A soliloquy to the life we never had |TOJI FUSHIGURO

fruitions of life

The stars would have laughed at your relationship. You are close enough to be friends and hold enough attraction for one another to be lovers, but distant enough to be considered strangers. Toji was not far off when he talked to the stars to say that you were in denial about your relationship. This is not to say that Toji understood your relationship any better. Though he was aware that an attraction between the two of you was mutual, he understood his feelings to be simply that, attraction. Very hypocritical of him, if you asked me.

The persona that Toji had created when he entered your garden was a paradox to the life he lived outside of it. You knew only what he would allow you to know. Yes, he was swindling women for money. Yes, he liked to partake in gambling of all forms. Yes, he was a mercenary by trade. None of these "hobbies'' of his were ever explained thoroughly, just a lot of in-between kind of talks. He joked about how different you were from your reputation when you first met. He was an open book, a paperback that if you bent the page to read and didn't have something to secure in place they'll just snap closed. If it were put into proper use the years would reveal themselves before you even got to the title page.

I'd describe you to be a hardcover. You were a popular read that any literary aficionado wanted to unravel. Abiding by the rules of commerce, hardcovers cost more than paperbacks. Hardcovers are for appearances while paperbacks are for a proper read. In stark contrast to a paperback, hardcovers don't advertise their use with their exterior. No, you'd have to flip through and give it the same amount of attention as a paperback. No one would want to do that.

The Toji Zenin who currently was helping you plant some pink camellia in your garden and the stone-cold mercenary that would remain a topic of discussion during debriefings were two distinguishable people in your eyes. I allow myself to believe that the reasoning behind this is that you both presented different personas to one another. Whether they were founded based on your true personas or the fantasy of what could've been. To this day, even as the narrator, I do not know.

You watched with your tote bag of gardening supplies perched on your shoulder as the man worked. He had shown up in a black compression t-shirt that did what it was told as you could see his muscles fighting against the shirt's fabric. Any movement he made you would be able to see his muscles contract and pronounce themselves against the shirt. It was a short-sleeve so regardless if it was a compression shirt or not you would be able to see them. He wore these kinds of shirts every time he entered the garden. You didn't know if this was his everyday attire or if it was a coincidence. Unfortunately, you didn't mind either reasoning.

"You gonna just stand there and check me out or help me plant this shit?" He asked midway through digging an unnecessarily enormous hole. Though he had been gifted with many physical attributes through this Heavenly Restriction, a green thumb was not one of them; He overwaters the plants, he doesn't understand the reasoning behind removing weeds, and always accidentally stomps on flowers because of how comically big he is. Yet, you still allowed him to help and still paid him.

Call it charity work.

"I was judging how badly you planted those seeds." You squatted down beside him, placing your tote bag on the ground before snatching the shovel from him and shoving him away to take over. You inspected his work and huffed, "With that poor eyesight of yours, I should reconsider your qualifications on letting you help me out with the garden. Seriously, how could you possibly think a seed this tiny needs that big of a hole."

"Speaking from prior experiences?" He quipped, somehow not at all offended by you scrutinizing his work. You were trying to wrap your head around him having the body of a full-fledged adult with the accompaniment of the mind and libido of a pubescent boy. "When you say shit like that you make me think that you're asking for me to say something out of pocket. I mean you kind of walk right into them, doll."