I knew I was Handsome, atleast that everyone thought so. I, however, have never felt it. Rationally I knew... I saw the way people looked at me, treated me. I used it to my advantage, something I hardly ever acknowledged outloud. It was a side of me I didn't want the world to see. The side that did make me slytherin. It doesn't matter how hard I try to fight it, I am and always will be a Black. Even after attending Hogwarts for a few years now, even after being sorted in gryffindor, even after proudly definding our house, even after finding my family..... I am still never sure I actually belong here, Mistakes can be made even by the wisest of things.
In the corner of my eye I could see James looking at me. We were in the train, going back for our last year. Maybe that was the reason I was currently in a mood... We were all in our compartment, every year since we started, this was the place we would meet each other, the place we first met. Peter was telling a story about his summer, he was rambeling on. As if it was the first time he could tell his story and felt heard, atleast by Remus. He always made sure to listen, even after everything that is going on in his life, in his body. James atleast did a decent job at acting to care about this particular story, I am pretty sure we all didn't understand the clue of it. From the moment we stepped on the train I wasn't there with my mind, I wasn't present. James always knew, I think he sometimes knew me better than I did myself. I guess that is what happens when you live together... I knew I could talk to all the boys, I knew for a fact that Remus would have great advice. But it wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be fair to also drain him with my problems. He looked tired, it made sense ofcourse. What had it been? 2 days since the full moon? Ofcourse he still looked tired. He almost never talked about the full moons when we weren't there. When it was summer and he suddenly had to change on his own. Everything he did let on, I knew it was better to have us there. I wish I could always be there, but then again, his parents didn't want to take me in. Not that I could blame them. It was a miracle the Potters even dared, I knew that... I don't think I could ever repay them for this, the trouble they are getting into. To take me in, they took a stance against the Black family. No one takes a stance against my family.... Except for me I suppose. All summer I had been so sure, the Potters are strong too. They could handle my family. And eventhough I wasn't sure where I belonged, I knew for a fact it wasn't there, with my family. But why... why now... when I am finally going back to the only place that ever felt like a home, I don't want to go? I was fooling myself, I had been all summer.... How could I be so selfish? Then again it came so naturally for me... Family trait I suppose. But I know it isn't... Regulus isn't... Regulus... He must hate me, I would hate me.
"Don't you agree Padfoot?" Peter grinned at me, he always wanted my approval. I grinned back "Splendid " I said, making sure to show my signature smirk. It always fools everyone, James looked away, he knew I wouldn't talk... Not right now. He looked out of the window, straight into the hallway. His cheecks became blush, we all knew what that meant. I couldn't help the chuckle that left my mouth. "What" James requested. He knew why I grinned, you could say a lot about him. But everyone had to admit that James was smart. He was smart and very athletic, basically the mixture of popularity. I knew a lot of girl fancied him, probably because they couldn't have him, it added to his charm. The moment he set his eyes on Lilly, my guy was sold.
" Lilly, How has your summer been?" I yelled across the corridor. James made sure he looked unborthered, uninterested even. His knew tactic this year.
"Do you really care, or am I your new victim for this year" she looked bored, she never got fooled by us.
" Oh evans, You know I am only genuine with you" She rolled her eyes, it made her the perfect match for James. No one better matched his enegery, why didn't she see it?
"I am serious, how was your summer? What did you do?" She was still testing if I was in fact serious, I didn't blame her I wouln't take myself serious either.
"It was good actually, Severus and I hanged out a lot" Clever, she was testing me too.
" As long as you had fun" She looked clearly shocked, I shocked myself too. But I promised James I would be his wingman this year. A hell of a wingman I would be.
" Now please, come join us and tell us about your adventures. Did you practice during summer?" I gestured to the whole compartment, arms wide, showing the compartment as if it was a VIP lounge.
" Stop it Sirius, you know I don't play" Her eyes quickly averted to the ground, James saw it too. He always saw when it came to her.
" You know you could make the team, right?" He said, more genuine than I expected. Certainly more than Remus expected, he was pleased with James. Remus probably had the best bond with Lilly out of us all.
"Oh that is right, arent you two headgirl and boy this year?" I interupted their conversation, fuck... why did I do that?
" Yes" Remus replies, only to me. I heard James and Lilly continue their conversation.
" Thanks for the safe. But for real, are you excited headboy? " Peter was more quiet now, he always was when we weren't with just our group anymore. Remus explained his ideas and tasks for his new role, it sounded as a lot of extra work to me. I was happy he talked so much, as well that Peter became comfortable with Lilly that he as well started talking again. It was welcome distraction, I had been in my head way to much.
