My Saving Grace

August 7, 2013

2 months after Disneyland, 6 months into relationship 😉

Alex's P.O.V.

Scott suddenly became very distant for a while. He wouldn't want to go out a lot. I went to their apartment to see him and Mitch would answer the door and tell me he wasn't feeling good or something. Had I done something wrong.

I was woken by a loud ringing. My eyes flew open and my head snapped up. Looking round the room I noticed my phone moving on the nightstand. I reached over to see Scott's contact picture come up. I smiled, feeling my heart quicken but I soon became worried when I noticed the time. 4 am.

"Scott?" I answered the phone to hear heavy breathing on the other side. My voice was laced with sleep even though I felt more awake than I had ever been.

"I woke you didn't I? Oh, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep." Scott's voice came through the receiver. He sounded shaky, as if he'd been crying.

"It's okay. What's wrong?" I asked, concerned. He had never called me in the middle of the night before.

"Oh, it doesn't matter. Go back to sleep. I'm fine." He hung up. I stared down at the phone for a second. Was he drunk? No.... He didn't sound drunk. He was crying though. He only cried when things were really bad and I had only seen that a few times.

When Scott first told me he had depression and anxiety I freaked out more than I let on. It wasn't that I was afraid, it was that I didn't know much about it. So I looked up about them. The most helpful thing I could find was how to calm yourself down when having a panic attack, which was useful. But the websites could've given so much more help, instead they focused on symptoms. It frustrated me quite a lot considering I care about Scott and I don't want to not know what to do if he needs me.

I called him and it went straight to voicemail. I tried multiple times but he didn't answer. He probably felt as though he had annoyed me by waking me up or something. He hadn't at all, I want him to be able to call me if he needs someone to talk to. In the end I decided to text him.
'Hey, I hope you're okay. I'm not mad at you. Call me whenever you want to.'

I sent the message and tried to go back to sleep again but I couldn't. I was worried that Scott would call again and I wouldn't be able to get to the phone. I was also worried about what was going on in Scott's head. When six am rolled along and I still hadn't managed to fall asleep again I decided to go for a run.

I felt my feet pound against the Tarmac. Every step making me loosen up more. The sun was only beginning to rise above the horizon and it was quite cold. My head felt dizzy as the wind hit against my face. I just couldn't get my thoughts to settle. I wished I could just see into Scott's brain and make whatever it is that hurts him go away.

Since we started dating he tells me that his depression and anxiety isn't nearly as bad as it was. He'd very rarely have a panic attack, so little that I had only seen him have two. He also told me how his bad days weren't always full days, just a couple of hours, recently. I couldn't understand why I was having such a big impact on it.

But then again he had never called me in the night before. He had never called me crying before. He had never actually called me about it before. So maybe it wasn't as great as he let on and maybe last night was too much for him to handle. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I'm making things worse but he's scared to tell me.

I shook my head. No. He wouldn't be scared to tell me. And even if he was he would tell Mitch and Mitch would definitely have it out with me. Mitch. He would probably be the best person to talk about this to.

When I got home from my run and had had breakfast I called Mitch. "Hello?" He answered the phone, confused.

"Hey Mitch. I'm sorry, did I wake you?" I asked immediately feeling guilty.