Lunar

09 | Strong

He doesn't get to explain much more tonight. My tears have stopped him in his tracks, much to my dismay.

I don't mean to cry, and I don't know how to stop.

Although I could feel my fear rising as our conversation reached its climax, I wasn't expecting tears. Even as I crept closer to Ben's revelation, I thought I could hold it in; I thought I would be strong enough.

I'm such a fool.

Bennett holds me in his arms. He feels so strong and so steady. I don't even mind the feelings of terror when they come with his touch. 

Although I weep, and although I am afraid, I know I could never leave his perfect grasp – no matter how much fear I may face or how many tears fall from my eyes tonight - or any of the nights to follow.

As long as he doesn't leave me first. 

I need to hold onto him.

My face feels red and puffy as I bury my head into Ben's chest, his button-down shirt quickly becoming drenched in my tears. I feel so vulnerable right now, and all I want to do is fall into his touch. I hope desperately I'm not scaring him away. Of course I'd be so weak as to immediately break down in tears. I need to try to be strong for him. I can't lose him.

But I'm not totally sure why I'm crying. I know it's not due to the horror I feel - that I'm sure I could've held in. And it's not a delayed reaction from the day's earlier events, although I'm still confused how I was able to fend off those monsters. Or "rouges," I guess. A strange feeling of hatred surges through me as I think back to the creatures and I grit my teeth. 

How dare those creatures even try to hurt him? Hurt me? Hurt that poor girl stunned in the field? What did they think would happen? That I'd just stand there and let them? I can feel now such disgust and loathing towards those beasts. An animalistic sound begins to escape my lips. I want nothing but to end their lives all over again: in a much more painful way.

But this feeling it is quickly replaced by my sadness again, and I feel all together lost.

My tears continue to fall, and my eyes continue to sting with sorrow. I grip harder onto Ben's shirt now.

"What does this mean for me?" I choke out, almost too quiet for him to hear.

He holds tighter onto me now. He says something under his breath that I can't quite hear, but I can hear the pain behind it.

I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by what happened. Overwhelmed by him. Overwhelmed by his world that I'm now irrevocably involved in. I can't leave, no matter how much it scares me. It'd kill me to leave him, and if staying with Ben means that I have to be immersed in his new and terrifying world, I'd do just that.

I realize now why I cry, and why my heart shakes in mourning. 

I'm crying for the life I have lost, and what I am now leaving behind me as I lean into Ben's arms.  I have to say my goodbyes to everything I've ever known, ever believed in. The plain, easy world I was born into and wish to one day die in. I must now enter his world full of beasts, blood, and broken bottle necks. But at least I'll have Ben with me. That is all that matters now, and I have made my choice. 

I've chosen him, above all else. 

"If you'll have me," I choke out, "I want to stay with you," I cry. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry if my tears scare you. But they don't mean anything in the face of losing you."

He lets out a sigh of both relief and pain. Does he regret bringing me into his world now?

"I can handle this," I try and reassure him. "Just... give me time," I sob. "This is... so new."

He runs his hands through my hair lovingly. My tensed shoulders relax at his touch. "Thank you Lanie," he whispers into my neck. "I'm here to hold you now."

***

(apologies for the short chapter <3)