I wake up with a start and my mind starts to race. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down and I try to shut off my brain. The room is dark and my hand stumbles over the water glass on my bedside table, spilling it over various items. I sigh as I find the lamp and pull the string to light the room. My clock says it's four in the morning and I let out a sigh.
He'll be okay,I tell myself as I pull the covers around me to trap in the heat. I know basic training isn't easy, but he's strong... I know he can do it. If anyone can, it's him. I try to stop my mind from making up horror story worthy tasks that he has to complete and I try to block out the ones I know are real. My heart is pounding and a shiver runs down my body as I swallow hard and try to block reality out. At least I know the dreams aren't real... at least they're getting better with time.
I close my eyes and remember last Christmas break – what seems like a few weeks ago is now nine months ago. I was with him; riding along in his car. We were doing some last minute Christmas shopping together, and having the most grand time. I looked down in my lap at the pictures we'd just taken in the photo-booth. He was so smiley, so cute, and I was laughing so hard. It was the best Christmas present I could've gotten from him. After all, memories are the most precious things known to mankind.
Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down flashes on his ipod and seems to boom through his tiny speaker. I smile at him and he smiles back, his soft eyes offering up a glimpse into his soul.
“So, the Air Force?” I ask.
“Maybe,” he replies, his eyes moving back to road as he turned onto a side street. “Or a dance teacher... maybe move out west to Cali. I have some offers.”
I smile and don't say anything else. As much as I selfishly want him to be a ballroom dance teacher, I know which path is his. I know what he'll choose... after all, it's his destiny and I can feel it. I believe it was at that moment that I gained a massive amount of respect for him... how strong he must be to do that... to go straight from high school to the military. I've always known Isaac could do anything... now he was about to prove it.
The car comes to a stop and he turns it off.
“You don't mind if I leave my shoes in here, right?” I ask.
“Of course not, Kya,” he replies in a manner that suggests it was silly of me to ask such a thing. I get out and the cool pavement feels good against my feet. The humidity is killing me... and my hair. I run my fingers through it casually to make it look softer, but the wind makes my effort useless. I smile because I know Isaac doesn't mind. My feet patter against the wooden walkway and soon it's softened by the dry sand squishing between my toes. The smell of the beach washes a million old memories over me, mostly to do with Isaac. I look around and it's deserted – but then again, it's ten at night. I wonder if it's legal for us to be here.
“This is it?” I say with a laugh. “Where are all the bon-fires, crazy vampire-teens, loud music, volley ball, and dirt bikes?”
“You have seen way too many movies,” Isaac replies, intentionally bumping into my side. I push back and laugh, kicking sand onto his shins.
“So, what's going on for you?” he asks. I feel my heart soften at the sincerity of his voice. It's been too long since someone had asked me that and wanted a truthful answer. As I take a deep breath and get ready to tell him my now-life-story, I find myself wondering what I will do when he joins the air force next Fall... it seems like forever until then, but the months fly at a rapid rate that I had never imagined or experienced before in my life.
* * *
Now I see him in a labyrinth of a house, gas is being poured in; pumping itself into his veins. My heart attempts to lurch out of my chest as I picture him: his eyes tearing, squinted nearly shut... foaming at the mouth, his body screaming in pain as he feels his way around, struggling to find an out. I swallow hard and try not to imagine it anymore; that's not a horror story my mind made up. That's real. That's reality. And that's what he had to do. My mind panics as I think about what would happen if I were in that situation – I know I wouldn't last thirty seconds before I would be on the ground, screaming and wishing it would go away.
I feel proud of Isaac because I know he found his way out – I know he did it. And at the same time, I wish he didn't have to do it. He didn't deserve it... but, I also understood that he chose this. He wanted this. This is his destiny, his path, and I must respect that... I must support that, and I most certainly do. I admire his bravery, his strength, and his power. I smile because I know that soon not only will I know he can do anything, but he will know as well.
Eight years is a long time to be in the military... I smile to myself as I slip the 30th letter I've written to him in the mail because while 30 may seem like a big number now, it's quite small when I think about how many letters I will write to him. His mom says I've written to him the most... mission accomplished.
