billie & i

.eleven.

tw: brief hallucinations

the classroom walls seem to press firmly against each other, as if a little slip in the foundation would make the whole building come down. i notice a few cracks in the ceiling and immediately imagine what could have put them there. lousy construction, a kinetics experiment, or simply human error.

human error.

sounds of anxious chatter start to permeate my trance as i look around, trying to take in my surroundings. it's is quiet but busy, with the same energy as a bus stop or a restaurant. i personally don't feel anxious. or at least that's what i think. my hands are shaking and my lungs feel tight, but i can't feel a thing. i feel numb. completely void of any good emotion.

a presence fills the seat next to me, and i relax as i realize that it's nyra.

"nyra," i whisper as she pulls her notes out of her bag while smiling softly. she always looks so happy.

"arlo," she replies, clasping her hands in front of her. i glance over at her and smile out of courtesy, noticing the same freckles that still sit on her skin. she's just as pretty as the first day. "ready?"

"as i'll ever fucking be."

nyra smiles at me with a sympathetic look on her face, returning to her notes to perfect them, i assume. i adjust my legs in the plastic seat, my mind beginning to fill with memories from the past few weeks. i hate calling them memories, because doing so that you'd assume i'd love to remember them.

in reality, i really wish i could forget.

jaedyn and her bullshit begin to poke holes in my brain. i've seen her at parties posted up with other bitches, and she hasn't spoken to me in months. she's always rubbing something in my face: new pussy, new chains, new friends. she's slowly but surely replacing everything in her life. most likely me.

i'm gonna kill her.

i'm sure damien hates me. a deep, whole body, visceral hate for me probably bubbles in his body every time i pass him. i've tried to talk to him, and each time he "has smth to do", or "is busy", or simply doesn't care to tell me why i can't see him. i really wish i hadn't fucked up and told him he's just a friend. even though its wrong of me to string him along on a ride he didn't ask for.

and then there's billie. since the last time we've spoken there's been an elephant of a topic between us. namely, what happened the night jaedyn decided to rain hell on me. billie wants to know and i don't want to tell her. i couldn't. i don't want to scare her off so early when we've just started talking.

"miss cerrean, please present your thesis to the class."

oh for fuck's sake.

the professor's words snap me out of my stupor, forcing me to come back into the classroom. nyra scoffs a little, smiling politely at me, which earns her a glare. i blink a few times and give her a tight-lipped smile, walking quickly to the front of the room. i've prepared well for this, including extra concealer under my eyes and more makeup than usual to hide the tear stains and exhaustion.

of course, i'm going first.

my folder opens in front of me, showing pages of notes and bullet points of ideas im supposed to speak about. deep breath. i take the remote from the professor as she sits down, connecting my presentation to the projector for the entire class to see. everyone's beady little eyes are on me, just waiting for me to mess up.

they'd love to watch my life if it was a movie.

nyra catches my eyes and mouths something, followed by a wave and a little heart made with her fingers. i look down and breathe out the tension in my body, beginning my presentation.