love dive // dazai osamu.

19 - an awkward silence is better than nothing.

Even if she was always surrounded by others during work, that strange feeling of solitude continued creeping onto Genji from behind. Every second, every minute, it wouldn't leave her alone even for a moment. It didn't matter if she was working, talking with others or simply spacing out this feeling — this perception of loneliness felt like it sucked itself into Genji's nerves.

It seemed that she couldn't shake off this sensation of desolation.

It was the strongest when she'd come back home to an empty flat like she did every day. It was like Genji was missing something. It was something she had all the time, but now it had vanished & evaporated into thin air.

A singular interaction with him made her entire day. Whether Genji was so tired that she could drop onto her desk & pass out, one singular "hello" or stupid, teasing comment would her up instantly.

Suddenly, their daily chats had run away somewhere. Suddenly, Dazai wouldn't even look at Genji. Suddenly, it was as if everything got burned to ash & taken away by the wind.

Nevertheless, even if they did look at each other, even if they did exchange a few words with each other, nothing felt special anymore. Everything existed for the sake of existing. It had no other purpose than to simply be.

- Dazai-san...

To speak so softly & gently, almost in a whisper to him, became Genji's new bad habit. Every word felt awkward to say, so she didn't want him to hear her.

- Would you like to run errands together again?...

Had the future begun lying? No longer was it an acceptable thought that the future could change. No, of course, it can't.

- No, thanks. I have a case given to me by the police I need to work on.

Dazai's lips curved into a smile & he spoke so sweetly to her. Though, his expressionless eyes looked so tasteless & bitter. They were becoming more dull & dull with each passing day.

- I see...

Yet, hope never seemed to change, unlike the false future.

- Will you join me after that?

- Probably not.

The small lit candle continued to burn with a fire that barely gave light to anything around it. The future kept lying.

- ...Okay. - Genji grabbed her bag & turned away, walking out of the agency quietly without saying goodbye to anyone. The fire still burned hopelessly.

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The wind blew the ashes further & further away. The wind soon lost its path & what remained came back to Genji as she walked through the wind back to the agency. Again, she took the same path back to work — that same dream coffin. Yet, while the pavement stayed the same, the memories Genji associated with it kept changing... Well, perhaps not exactly the memories, but how she felt about them.

What was once a remembrance that made Genji smile & laugh now made her frown & sigh. The future made her heart beat faster due to fear. The present made their hearts beat faster due to anguish.

- Dazai-san?...

Dazai smiled at her & waved as he walked up to Genji. This wasn't what she'd seen this morning.

- You said you wouldn't come along later. - Genji muttered as her surprised expression gradually softened. 

- I know, but I had a bit more free time than I thought after the job.

Genji only nodded & she aligned her steps with Dazai's as they walked back to the agency.

- Plus, I needed to get something for myself and just happened to run into you. So I thought, why not walk with you?

Genji looked up at Dazai as she noticed his smile. For just a mere moment, she swore she saw that cold, soulless sight in his eyes become just a little more warm & humane.

- Thank you. - Genji smiled & she stepped closer to Dazai. She felt his fingers tug onto the ends of her cardigan & pulled her closer to him, but Dazai didn't look at her. He kept his gaze fixed towards what was in front of him.

Genji glanced back at the pavement as they walked back to the agency & she smiled to herself.