No big surprise, when I awoke Elijah was nowhere to be found. The early morning wind drifted in through my window. I shuddered in the cool air as I walked across my room to close the window. The morning sun hadn't begun to cast its colors over the North Carolina mountain range, though it threatened to start at any minute.
I wondered if I was going to go to school today. I wanted to... but at the same time, I didn't feel like I could face the world. My entire life was being shaken at its roots... it's secret roots that I know nothing about.
As I climbed back into bed, pulling the comforter around me, my thoughts drifted to my mother's journal... and then to Elijah. Who was he? Why was he here? Where did he come from, and why wasn't he in school? Well, the last one was easy enough to answer. So many people around here homeschooled that it wouldn't surprise me if Elijah was one of them. Why did he have to disappear like that? Had he even been here in the first place? I wished he didn't have so many secrets... then again, I could wish the same thing about my mother.
Knowing my mind would never allow me more rest, I picked up my mother's journal and turned to the first entry. I had a couple hours before I had to be up for school... before my mother would come to wake me. I had time, and I needed to know.
The first entry was from around eighteen years ago...
I'm not used to keeping a journal. I never thought I would... I'm not quite sure where to start. The beginning was much too long ago... but, the reason I started keeping this journal is because of what I found out yesterday. It's really big, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is happy... part of me wishes that it's not true, but I know it is. I can feel it.
Yesterday, I returned to the doctor's office to end my secretive visits. He told me... he was happy for me... he smiled more than me. It's not that I'm not happy, or won't love it, it's just... it's so big. I wasn't expecting to be expecting.
Alex doesn't know yet... I'm not sure how to tell him. I'm a month in, and he didn't even know it was a possibility. I'm planning on telling him this weekend at the senior trip to Misty's lake house. Misty's been through all of it with me... since the day I lost my virginity. I don't know what I would do without her shoulder to cry on.
They'll be three couples going, me and Alex, Misty and Abe, Jace and Kris. We've been the steady couples since sophomore year... here we are now, our last hurrah before we make our separate ways in life, starting out on our own. I guess my plans are blown now... after all, I am keeping it. There's no way I could live with myself otherwise.
So that was what it was like for my mother when she found out she was pregnant with me... I guess it wasn't as bad as I'd pictured it. I figured she would probably have cried a lot, debated an abortion or adoption. At least I knew she wanted me... even if she was overwhelmed... but then again, who wouldn't be? Seventeen is a young age to start a family. Too young.
The next day:
The fresh air up here is rejuvenating... well worth the tedious seven hour drive. The lake water is cool and eases the sunburn on my shoulders. I can't stop thinking about telling Alex... it doesn't feel right. He keeps talking about our future plans, how happy he is to be with me, how wild and crazy we'll be in college. I don't think I'm going to college any more. I don't know how I could...
