Laredo s1e18- "That's Noway Thataway" (unaired "Texas Guys" pilot)

Chapter 8

As the fight continued, a tall strong-looking cowboy entered and walked over to the bar.

"Alright, that's enough!" he scolded.

The whole fight stopped and three cowboys looked at the one that came in.

"Howdy, Ben" said one.

"No offense, Ben" said another.

"Just a friendly discussion, Ben" said the third. 

Ben saw Dudley and Newton hiding behind the table. "I heard there was a preacher around here."

"No sir! Not here" said Newton.

"Of course there's a preacher" said the bartender.

"Who, me?" said Dudley. 

"Him?" said Newton.

"That's alright, boys; I like preachers" said Ben. "Now tell me, mister. You a good preacher?"

"Good? Why he had a fantastic..." Newton began.

He was about to say 'performance', but Dudley pushed his hat over his eyes. "I try to be a good man. Show the way, bring a little light."

"Good. Come here" said Ben in that deep voice of his.

Dudley and Newton cautiously did as told and Ben introduced himself. "I'm Ben Conrad; does that mean anything to you?"

"Pleased to meet you, Brother Conrad" said Dudley. 

"Mr Conrad's a big celebrity around here. Went out and made himself a great reputation. He's the greatest gunfighter around here" said the bartender.

"Oh really? Nothing I like better than gunfighters" said Dudley awkwardly.

"Well, then we're just gonna get along fine" said Ben, "Now, preacher, I know you wouldn't accept one, but I'd like to buy your friend here a drink."

"Oh no, I'm not a great one for..." said Newton politely.

"Y'know, I knew a fella once who wouldn't drink with me when I invited him. He rode a thousand miles trying to get away, but I followed him. Poor fella" said Ben.

That story made Newton change his mind. "Double please."

Ben snapped his fingers and the bartender gave him two drinks.

"You know what I always say. A shot in the hand is worth two in the head," Newton laughed awkwardly, "That's what I always say."

"Alright, boys, let's sit down, huh?" said Ben. 

The boys did as told. 

"Now. How long you gonna be here, preacher?" said Ben.

"Well, I'll be preaching a sermon on Sunday and then..." Dudley started.

"Sunday? Well, now, that's fine. We can have the wedding on Saturday" said Ben with satisfaction.

Newton's jaw dropped. "Wedding?"

"Yeah, me and Belleflower Ferne is getting hitched. Prettiest little gal in town" said Ben.

"Oh yes. She certainly is. The only thing is..." Newton began.

"Wedding? But I don't see how I can" said Dudley. 

"I mean, a wedding is so permanent" said Newton.

"Is there something wrong about me getting married?" said Ben suspiciously. 

"No no no! I think every man should be married" said Newton.

"It's just that I'm a bit rusty when it comes to weddings" said Dudley.

"Well, you got till Saturday to get un-rusty, preacher" said Ben, "I wanna get married and when I don't get what I want, I get very unhappy; you understand that? And when I get unhappy... people die."

Newton spat out his drink in fear. 

Later, the boys were sitting on their bed in their pajamas. 

"It's no use, Newton. I can't go through with it" said Dudley.

"But you've got to. Ben will kill you if you don't perform the wedding ceremony" said Newton.

Dudley sprung up and and panicked. "Well, he'll kill me when he finds out I'm not a real preacher!" 

"There you are! You see? You can't lose" said Newton. 

Dudley tried to approach the wardrobe trunk, but Newton blocked his path. "Where are you going?"

"I wanna get dressed!" said Dudley.

"Hmph!" Newton scoffed.

Dudley kept trying to move, but Newton kept blocking his path.

When he'd just about had it, Dudley climbed over the bed and opened the trunk. "I'm going to get out of here!"

"We can't; we've got to wait till Sunday for the collection" said Newton.

"Oh, forget it!"

"But then we won't have any money!"

"Oh, I'm just going home!" 

"D'you remember the story about Ben and the man who wouldn't have a drink with him? D'you remember how he ran away and Ben followed? Remember what happened?!" Newton argued. 

Dudley stood up and put his hands together. "Dearly beloved brethren, we are gathered here today..."