting and I'd love to see you expand of her apprentice and overall vibe.

I like how you switch between Hugo, Levi and the Man, this could lead to a interesting story structure, you could do it on a chapter by chapter bases and make 6 chapters out of the 2 you already have. If you convert it into 6 chapters and make each chapter around 3500-5000 words you would be half way to having a full novel. I think you could do this with some dedication if you follow the advice above.

Overall the story seems interesting but this feels like I'm reading a short draft, if you fill out your story id be happy to give it another review sometime. But for now I have to give my honest score.

Final Im curious about the title, what is this paradise beyond? Maybe you could drop some hits in your writing.

I rate this a 4/10, the 4 is for original plot, unique structure, good scripting and good character interactions.