The right love

5 stages of grief

Leah's pov:

Growing up I idolised my mum, ofcourse I had my football idols. But my mum was my inspiration, what she did just to play football and how she gave it all up for me has always gave me more energy to become the best version of myself. My younger self would be ashamed of what I've done.

I always knew I was gay, obviously not as a baby but even as a toddler I always found other girls intriguing. My first kiss was a boy, I wish I could say he was awful and it made me realise I was gay but it didn't. I actually enjoyed it and we started dating. He was perfect, he was kind and genuinely loved me. Which at 15 years old should have felt amazing to be loved but it didn't ,because I didn't love him back. Well I did love him but I wasn't inlove with him. That was when I realised that although he was the perfect boy, he just wasn't the right gender for me. That and the thought of having sex with him or any man terrified me. My first kiss with a girl was when I was drunk. This kiss made my stomach explode with joy and I couldn't contain my smile, after  after one kiss with this stranger I was ready to marry her. However, my first lesbian relationship destroyed me and to this day I've never recovered from it. She cheated on me. How ironic, I've still never got over my ex kissing someone 10 years ago and I expect Grace to even speak to me again after what I've done.

In movies when people experience bereavement they go through the 5 stages of grief. What I'm going through though is the five stages of my own fucking fault. I deserve nothing after what I've done, I have no excuse for why I did it. If Grace appeared right now and asked why I did it I wouldn't even have a good excuse other than she was amazing in
bed so I continued it.

Denial. This was the first few weeks after Grace had left me. Me denying the fact that she was gone and would never come back, atleast not to see me. I couldn't even sleep in our house everything reminded me of her, so I stayed at Beth and Vivs house for a while until Beth told me that I needed to sort myself out.

Anger. I'm not a naturally angry person. Ofcourse those who see me on the pitch see different, but I'm genuinely not an aggressive person. I think it's because I'm so competitive which brings out my angry side. Once we returned to training in January I pushed my body to levels it had never been. We normally trained 4 or 5 times a week including rest and recovery but I trained every day. So that I would become stronger and hopefully improve myself. Maybes then she'll come back.

Bargaining. Or as I like to call it me being delusional. What if? Is the question that roamed through my head for weeks. What if I didn't kiss her? What if I walked away after she kissed me? What if I wasn't a complete asshole?

Depression. The rock bottom. This began in February after I saw Grace's post on Instagram ,which is the only thing she hasn't fully blocked me on, it was a January dump. The first a photo of her brother and her in a Barcelona kit. The second one of her with two of her friends. The third and fourth pictures of different family members. But the fifth and final one, the one which broke me, a photo of a girl on Grace's lap as they smiled into the camera. Her hand was sat on the girl's thigh, this girl wore a stunning black dress, she's beautiful. They were sat on a fancy couch which I have never seen before, as Grace seemed to be smiling genuinely. I know that I have no right to be mad or sad as this is my own fault. But to see someone else in her arms makes my skin crawl. Is that what she felt about me and Olivia? God I deserve this. I'm nothing without her she's perfect and I'm a disaster who deserves nothing.

"Get up" I heard a voice bellow before freezing cold water was chucked on me

"What the fuck" I screamed as I climbed up of the couch

"What are you doing Leah" Keira said as she stood before me looking at me with pure disappointment

"Well i was sleeping" I mumbled out

"Are you still drunk" I heard a voice say

"No Lucy just hungover" I groaned as I sat down on the couch that had been my bed for the past week

"Mhm sure" she mumbled

"You need to get up and actually attend training for a starters. Andyour drinking dont even get me started ..." Keira said

"Can you just not. Your really loud and i cant be arsed for your lecture" I said interrupting her

"No i will lecture you given as no one else clearly has. Leah i know your hurting right now, yes what you did was really fucked up but i love you regardless. Am i mad and disappointed yes, but do i care about your welfare more, absolutely yes. I'm worried Le. Your drinking more and more each day. The tabloids are having a field day with you in the pubs. Your going to be fired man, everything you have done will be ruined because you can't get over it. It's done you need to pick your ass up and move on. Regardless of how hard it is because right now this version of you that your becoming is someone i dont want to be associated with." Keira said as wiped away a tear.

"Kei" I mumbled before she interrupted me

"No i dont want to hear it Leah, sort yourself out. Please i miss you." She sighed as she walked out of the house

Acceptance. Moving on. How do I move on from something I've caused. I miss her more than anything. I can't sleep. But I have to be professional now. Be football Leah and not normal Leah anymore as it's the only thing I know how to do. I'm actually going to attend training tomorrow which is terrifying not just because of Jonas but because of the girls, they're terrifying when they're mad.

AN: sorry this is a bit late but I've been extremely busy.