My Saving Grace

February 8, 2013

Scott's P.O.V.

I woke up feeling that usual sinking feeling in my stomach. I was still here, on earth. My mind seemed to block out every memory from yesterday and focus on the now and the past. The dark, dark past. Everything was fuzzy and I knew it was going to be one of those days.

I traipsed myself out of bed and pulled on sweat pants and a tank top. Walking to the bathroom I looked at the medicine cabinet. The pills that controlled my life seemed to taunt me today. Taunt me for being me. I sighed, dry swallowing them all.

Even an amazing day like yesterday couldn't stop days like this from happening. The days where my bed seems to be the only safe place. The safe place where I am alone with just my thoughts. The thoughts that I can let wash over me and run their coarse and maybe take the chance that they would not be there the next day.

My body moved automatically to the kitchen and then to the fridge, where I just stood and stared. Stared at all the food that I would most likely throw up if I ate. I closed it back up and turned around to see a smiling Mitch. I wish I could be like that. Smiling and happy whenever I want to be. In control of how I feel. Instead it felt like someone else was controlling my body and I was watching from the side line.

Rehearsals dragged along. Long and hard. My thoughts not concentrating on any note or chord. My eyes zooming in and out of focus. My ears blocking out background noise.

I could tell that my body had started to get used to the meds again. This happened quite a lot. Every few months. My body becomes immune to the whatever they give me. So they stop my medication or they up the dosage. They do something that changes it and makes me feel at least partially human again. That meant I was due a doctors trip, which was never fun.

My eyes began to droop as rehearsal progressed. I was tired. Tired of my brain working twenty four seven. Tired of the particular life I lived. So tired that my brain rejected any good thoughts and turned them into demons. Why did this have to happen?!

Mitch's P.O.V.

I could tell Scott was on a low today. His lack of contribution. His tired eyes. It was like he had just run a marathon but it wasn't that type of tired. It was mental exhaustion. The sort of tired that only comes with a mind a like Scott's.

He came home last night after dark. He sat me down and told me about his day. He told me every detail. Like a child that had just got back from their first day of school. He was so happy and seemed so at peace with himself. Now, today was a complete contrast. It was like a flicked switch in his brain.

We went home after a short day in the studio because of the lack of concentration. I knew Scott would beat himself up about that one. He couldn't help the way his mind worked. He truly couldn't but he still out it on to himself when he had days like this. Days where he just wants to hide away.

I watched as Scott, shoulders slumped forward, walked into his bedroom. Then I listened as the bolt slowly slid across the door. He was locking himself away from the world today. And that was fine. It was one day out of a million more that were to come.

Around three I heard a knock at the door and got up to answer it. I opened the door to see a grinning Alex. His smile faltered a little when he saw that I was the one to answer the door and Scott.

"Hi, Mitch." He said.

"He's not really in the right state of mind to talk to anyone Alex. Sorry." I whispered. Keeping my voice at a low volume was a habit when Scott was like this.

"Oh right, is he okay?" Alex asked. I turned to look at his bedroom door and then stepped outside, closing the apartment door behind me. I could feel my best friend protection instincts coming into place.

"Look I don't know how much he's told you. I don't know how much he wants to tell you. But...um...please can you just be gentle with him. He's fragile and I don't think he or I can deal with anything that is gonna...." I stopped myself. It wasn't a secret that Scott was depressed but it was up to him to tell people.

"I don't think I quite understand. Did I do something wrong?" He asked. I immediately felt guilty. I could tell by the Wh Alex held himself that he liked Scott. More than liked him in fact.

"No. I actually think you did a lot of things right! It's just, today can't be helped. It's a day that will be pushed to the back of your brain. I'll get him to text you when he comes out." I said. Alex nodded and smiled again. He was a very smiley guy. Maybe over happy. But I didn't know, if Scott liked him then that's fine with me.

"You're being vague about something and I guess I should take the message and leave." Alex told me. I nodded. "Will you tell him that I was here?" I nodded again, turning back into my apartment.

I breathed deeply. It was hard for me to not be extremely protective over Scott. He's my best friend and I've seen him hurting more than anyone. I've seen him hit rock bottom and I've helped him pick himself back up again. I just don't want anyone to hurt him but I can't keep that from happening.