A Collage of Poetry Ripped From the Soul

| PART 0 |

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Two college students who major in different classes but need help finding a path. They are constantly searching and yearning for a life of fulfillment, but also want to stay on track on the easy way out. Avoidance is key and keys can unlock a door or keep it cemented shut. Shia is a young woman who can't seem to escape her own mind, stuck in a pattern of her own spirals, She finds herself buried away from all potential. She is a literature student with a passion for making her thoughts tangible. How can a girl know everything at 13 but nothing at 19? She has lost herself in a wave she has created, everything that once made her happy is pulling her into her grave. She has the brains to articulate her problems, but the worst kind of pain is being self-aware of your own destruction. Having the ability to watch herself fall apart and jot down the ways she ended up in that position, highlight and tab the pages of her own eulogy. 

Mathew is a boy with a noose around his neck, that was passed down through generations. He always knew he was determined to be a failure but never thought he could pinpoint a moment where he watched everything that was inevitable all fall into place. He was watching himself disintegrate through a stained glass window and couldn't seem to figure out how to hit the brakes. His head was fuzzy and his ears rang, but he used that as an anchor to reality. Matt is a cliche fuckup with a line of abuse and closeted self-hatred. He's really nothing special, in all reality, it's just the truth. He's just a tally on a board. 

There is nothing wrong brutally messed up teenager, It's usually romanticised these days, but there is no metaphor or language to depict one's suffering. Two fragile teenagers who despise themselves relate on a level far from the surface, their shared trauma and their matching pill boxes won't be enough to hold a life together or build a white picket fence. It's a tragedy waiting to happen. A predictable plot with a lousy ending. Happy ever afters are only granted to those who are given hand-me-downs or watched out of the corner of an eye. This isn't supposed to be a cynical debut on how woe is us and the ideology behind our existence is pointless. It's a reality check for those who see in colour. A place to realise not everyone thinks in the same direction. Those who can't control their thoughts aren't weak or disposable. They are selfish because they have to be. They were moulded to think outside the box because the box takes away their air. Society takes away their validation. Illness isn't an excuse but it can be a reason to soften your gaze. 

Suicide is such a stimulated thought known as selfish or quite simply the opposite. People like to live in their narcissistically built palace and welcome themselves as open-minded person who reads between the lines, but not everything has to be a mixture of black and white. Living in the gray is an overrated situation. When you grow up in the gray area with no answers and no labels to anything all you wish and be for on your knees is some black and white. You want to separate your life into portions and blunt responses like a picky child divides his food. Killing yourself is something people tend to overthink and go into the many layers of how it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but what people don't get is mental illness isn't temporary. Mental illness is a transparent cage bestowed upon you through genetics and trauma, it doesn't go away, and you can't be cleansed or released from the internal hell that is your own mind. You shouldn't despise or hold a grudge against those who don't fully understand. Because you should be happy for them. Celebrating their ability to live without eternal questioning. It's a complicated and touchy subject that can silence a room, but when you delve into the nitty gritty it is all but silent. 

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