𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑

I storm out of the place, what the fuck was I thinking? As soon as I walk in, I see the girl I love so dear kiss a man that must hold some godly qualities I just don't possess. Why him?

I mean I say that, he is fairly attractive and his heart is purer than mine when it comes to love. He also probably hasn't killed as many people as I have, I wonder if he has actually killed someone. Oh god, why not him?

Because I want her. it's just taken her kissing someone else for me to figure it out. I don't know what I want from her, but I do want her. I want a second chance. But now seeing her kiss Caleb, I'm not sure whether I'll be getting one. I tapped her on the shoulder, so she knows I know. I don't want a bullshit act from her pretending to be sorry for my ass.

Gosh what am I saying? Ruth isn't like that. She's not a devious scheming cunt like me.

I wish I could be better to her, but I don't know how to. I don't know any better. I can't help but feel like that this is my fault... yet another part of me can reason with me which just makes me feel more like shit.

I wish I could kill Caleb.

I shouldn't think like that. Because that would hurt Ruth. I shouldn't kill a man she evidently has some sort of attraction too. Even if I wish that attraction was towards me.

It could've been. If I had just treated her the way she deserves. All those times that I've laughed at her for the way she dresses, that I've told her to kill herself. Where I've told her she shouldn't eat and I've laughed at her in front of others to make me feel better about myself. What was the point? I gained nothing from it. I just wanted myself to be convinced that I'm stronger than her because I couldn't accept that she'd done what I'd been too afraid too.

In reality, she's ten times stronger than I've ever been.

I exit the ice cream shop, not feeling the sensation I should after eating a treat that will most likely lead to diabetes. Thanks Ruth. Well mind you, I don't really like ice cream much anyway, I prefer chocolate. Especially chocolate brownies. When me and Dante were younger, mother used to make us brownies every Saturday, since they just wouldn't taste the same as any store bought ones.

I miss the good old days.

I hear her running behind me, and I can't help but feel slightly angry. You kiss someone else and then you come here, for what? I understand she thinks I flirted with someone else, but why can't she just let me explain what happened instead of acting like a bitch. And that Caleb is a sick motherfucker.

Shit. I shouldn't talk about her like that. I don't mean it at all. She's gracious, kind, beautiful. Perfect. She's the oxygen for my lungs. I can't survive without her. And to call Caleb that? I mean he's not that bad of a guy I suppose, he's just not good enough for Ruth. No one is good enough for her but me. plus, I don't really know him what well.

Wait, do I feel jealous?

I allow her to approach me, tears streaming down her face. I should be the one crying, not her. "why are you crying?" I can't help but ask as I remove the tears from her face with my hand. I hate that I have this soft spot for her. I shouldn't be comforting her, she fucking cheated on our marriage. I'm not supposed to forgive or forget that. She had that huge talk to me about loyalty when she did what I swore id never do. She kissed someone she told me I didn't have to worry about. It'll never be me. she deserves better I suppose, but I know I do too. I want to fall in love with someone that's loyal.

But the idea of falling in love with someone that's not Ruth, makes me feel like my heart is on fire. God, I really am in deep. We've not even known each other for that long, but she's got me wrapped around her little finger. it's like she's a snake, and I'm the meat and she's slowly eating me up.

And I'm allowing her too. I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm so used to be the one torturing her, that it feels weird it being the other way round. She's tormenting me by messing with my feelings.

What I hate more is why do I fall in love for the first time ever with someone I've messed up so mentally ill never truly be able to have them? What Is wrong with me?

She looks at me angry. "you can't be mad about Caleb when you flirted with that chick."

I gaze at her red eyes, her flustered cheeks. She looks tired. So am I. I'm extremely tired. Ci can't help but feel angry at her right now, what the fuck happened to trust? As soon as she finds an excuse too, she finishes it off with me and kisses the next dude she sees? The fuck?

"no Ruth." I say to her "I have every right to be mad, if you had just let explain, you would realize I never touched any of those girls, one of them wanted to do some weird shit, and I didn't. you know why I didn't? because I love you Ruth. Fuck I do." I say, my fists clenching together. She seems lost for words so I continue.

Wait I said to her that I love her? holy shit I did.

"and instead of trying to listening to me you just go and kiss the first guy you see. So much for loyalty?" I say, maybe I'm being too harsh I'm not sure but I'm angry. I feel hurt, betrayed. I really love her; why did she have to do something like this?

I'm trying to tell myself I'm overreacting but I'm really not too sure if I am or not. I just feel hurt, I've made this whole effort to try be better and nicer and kinder in general to her, only for her to just move on so quickly.

Did I mean anything to her? I'm honestly not too sure if I did. I don't bother allowing her to explain herself before I walk away. She didn't let me explain myself to her, why should I let her justify practically cheating on me?

It's okay to be petty sometimes.